DH thinks SAHM = Slave

Avatar for lisacolette
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2003
DH thinks SAHM = Slave
12
Fri, 03-12-2004 - 5:35pm
Okay, here's the situation:

I got laid off 2 yrs ago and never got another job as I became pregnant with my 2nd DS shortly afterward. Being a SAHM seemed to be an ideal solution since daycare was too expensive for 2 kids.

My husband works weekdays from about 2pm to 11pm. He stays awake until at least 2 or 3am every night then sleeps in until 11am, which he says is appropriate since he works "later" hours. He says he can't fall asleep earlier so he should be given the time to sleep. If the baby cries when he's awake and I'm asleep, he'll get the baby and bring him in for me to take care of him. I always have to tend to the kids at night if they wake up. I'm down to about 4-5 hours of sleep a day now.

My other complaint is that he believes that because I don't have a paycheck or a physical office to go to, I'm totally responsible for all housework, cleaning, cooking and taking care of the kids, 4yrs and 15mos. We argue about it constantly as I feel he could pitch in and help with some things like unloading the dishwasher or putting clothes away. He says he works his a** off at work and shouldn't have to do anything at home.

I'll admit, our house is really bad housekeeping-wise. We moved into our first home when I was 6 mos pregnant with #2. Final months were nasty and I was tired and sick all the time so things didn't get done. 6 months ago, we started remodeling the front bedroom so we had to move the kids into the living room and the dining room is now the living room. We have no table on which to eat. Things are crammed into any place they can go. Papers are everywhere, toys are all over the place and clothes are piling up since I can't put them away because of remodeling.

For a while, I tried not doing things to try and get my hubby to help out. Things just got totally disgusting and I'd just have more work to do. I recently went through 2 surgeries for a kidney stone and still had to take care of the house and kids through it all. I even had to fill the dishwasher immediately after coming home from surgery #2.

DH thinks I should be cooking all meals. He constantly compares me to his friend's wife, who is also a SAHM. I sarcastically call her Superwoman. Superwoman has one 3yr girl and she keeps a perfectly clean house, she cooks fabulous meals for her DH, she has a Housecleaning business on the side, sews, etc. You get the picture. Superwoman really annoys the heck out of me.

I have no time to myself at all since the kids are always with me. My friends live far enough away that I can't get together with them. I'm pretty much stuck in my house with the kids, day in and day out. I have no family that can help me with this as mine lives across country. I hate being a SAHM if it means I'm a total slave to the hubby, house and kids.

Am I being unreasonable? I've never been a SAHM, but I really think being "June Cleaver" is an unreasonable expectation and DH needs to get over it. I swear it makes me want to pack up the kids and leave.

Thanks in advance to all who respond. Sorry it's so long!

Lisa

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-15-2003
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 12:44am
Sounds like your hubby is like mine - hard headed and set in his old fashioned ways. I have "talked" with him until I have been blue in the face and finally came to the conclusion that he has no desire to change. Why would he actually agree to do "extra house work" once he comes home?

When I was pregnant with my second son, one of the other mommies on our expectant board referred me to FlyLady.net. PLEASE go check it out for your own sanity! I won't be able to give it justice by my explanation, but it sort of helps you break down the overwhelming aspects of organizing your home and life into manageable chunks. It is physically impossible to clean a house all day and take care of little ones, and she doesn't want you to do that!! Her one quote that I try to remember is "the house didn't get dirty on one day, so it won't get clean in one day - take Baby Steps"

For example, you will get an assignment or "mission" that should only take you 15 minutes to complete, such as picking up the shoes that pile up by the front or back door. You wouldn't think that it would make much of a difference, but you get such a sense of satisfaction that you actually accomplished one task! She also recommends a "5 minute Room Rescue" in which you set a kitchen timer and spend ONLY 5 minutes picking up only one room. When the timer goes off, you stop. My boys, 4 years and 2 years old, like to play that little game.

The best part is that when I am doing something in the kitchen, I will ask DH if he will help the boys do a 5-minute pick-up of the living room or a bedroom. Ta Daaaa! He is actually helping me clean that house, and he doesn't think I'm assigning him a chore he thinks he's too high and mighty for!

This will not turn you into Superwoman, but this web site has really helped me not feel so overwhelmed. Go check it out. It is free. And even though this post sounded like an infomercial, I don't work for FlyLady; I'm just thankful that another board referred me to her and hope it helps you!

Darcie

Avatar for lisacolette
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2003
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 8:40am
Thank you all so much for your advice! I feel better knowing others can relate. I'm going to try all of your advice and try not to let it get me down. FlyLady.net here I come!

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