discussion about SAHM vs. working mom
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| Tue, 11-29-2005 - 10:40pm |
My friend and I got into a big debate about SAHM versus working moms. First of all let me start by saying she does NOT have children. She says she would never be a SAHM because she will "lose" herself. WHAT?? I haven't lost myself yet. I think she feels that by recently quiting my job to stay home, I have taken the "easy route".
I tell her I used to think i would be a working mom - heck I even did it for a full year! But I totally changed my priorities once DS entered my world. I try to tell her to keep an open mind, that some day when she has a child she may change her mind. But she refuses to even consider this. She says she will not lose herself, waste her education, and will always come first. She will get a sitter so she can go out with her girlfriends and always look "good". (Yeah - thats insulting, I think I look pretty good even though I dont get a sitter and go to the salon every week!).
She wants to know why any woman would be a SAHM and fall into the role of a "housewife". (she said it, i didn't)
So - why do you stay home? I want to give her reasons why women chose to stay home that come from someone other then me.
We have discussion like this all the time... It gets pretty heated but we always manage to stay friends. :)
Josee

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If she really beleives you are taking "the easy route" have her "borrow" your kids for the day and see just how easy it is.
As for why I sah...well there are many reasons. I always thought I would be a working mother. I loved my job as a teacher but as soon as I became pg with my first I felt an overwhelming urge to be at home with him. Having some alternative parenting styles just helped to seal the deal. My Dh and I found we liked the attatchment parenting lifestyle and this lifestyle just will not work if you are working outside the home.
As I reflect back then and now I can see that as ambitious a person as I am that all of those ambitions just transfered themselves over to my family. I have not "lost" myself. If anything I have found out who I truly am. I get as much satisfaction in running our household as I imagine someone working for a fortune 500 company gets when they seal a deal.
People like your friend will probably never get it and personally I would not bother :)
Traci
Hi there,
Ok, then I'll play devil's advocate to your friend.
Why would anyone WORK after having kids? I mean I didn't have kids to let someone else raise them! Plus - you must be pretty materialistic to put money before your family! I mean to ME my kids are more important than me risking "losing myself" to SAH.
OK I DO NOT REALLY FEEL LIKE THAT! That was just what YOU could say back to your friend. To me SAH is a personal choice for each family. I have nothing against working mom's as I feel that's the choice they made. My husband and I chose for me to SAH for several reasons - 1) It's best for my kids. They are now being raised by someone who knows them and loves them more than anyone else on the planet (next to Daddy of course) and that's what they need.
2) We actually SAVE money by not paying for daycare. Can't beat that.
3) I get the chance to create a HOME for my family. SAH isn't JUST about the kids (although they are #1 of course) but it's about making a home and I love that I get to do that.
To me you are VERY patient - I would given up on our friendship a LONG time ago! Good luck!
Hugs,
K
I have a few "friends" like that as well. I think that she sounds really immature, and her world will change if/when she has kids lol. I personally have always wanted to sah with my kids. Its been important to me since as long as I can remember. I didnt want to have kids for someone else to raise. I didnt want to miss the milestones and the funny things. I think its important for one parent to be with the kids. There's plently of time in life to work...and working as a sahm is probably the hardest career I've ever had. I dont get coffee breaks, or an hour paid lunch, I dont get paid vacation, or bonuses when my "company" does well lol. I work 24hrs a day, 7 days a week.
I dont have these conversations with my friends like that anymore, I'd never speak to them again if we did lol.
Ask her if she'd like to borrow your kids for a day and overnight once so she can see what you deal with (preferably when one or more has a cold lol)
Josee, I was your friend. I was like that, somewhat, when my sister told me she was going to sah with her son. All I thought about was the years she spent in college and the money she spent to go to college. I, of course, was ignornant and I didn't have children! At the time it was all about my world, my education, and my work. I related her decision to me(if that make sense to you). Things change and they change for the better! Your friend will hopefully always be your friend but right now she is not going to be someone who makes you feel good to be around. I don't think she will understand your decision so my advice is to not discuss the subject with her.
You are lucky to be a sahm!
agreed!
We are still friends - but she is really pushing the limits on this one. The thing is - I think she is just jealous! She is 30, single and I know she does want kids. I think its just a way for her to cover up her insecurities.
Josee
Yes, I was a bit like her too. But not as bad. I would have never said "taking the easy way out". But I did feel that I needed to keep working. I did it for a year and it was pretty hellish. I grew to understand what is really important in life. I only pray that some day she also discovers what its like to be in a happy relationship and having a child you would do anything for!
Things change..people change
Josee
you know what i think?
Well...I tried to work FT after Abbey was born & I lasted 2 weeks. Then I convinved my boss to let me work three days a week & I fit 5 days worth of work into them. I hated the three days I worked SO much & LOVED the days I was home so after DH finished his doctorate I stayed home FT.
My house is messier now, my clothes are "comfortable", I don't wear makeup every day & I never have a lunch that doesn't consist of me reading the kid's menu first. I have NEVER been happier in my life. =)
I don't think you can explain it to someone without kids. I had the same problem once & during the discussion my friend saw the distressed, sad look on my face & she said "You don't need to be so sensitive...I didn't mean to hurt your feelings". I smiled & looked at her with true pity in my eyes & said "Oh honey...I wasn't feeling upset for me....I was sad for you...I think it's sad that you have never felt what I feel every day".
Maybe what I was said was mean but I sure felt better! =)
Oh, she sounds like me pre-babies! Actually, kids were not in my plan, but they were in God's plan for me :-).
Anyway, I remember being pre-kids and saying the same thing, but once you have kids, I think you really re-think things. I think it is so important to invest our own time in our children and families rather than have someone else raise them (daycare). There are instances where it isn't feasible to be at home, but only in a single-parent situation. I think that it is so drilled into us to be like the jones' that we have become a slave to our own lifestyles that we have created. I think, too, that she has a valid point about "losing herself". Moms, we need to keep our identity seperate from our children - meaning that we shouldn't invest 100% of ourselves into our children because one day they will be leaving the nest, and then what? If we don't cultivate our own interests and our relationship with our husbands, we are going to end up being 50 or so, bored, lonely, and divorced!
I recently read "Happy Housewives" by Darla Shine and she addresses all the things that your girlfriend has brought up. I was feeling so - blah I guess about being at home. Like what I did wasn't important and I didn't have an identity. The book really revitalized my thinking and helped me get out of the "doldrums".
Bottom line is that no matter how much you go around with her about it, she won't get it until she has her own babies. Until then, I think it is almost impossible to get her to understand.
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