Do you play with your kids ALL DAY?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2004
Do you play with your kids ALL DAY?
9
Wed, 02-07-2007 - 2:49pm

Hi,

I'm a pretty new SAHM of a 3 year old. He is VERY clingy. He has been with a sitter every day since 6 weeks old, where there are a few children his age. I quit my job to stay home in early January - we also have another one on the way in April.

DS requires my constant attention. He NEVER will play alone. Never. He always wants me to play with him, or look at books with him, or do something with him. The only time (and not even always) that he doesn't demand that I do something with him is if he's watching a video like Elmo or Bob the Builder or something.

This is not fun for me. It makes me angry and irritated. I can't even get 5 minutes to myself in a day. He won't even take a nap anymore. When I would have him on the weekends while I was working full-time, I never had a problem with this. But I can't even count on an hour or 2 in the afternoon for a little time.

Today, after trying the nap thing and getting tired of (me)begging for 45 minutes, I finally went into his room and said "Ok, if you're not going to sleep, why don't you spend some time playing in here? By yourself." He started whining and crying. Hello??? Playing!! I wasn't asking him to clean his room!

I'm so frustrated and tired of this. And I'm really conflicted over it. Is that what I'm supposed to do??? Am I supposed to give my toddler undivided attention from morning to bedtime? And do whatever he wants? I mean, there's only so much I can do of blocks and cars and books, etc. It's not that I don't enjoy spending time with him, but why do I have to give him ALL MY TIME??? I just need 5 minutes peace to myself.

Money is definitely an issue right now. I am working on some work at home jobs, but they haven't really started yet. Once they do, I'm hoping we can get a Y membership which will give us some things to do.

Not only do I resent not having 5 minutes to think for myself, but I'm worried about when this baby comes in a few weeks. What am I going to do then? Listen to constant whining and crying for attention in addition to adjusting to another newborn?

I hope I don't sound too bitter, and I'm so sorry if I'm giving the impression that I don't enjoy my son. I do so much, but I just need to find out if it's normal to play with him ALLL DAY, or if I should expect him to have a little independence.

And how can I accomplish this, most importantly??

Thanks!
Emily

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2006
Wed, 02-07-2007 - 3:18pm

Emily,


I can understand your frustration! I have days like that too.


I started staying at home with my 2 little ones in June. My son Judd started daycare when I went back to work full-time when he was 8 weeks old. I stopped by the daycare during my lunch hour to nurse him and he always seemed happy and waved bye-bye when it was time for me to leave -- then all of a sudden, once I was home with him full-time he became a different baby. He wouldn't let me leave his sight and cried anytime I put him down. This lasted about 4 to 6 weeks. I asked his Dr. and he said that me being at home full-time was a big adjustment for Judd too, not just me. He also said maybe Judd was clingy b/c he thought he might be going back to daycare and not staying with me full-time.


Who knows, after all he is only 16 months old now (he was 8 1/2 months when I started staying home) and he can't really verbalize his feelings. Things have gotten alot better, he still has days of extreme clinginess but most of the time he is content and will play. The point of this long reply (sorry) is that your son probably just needs a little bit of time to adjust, he may also be feeling a little anxious about the upcoming baby! I'm sure soon everything will get better. In the meantime I hope you get a little bit of peace and quiet to yourself!!


Good luck! ~Angie


 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2006
Wed, 02-07-2007 - 5:23pm

Isn't it wierd how they can change so easily?? My dd just turned 4 and is great while I am at home with her but the minute her daddy walks in she turns into a whiny, needy little girl that wants 100% of dh's time. He gives in pretty much all of the time which I think is the difference.

One thing I know that worked for me when she started trying to do that to me is that I set aside a certain amount of time per hour that I would play exclusively with her. The rest of the hour I did something I needed to do. It wasn't easy b/c for a few days she was right with me begging me during the time that I was busy but she got better - much better. Now she plays pretty much by herself all day while I do the things that I need to and then we play two or three times a day in bigger blocks than what we started out doing. I think it is so important to have both play time with you and by themselves. I hope everything works out! I am sure he will continue to adjust hopefully more before the baby comes than after! :)

Congratulations on the baby also! I am due in May. A little scary isn't it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Wed, 02-07-2007 - 6:34pm

Oh hun, take solice that you're not alone, and there is help. This board in particular, the ladies here are chalk full of experience and useful advice. Pretty good friendships too! I'll just start by answering your questions, starting with the topic.


Heck no I don't play with my kids all day. Honestly, I think they'd get sick and tired of me all up in their business. Your case is a bit special though. Your son, he's noticing his little world as he knows it is changing. For all he's know, he had you for a limited amount of time, and now he gets you all day. Big excitement for a child who loves their mommy who loves them, right! But he knows that a new baby is coming?? At any rate, he senses change and is trying to grasp a hold on what he sees as a spiriling-out-of-control world. He is soaking in every last drop of you, for fear.


"Am I supposed to give my toddler undivided attention from morning to bedtime? And do whatever he wants?"


This is the quickest way to raise a narcissistic psychopath. An over inflated sense of self by a fawning indulgent parent is one of the lesser acknowledged and higher damaging forms of child abuse.


You want and NEED time to yourself. He might be at the age where he doesn't need a nap, but that doesn't mean you don't still need the break!! I'll tell you what I did when Caroline was his age. She had a armore in her room with a t.v. and a vhs player. I know I know, awful and evil for a kid to have a t.v. in their room, but it was in a cabinet dresser that she couldn't access with out me!! Anyway, I would give her a sippy, a snack of some sort, put in a video, and tell her that "mommy needs a time out" and to watch the video in her room. Her room was completely child friendly, and I had no qualms about her being in there alone.


Now Caroline was a very complacent child, and all we had to do was tell her and she would stay. With Christopher, and probably with your son, you may have to either put up a baby gate, or put a child-proof cover on the doornob and close his door. Sure he'll cry maybe, but so what honestly? Crying never hurt a three year old. Neither did having a snack and watching a video so that his mommy didn't go insane,Lol!! Then, when the video is over (they're usually about 20-25 minutes long) you go in and hughug kisskiss, "love you lets go play cars!" It may take a week, but I promise you he WILL stop crying and enjoy himself. He has to be taught how to entertain himself, and the farther away you do that from the birth of his sibling the easier it will be on him and the less his sibling resentment (if any) will be.


"I hope I don't sound too bitter, and I'm so sorry if I'm giving the impression that I don't enjoy my son."


Lol, Hoooo girrl! You're talkin to a bunch of SAHM's here. No SAHM here would hold judgement against you for this feeling, because we've ALL been there! We all know the feeling.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2006
Wed, 02-07-2007 - 8:30pm
This sounds like a very good idea and is kind of what I do with my son during the day.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2006
Wed, 02-07-2007 - 8:37pm

Hi Emily,


I feel for you.

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Registered: 03-25-2005
Wed, 02-07-2007 - 9:53pm
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Registered: 01-18-2007
Thu, 02-08-2007 - 8:16am
I have a 2yr old and am also due in May w/ my 2nd child, I've been a SAHM since my 1st was born and I really enjoy it, but I have to agree, it IS hard when you kid constantly wants to have you play w/ them...my daughter, who will be 2 in a few wks, has just began this phase of always wanting me to play w/ her, she was never like that, she got spoiled for Xmas, and I'm like, Hello! W/ all these toys how can possibly not enjoy them by yourself for a little while! I do sense her anxiety sometimes about the new baby, so that's when I try to nip it in the bud and give her some one on one. I also decided to make up a schedule for her, I've never done that, a little late in the game I know, but now that I've been following it, I've found it helps her know what's coming next, whether its play time w/ me, play time alone, lunch, etc. I should've done it sooner, but she has always been a very easy child, so it was never necessary for a schedule, but now that's I've done it, things are getting better and she has began to go back to entertaining herself...I'm still freaked about what will happen when her baby sister comes in May!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2007
Thu, 02-08-2007 - 8:22am
I can relate to your dilemma. I have a 2yr old girl & another one due in May and she has been craving my constant attention every day. She was never like that, whether she can sense change is coming w/ a new baby, maybe, but I've always made sure that she knows I'm attentive to her even when I'm not playing w/ her, and she can still get whiny. I've tried breaking up her day, giving her one on one a few times a day but then what I also did was take some of her toys that she really likes, and I keep them in a closet. When she starts to get clingy I go over and open the closet. She sees the toys and I let her pick what she wants to play with, then I sit w/ her and play for a few minutes and when I see she's engrossed in what she's doing, I kind of just fade into the background. Most of the time she doesn't notice, and she'll continue to play alone, sometimes not, but the reason I keep some of her fave toys in the closet is because out of sight, out of mind, when I take it out its like something new to her. Its a pain to do, I know, but it might help. Good Luck! And don't feel bad, sometimes for my own sanity I have to plop her in front of the tv for a video, that's the only thing she'll enjoy by herself w/out a problem!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2004
Thu, 02-08-2007 - 2:27pm

Thank you so much for your ideas - and your sympathy =). I'm so relieved to know that it's probably just a phase and he needs some adjustment time. I'm going to give your suggestions a try and see how things go.

It sounds like May is going to be a busy baby month around here!!

~Emily