Does anyone else's DH work ALL the time?

Avatar for lori_mcbride
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2003
Does anyone else's DH work ALL the time?
20
Fri, 03-19-2004 - 10:55pm
Hi everyone! :)

I'm new to the board and looking forward to making new friends. I do wonder if anyone has any suggestions for me. My DH is wonderful...he is such a provider for our family and works hard so that I can be home with our 14 month old son, Colin. He is a CPA, so needless to say, the past few months have been HORRIBLE. In addition to working some 13/14 hour days and weekends, he has a 45 minute commute each way to work. As a result...he leaves before our son wakes up in the morning and gets home most nights after he has gone to bed. I have tried SO hard to be understanding and supportive, b/c I know that he doesn't enjoy working like he has been...but the last few days I have just had a meltdown every night. I feel like a single parent and this isn't what I bargained for when I got married to him and we decided to have our baby. We've talked about it, and I feel badly now too, b/c he feels really guilty about not being around as much as he should/and would like to be. Was I wrong for saying something? He keeps saying it will get better..and I know eventually it will...but then I just dread the next year end/month end....all ends!! :) I'm trying to laugh at the situation...but being the one in it really hurts. I hurt that our baby never gets to see his Daddy...and I also feel like we are losing each other in the "rat race" of keeping up with our lives. I just feel like there should be more of a balance. How do we get it?

Sorry for the long message...but positive thoughts and suggestions will be greatly appreciated!! :) Thanks in advance!!

Lori

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2003
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 5:05pm
Hi Lori, my husband works in the oil industry and travels 28 days and is home for 2 weeks. So I know all about dh never being home. We take advantage of every minute with him... I know how it feels to feel like a single mom. I do it all alone too. We homeschool too. It gets hard. Some days seem as though they will never end..

Tax season is almost up, so you should get dh back soon...

Cyndi #6 Edd 10/2

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2004
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 9:27am
I know how you feel! My DH is a car salesman! He sometimes works til 11 or 12 at night finishing a sale! I also feel like a single parent. He works so hard to provide! We have 7 kids and have been married 20 years.He's a good father and husband! Just remember, it's not quantity but quality time! If your husband spends one day playing and being with the kids it's better than having him home everyday and not!

Suzanne

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2004
Sat, 03-27-2004 - 9:16pm
hi, i am new to this too and looking to make a few friends, i totally understand where you are coming from, my husband is a police officer and works long hard hours, it is hard to be home all day and sometimes all night alone with your child. i have just a 3 month old, but i am a stay at home mom too! some ways that we have been able to get through the hard long hours and the lack of spending quality time together are, we absoulty have to make time for eachother, no matter what time of day or night it is. my husband works shift work so his schedule is different every week, but we always make time for eachother. sometimes we even have to celebrate holidays on the closes day to when he is off. you will get through it. it also helps if you have girlfriends to chit chat with during the day and when you feel alone. but your husband is the only one that can fill that lonely void in your life, so just make sure that you guys communicate with eachother. i hope this helped you somewhat..and dont feel guilty you are just telling him what you feel!! talk to you soon!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2003
Sat, 03-27-2004 - 10:02pm
Lori,

It is good that you and your hubby got a chance to talk with each other. Keeping the line of communication open is so important. My hubby use to travel for his work. He would leave early Sunday Morning and get home late Friday night after the baby was in bed. he had this schedule for over 3 years. He would only get to see us on Saturday which was the day I would wash his clothes and get him packed for the next week only to start over again. We would try to keep on the game face, but it was hard. This is our only baby and she was having a lot of difficulties at the time which made it even worse. After sitting down and weighing the pros and cons he decided to stay at home and work from his home office. We are so much happier now. Of course I know not everyone's hubby is in the industry that mine is that they can do that, but I am so thankful and can relate to being a single parent. It is hard. In our case his job was literally killing him physically and mentally and ruining our marriage. We have been married 11 years and are strong people, but not having any time together can really test you. I found that having other Moms to talk with-I take my daughter to Gymnastics-shop a lot (HA)-do crafts-work in the yard-scrapbooking-etc. Even though my hubby is home now it he has been extremely busy so I feel like I am single again at times, but at least he is in the next room if I really need him. I guess if being apart is really taking a tole on anyones marriage they should talk about what can be done to make it better. Good luck amd I hope you find creative ways to be close to hubby when he is away. I forgot we did Instnt messenger via the computer which was nice.

Trish :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2004
Sun, 03-28-2004 - 1:43pm
hi there. i totally can relate. my dh works 12 hour shifts and it's a 45 min commute 1 way too. so most days i'm by myself 14 to 15 hours a day. then he gets home and is so tired that he just wants to go to bed. after talking with babies all day i'm up for some adult convo when he gets home. makes things very hard for us. i have no advice, just to say you are definitely not alone. i wish i could change things, but i guess not, for myself that is. oh, and i have 4 kids and am expected to keep a p/t job at home (med transcription). ugh. ask me when i get my work done! it's very frustrating. oh, and my dad was a cpa and i never saw him during tax season. very typical.

nicole
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2004
Sun, 03-28-2004 - 7:16pm
Welcome to the board. :)

I am in the same boat as you....although my DH (what DOES that mean?? I'm fairly new here too and haven't caught up on the lingo.) Anyway, my DH works his normal job which takes up a huge chunk of his time in addition to a new family business which takes any free time he has after his regular job. So, like your DH, he rarely sees our son.I'm frustrated b/c I don't have him here to be around our son, and to help around the house,(although I am very proud of my growing handyman skills) and feel guilty b/c he's providing a great life and I feel I shouldn't gripe when he's away. Then, to top it off, when he is home we tend to bicker over stupid stuff....stress coming out b/c he feels guilty and I'm frustrated.

Anyway, just wanted to let you know I'm here-- as I know everyone else is--for support!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 1:10am
Hi lori, I saw your post and hon, I feel your pain!! lol My husband works nights, which is certainly no fun, since that means I am home alone every night with our three boys, but when he is home, he's still not home because he has to sleep.

I'm a SAHM, but I'm i college part-time. So a typical day goes like this. He gets home at around 6:30 AM, stays up to get our oldest (5 y/o) off to school at 8, wakes me up at 9, spends a little while with me till I leave for class at 10. We have a babysitter for that time, so he goes to sleep anywhere from 10 AM to 10:30 AM. Then he gets up (if I'm lucky) for my 5:30 classes on Mon. and Tues., and has the boys till I get home around 9. Then it's time to get the boys in bed, and he's at work by 10.

Wed. - Sun. are a little better, but sometimes I can't get him up until 7 or 8 at night if he stays up a little late, and so we only get an hour or so together, and absolutely NO time alone. He works every third weekend, so for a two weeks stretch, he's gone every night. And on the nights he is home, he has to sleep during the day and be up at night to keep his sleeping schedule right, so we still don't see each other much.

I have felt MANY times like a single mother, but I am hoping one of these days he can get transfered to a first shift position. But we've been doing this for 2 years, so it would probably take a while for me to get used to having him in the bed again! LOL Hang in there hon, it should get better in time. Just take heart in knowing that there are certainly plenty of us who know how you feel. Just cherish the time you do have together, and make sure that what little time he and your son have together counts. Good luck, and my thoughts are with you! --->cjaboys

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 8:30pm
dh= dear husband

ds- dear son

dd= dear daughter

im not even gonna tell ya what i thought dh meant when i first saw it!

sara
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2004
Sat, 04-03-2004 - 1:03am
Hi Lori-

I hear you so loudly that you are almost in the room with me! My husband works as a supervisor in a plastics manufacturing company. With the whole military thing in Iraq now, he has been quite busy and extremely stressed out. I try to tell him everday how much I appreciate all the long hours that he puts in for me to stay home with our 8 month old April. He works 3rd shift and April is usually taking a nap when he just wants to hold and play with her. Today, we were just talking about how mush we argue and how unhappy we both are with our current situation. I told him I just don't know how to "be" with him anymore. His idea of us being together is April and I watching as he flys his model radio-controlled airplanes or as he plays games on the computer. This, to me is NOT being together and I just don't know what he means by this. It's gotten to be where we just don't have anyhting in common but our daughter. I am so damn depressed even on this Wellbutrin crap and "cutting" to relieve my excessive levels of stress and I know it isn't helping much, but we just don't know where to go from here. He is so limited on time when he is home before he has to sleep before working another 12-16+ hour day. He wants to relax so he plays with his games or hobby. I know there are no real suggestions for help here, but your question was does anyone else's spouse work all the time too and mine does. I know what you are feeling. The lonliness, the guilt, the shame, the depression. I KNOW! Hang in there though. I believe that some day it will work out for you and for me. I know one thing I am doing to help our situation is to condense all our montly bills as much as possible. Example: Get rid of all the features on your phone that you don't use a lot, long distance, Caller ID, call forwarding, call waiting, etc. Also if you are like me, you might still be paying your hospital bill for the birth of Colin. Try negotiating with the hospital for a cash settlement. Mine was over $1600 and I settled it today for $812. This is one less $75 payment I have to make every month! Well, I am sure you are busy being a mom. I just wanted to let you know I understand exactly where you are coming from. I am writing a book currently to try and releive some of my anger, stress, and depression and it is helping with the Wellbutrin. Maybe you can try the suggestions I have mentioned and something positive will come out of it for you and your family. I wish you guys the best of luck! Please feel free to contact me if you need a friend, okay? A big friendly hug from South Carolina- Nada

Avatar for lori_mcbride
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2003
Sat, 04-03-2004 - 7:05am

Hi Nada!


I'm in SC too!!!

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