Family & Gifts Ramble
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| Tue, 11-09-2004 - 3:42pm |
I was inspired by a previous thread here where the op was questioning whether to continue exchanging gifts with someone. Since the holidays are coming up, does anyone else here struggle with the gift "regimes" in their family or their spouse's family?
This is part rant, part WWYD, part thinking-out loud. Sorry it's so long.
My husband's family all live in far-flung places and we usually see eachother all-together two to three times a year. We don't really know eachother well enough anymore to be able to select thoughtful gifts for eachother. And some of us are better than others at guessing. The women, who take on all the work of selecting, buying and mailing birthday gifts and Christmas gifts in a timely manner, usually exchange time-consuming, lengthy emails of suggestions for eachothers' children before purchases are made ....
I do the gift-giving work in my family because I'm good at it and I don't loathe the chore. It's just sensible division of labor between dh and I ... not any sense of wifely duty. He does lots of chores that I HATE ... And he HATES to shop.
A few years ago, at our suggestion, the adult children stopped exchanging Xmas gifts (though I suspect there might have been some resentment about this among dh's siblings -- not among the spouses who do the actual work). For birthdays, the sibs usually exhange phone calls. This is one of the few predictable times that they contact one another during the year. Spontaneous phone calls are far between. Minor news and info usually travels indirectly on the phone chain, mostly by way of the parents with whom everyone checks in slightly more regularly. Everyone still gives presents to the parents. MIL and FIL still gift everyone on many occasions. We also give to some of DH's extended family, since we are their only family and they were good to the kids when they were little and they buy for our kids now. And we still gift the sister (and her dh) since she doesn't have kids yet, but she buys for our children. So although there has been some (grudging) reigning-in, it's still a lot of work and $$.
None of us are personally close. We seem to enjoy one another alright when we gather because we have lots in common as young families and SAHM's and working parents. But there is also, IMO, a lot of petty, unspoken competition among the siblings (not unusal, I understand, even in loving families) in general and specific competition for the parent's approval and attention. It puts up glass walls ... sometimes it seems to me that everyone is just going through the motions of interacting at the prescribed holidays.
Dh & I would like to scale back the gift thing even further -- there are ten grandkids now with more to come eventually. We think a name-exchange would be more sensible ... and the adults could even get back in the game if we were doing fewer gifts overall, if they wanted to. The parents could remain an exception and continue to gift everyone and the extended fam relatives, who are of limited means and have tricky financial situations, could lay off of buying and mailing for *all* of the grandkids. But several attempts to start a meaningful discussion about this have been greeted with stubborn and guarded non-response, like we are violating family taboo. Like we already hood-winked everyone into giving up full-blown exchange. And yes, we have been careful to have *dh* be the one to broach the subject with everyone.
DH and I wish the fam would make more of an effort in the areas that count, like visiting eachother, keeping in touch and making occasions to create the kinds of memories that make having family worthwhile. We think some of the pettiness and distance might dissolve if we had more face-time and meaningful interation. And we all actually *knew* eachother's growing families (instead of swapping gifts and little else). Of course, some of this is hampered by honest hurdles like distance and shortage of time and $$ for travel. And I have to admit, we have been reluctant to lead by example after some initial, failed attempts. You can lead the horse to water .... It would be very difficult to express these sentiments without evoking a lot of cynicism and defensiveness.
I guess if we want to scale back on gifting, we just have to do what makes sense for us and TELL people what we are willing to do for holidays rather than wait for conscensus. And to approach this as a practical issue, independant of all the interpersonal baggage. What family doesn't have that? LOL.
Anyone else deal with this stuff? Anyone have practical suggestions about the whole family gift-thing (GOD you should have seen the DUMP of XMAS junk in our living room during Xmas week last year. I hate the message it sends to my kids. I hate the overkill.)? I'm curious about how other people deal with this stuff.
Edited 1/15/2005 3:58 pm ET ET by donachiara


I come from a family with 4 kids. My parents didn't have a lot of money so we usually received a few well-thought out gifts and we make a ritual of opening where the youngest picks a wrapped gift from under the tree and then gives it to whomever it belongs to for opening. We all watch while they open and ooh and aah appropriately. Now that I'm married with 2 kids, my sis is married with one on the way, my brother is married and the youngest sibling is in college we know that a gift exchange will have to happen eventually but we keep putting it off because everyone is still close.
Coming from this background you can imagine my surprise a decade ago when DH told me his family all exchanged gifts and this included extended family. I carefully selected gifts for about 15 people. I took my gifts to my first Christmas ever with the family and was shocked when a Santa was chosen, everyone had a stack, someone said go and we tore into the presents as quickly as possible (I don't want to offend anyone-I see some advantages to this method but I was not used to it at all). As I looked around I realized that in his family you choose 1 type of gift and then gave that to everyone so his aunt gave everyone calendars and jewelry from Hawaii, etc. My MIL who tried hard but was never all together just bought about 30 pairs of gloves, put them a large box and then walked around the room having everyone select a pair.
We did this for about 4 years then we suggested a gift wheel (type of gift exchange) kids went on 1 wheel and adults went on another wheel. I had the lovely job of organizing all of this but once I had it set up it wasn't a problem.
O.K. MIL passed away suddenly, FIL remarried within 6 months. We now see DH's stepsiblings, stepaunt and stepgrandparents once a year at Christmas. I've been frustrated for the past couple of years but when I suggested just gathering as a family & not exchanging not everyone wanted that. I did check with everyone to make sure they wanted included (3 families opted out which is fine) and spoke with my DH. His feeling was that he was raised with this people (FIL and MIL #2 were married for 27 years when she passed away) and so he doesn't want to lose touch. At that point I decided this wasn't worth stressing over-I tried to get gift lists from people and created lists for our family. I've passed along the information and that's all can do.
If your DH has brought it up and it's been shot down then I really don't think you should jump in-especially since the family situation is so difficult. If you don't want to do individual gifts for all perhaps your family could give experience gifts to the kids in sibling groups. For example, a season pass to the zoo with one of those Zoo keys for each child, tickets to a special event or a special weekend with you.
Taleyna
I am not sure if this could help, but in our family we try to make cutting back on gifts a fun thing. Here is a game that all of the adults play together.
Each year we have a 'Choose it or lose it' gift exchange -- where
Are you a M.O.M-Mom of Many? Find other M.O.M's
I no longer speak with my mother because of her judgemental and demented ways and my grandmother does not buy gifts so that leaves my Father and my 2 siblings. My father got a book he listed on amazon for 20 dollars..my sister handmade candles and candle holders with a Mary Moo collectible..and my brother money cause 15 year old boys want things I can't afford..
Basically unless you keep approaching the subject for acceptance with the family things will never get changed...so you other option is to save yourself money..make some of the things you wish to give...usually crafts can do just about anything you can buy and you can always enjoy it as well. And start buying right after Christmas...best time to get good deals on things...I love Christmas ALOT..and I don't mind giving gifts..but I also make sure its things that I can afford and accept as a meaningful gift. Heck I already have my Christmas's trees up cause I couldn't wait any longer for it!! lol..but good luck in whatever you decided for this year I know money problems only too well..
.
Taleyna, thank you for your thoughtful response!
Your story about family culture shock may me feel guilty for being so judgemental of dh's family (guilty in a good way because it made me think -- Of course ... All families are different). Because I have been hurt so often, I tend to forget sometimes that they had challenges growing up that were very different than mine. Yesterday, I had a bunch of stressful things weighing on my mind and I think I snapped into pessimistic mode and was maybe feeling a little sorry for myself. Then last night, I dreamed of my in-laws ... a disasterous interaction where I pretty much said everything that I thought and I acted very badly. I woke up with the feeling that I needed to back off of judging them (since I hate feeling judged myself) and also that I oughta lighten up. I felt relieved that the 'disaster' was only a dream. I will see all of these people in a few weeks, and so I guess I am worrying about it unconsciously.
It also occured to me that from our perspective, dh and I are being obligated against our will to participate in something that doesn't totally make sense to us. But from the families' perspective, I guess it must seem like dh and I are trying to dictate to THEM. I just get frustrated because we are all of more or less equal means (with a few who struggle financially) and we all have a lot of responsibilities ... the older ones have a couple of kids and the youngest is just starting out. And we all complain about not having enough time. And I think it would make sense to revisit what we are doing. Nothing important would be lost by (the spouses) spending a little less time or dough on the GIFTS. These people are not going to their graves thinking, I should have had my wife shop more for my siblings. LOL! ... But I can't expect everyone to think like dh and I. I just struggle with when to go along and when to draw a line with these people. And I wish they could stop being defensive (nobody's trying to get a leg up on anyone, no one is threatening their families' identity) and chill out enough to be more sensible. But then, I wish lots of things. So I need to get over myself. :)
<< (I) spoke with my DH. ... and ... he doesn't want to lose touch. At that point I decided this wasn't worth stressing over-I tried to get gift lists from people and created lists for our family. I've passed along the information and that's all can do.>>
You are wise. I think I will just count my blessings and go about the whole routine with the right spirit and try to forget all the rest.
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Yep.
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Excellent idea. Thank you.
Edited 1/15/2005 4:04 pm ET ET by donachiara
Thanks again.
D.
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Your family is lucky to have you. Great perspective and advice. You reminded me that Christmas isn't about the baggage. Thank you.
If you decide to do the book or software and charity thing, or some other variation of what's been done in the past, you might want to drop notes to the others in advance and let them know that you're thinking of books or videos plus charity contributions this year and ask if the kids have specific charities they'd like the contributions to go toward or if there are certain types of books that they might enjoy.
Do you think you'd get a lot of grief for switching to smaller gifts with the rest of the $ going to those less fortunate?
Best wishes with the holiday shopping - Suzanne
Hi Suzanne!
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We do books a lot because they are such an inoffensive selection and most of the kids like to read. It's a good suggestion. My kids have a lot of books and we go to the library often ... but even so we love to get books. There are so many delightful ones out there that we wouldn't know about if people didn't share them with us. I will check out that website.
One big, charitable donation is something we have considered in the past, and perhaps it's time has come. We've hesitated because we thought it might cause a stir. But we will consider it again this year. Maybe when the emails to ask what to get the kids arrive, we could suggest a charitable donation. I just can't anticipate what kind of reaction that will get. I can hear the cries of "party-pooping" from all around. Not that that will dictate what we do.
Last year we donated a lot of the toys that my kids received. We were fortunate to be so blessed at the holidays and we received far more things than they needed. It was a way to teach the kids to share their good fortune with some kids who were not so lucky. If nothing changes, we will probably do that again this year.
Smaller gifts are definately the way we will go if we do the present-thing. It was possible to do bigger gifts when there were fewer children. Do you really think we have to let everyone know we're scaling back? Announce that we will spend no more than $XX on each child? Is there some guideline for communicating about this stuff? I figure people just give what their budget allows with good intentions and ... if people are dissatisfied then their head's in the wrong place. You don't give because of what you think you will get back ... ??? We almost can't win with these people no matter what we do ....
Edited 1/15/2005 4:08 pm ET ET by donachiara
I don't know how old your kids or nieces & nephews are, so this might not be age- appropriate. But Book closeouts has a hardback copy of This Land is Your Land that is beautifully illustrated and contains a childrens' music CD with woody guthrie and arlo guthrie that is really cute. We have given it to several six year olds who have loved it. It's 8 bucks instead of 20. They tend to sell out of the good stuff really fast though.
http://www.bookcloseouts.com/bc/display.book.asp?sku=0316065641B&isbn=0316065641
If you end up taking the time to navigate through this site and order stuff, you will find that it doesn't look like you have scaled back at all. These are very inexpensive and the stuff is of good quality. I typically cut and paste the ISBN number into the site of another major bookstore in order to see larger photos and get more descriptive information on the books before choosing to purchase.
(And no, I don't think you need to announce that you are scaling back.)
Oh - if you do place an order, do a google search for online coupons for bookcloseouts first. You can typically find a coupon for $5 off $30 purchase.
- Suzanne
Suzanne, you are the coolest! I went on the site and I have two copies of that book in my shopping cart. I am sure they will approve of this choice. You are very clever. Thank you. I am taking a day or two to contemplate if there are any other "birds" I can "kill" with this stone before I complete the checkout. The google search for a coupon was also a very saavy tip! You are my kind of Christmas shopper! Thank you again!!
Cheers.
D.
Edited 1/15/2005 3:44 pm ET ET by donachiara