Feel like a bad mom
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| Mon, 11-29-2004 - 3:20pm |
Hello,
I'm new here. I am mom to Ian born June 11, 2004. Took two years of trying and I am so blessed to have him. He's the most beautiful boy with a great disposition and personality. He smiles easily and I can't believe how much I love him. But then I get into a rut. I used to be a very busy career woman. I have an advanced education and have worked my whole life. I'm very fortunate to have a DH who is able to support family without a second income. For this I am soo greatful and again, VERY FORTUNATE. I know many moms who must work and don't necessarily want to.
But I am starting to get frustrated. I think I'm a horrible mom. I have this wonderful 5 month old but I don't know what to do with him! We read but that gets old fast for him. We play with toys etc. but that also doesn't hold his interest. I can't get him to take naps! It's not that he gets fussy and won't go down, he just doesn't want to take a nap. When he finally does give up and go down it's only for 45 minutes (at the MOST) and by this time I am exhausted and I want a nap. I feed him, (BF until now, will wean completely @ six mos) but that only lasts so long. The rest of the time I don't know what to do! We can only do so much shopping and now it's pretty cold out so walks and beach are out. He doesn't do too well entertaining himself yet but I fear this is my fault. I've held him and tried to attend to him when he cries but many women have told me not to do this, to let him cry/scream and figure out how to take care of himself. I have a hard time doing this, not because crying is bad for him but I feel like he depends on me and when I know I can comfort him I should. I think he knows this as well. I feel guilty when he looks at me with real tears and I do nothing to comfort him! I thought I would be able to do all this stuff as a say home mom but I can't get anything done because I've got him with me all the time. But, I digress. Sometimes I feel like I don't know how to take care of him and that I am not doing it right. Then I feel like I want to have him in daycare so I can maintain my own sense of identity but then I am overwrought with guilt again because I CAN stay home (and feel like I SHOULD) but don't want to. DH wants me to stay home but I don't know. I don't think I'm doing a very good job of being a mother to this sweet little boy because I feel like I don't know how to be his mommy. Then, on top of all this, I feel selfish because I feel like I'm lost, like I don't have any value anymore. I don't feel important anymore. How selfish is that!!!??
Sorry for the ramble. I just had to actually get this outside of me. Boo hoo, I know. I'm not trying to feel sorry for myself I'm just trying to verbalize how I feel.
Thanks for listening,
Reebs

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First things first being a first time mom is not an easy feat. None of us are born with this ability to look inside a child the moment its born and know exactly at any given moment what it is that we need to do to satisfy a screaming child. I remember the first few months with my first and I felt absolutely lost at times. So never feel alone. If your friends act like experts let them act it alone. I assure you they aren't and neither did they know the perfect solution to every cry their first babies had or subsequent children after that. Each child is different. The reason your child doesn't seem to nap long may be his own body clock. Some children nap 3 hours once a day some nap 45 mins. several times a day, but one fact to remember is the minute that baby hits the pillow you hit one yourself. Caring for a newborn fulltime is an exhausting job and I even remember the temptations of finding other things to do while the baby napped that seemed more interesting than sleeping, but I came to find that those few mins. or hours were meant for me to sleep as well and nothing else. Some ideas for longer napping might be do you feed him cereal or apple sauce before his naps..? The fuller his stomach is the more restful he might be. As far as him crying ? Do you notice if he seems to cry out of want for you or even when you pick him up does he seem to still be somewhat uncomfortable? Both of my children had colic a most dreadful condition for both the baby and mother. I can remember nights and days of wondering how I would make it thru with all the crying for months on end it seemed. Most babies don't have colic after 3 months but mine seem to linger longer than that. You might offer him some Mylicon drops in case. One lesson you have learned is being a stay at home mom is not an easy task like many would like to think. I have thought long and hard about how easy it would be to escape and go back to work, but then I think would I really be taking care of them if they stayed in daycare 8 hours a day 5 days a week ? This is a personal decision for every mother to make I just am biased by how I feel. And the fact I like you had a terrible time conceiving and I promised God if He would let me carry just one baby to term I would stay at home with the baby. I know this transition seems very hard but as time progresses things will be more clear. You need to see if you can find a working schedule with your child. Like times he seems to be prone to eat, nap, use the bathroom, and so on and work yourself around that schedule and this isn't easy to get either. I was more able to apply a decent schedule with my second than I was with my first. But eventually I was able to do it with both. One thing to remember is it's your child. You pamper to his needs as you feel you should. Don't let anyone else tell you not to pick him up or so on. Some children just like to be closer and more dependent than others and I know its nerve racking I am still going thru it myself. My first is much more independent than my second. My second spends his time attached to my leg following me around the house. It does get easier as they get older, but I find myself longing for the small babies I lost in the transitions of children.
The other thing you mentioned was about feeling no self value. I too have felt that exact feeling. I went back to school to finish a nursing degree and I decided it was time to put the kids in daycare once a week. You need time to yourself as well as time to be Mom. Even if its just a few hours a week while Dh watches the baby or you do decide to put him in daycare a day a week, a month...just take time for you..this time makes you regain some control over what seems to be an uncontrollable situation and its very important. Well I think I have been long winded enough and now I am off to coerce my children into a nap because I need one too =) Good luck to you..you aren't a terrible mom, you aren't selfish..just remember you too are human you need time to yourself, but realize that one day you will look back onto these challenges and gifts of your child and think what an accomplishment you raised standing before you today. It passes all too fast.
Angelia
Mother of 2 boys
L&D nursing student
mmmm, sort of know what you are talking about.
I too have a master's degree and had a great career that I enjoyed and gave me societal "status". Now, I am a stay-at-home mother to a 5 and 3 year old great kids and am soooo GRATEFUL for having this opportunity. You are right, it is difficult to let go of so much-- your 1)Ann Taylor smart outfits, 2)lunches out with colleagues, and 3)YOUR perception of self-worth. This is how I dealt with those issues and you can take what you want out of it, disregard the rest.
1- Although I didn't dress up in business attire, I did make it a point to shower and put on my face in the morning before my husband would leave for work. Just bc I was a SAHM I was determined to not be "frumpy" and keeping up my appearances, like I did at work, contributed to the way I felt about myself.
2- Although I wasn't going out to lunch with professional colleagues, I sought out "new" colleagues. Today I surround myself with women just like me- with values just like mine- stay-at-home moms with interesting backgrounds to me... my play-group includes a family doctor (she quit bc she felt it was too much sacrifice for her kids), an attorney who didn't want her twins to be raised by a nanny, marketing director, a family therapist... well, as you can tell, a wealth of differences but our gatherings are rich in conversation. We get together at eachother's houses once a week with the kids- we met at a baby's gym class when our babies were only months old- and we get together for a mom's night out once a month... kids stay with dad!
3- now for the self-worth. This is the toughest part. You need to do a lot of soul-searching. One of the things I did was start listening to the ever controversial Dr. Laura on AM radio bc all I knew about her was that she was very opinionated about staying at home. I knew that in my heart I felt staying at home was important but couldn't articulate precisely WHY... So, I started listening to her program M-F and at about the 2nd or 3rd week I had a more clearly articulated REASON -in my head- why I was at home.
Lastly... I am on sabbatical... work can, and will be there in the future. I have taken times off of work in my life where it is much more socially acceptable- such as when I was obtaining an undergraduate degree. When I went on to get my master's, many people asked me if I was going to take time off for the master's - which I didn't... Then, I had an epiphany listening to Dr. Laura... WHY IS IT SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE TO STOP WORKING FOR UNIVERSITY DEGREES AND NOT SO RESPECTABLE TO RAISE, BOND WITH AND LOVE YOUR CHILD??? I don't know what it says about our society. Even though I do consider myself a "today's woman", I think that attitude from the women's lib era was the BAD wave left over.
So, I don't know if any of this helps you, but it just shows you another woman's perspective. It really is up to YOU and at the end of the day, you will convince yourself that what you choose is the best for your child. That is what we all do, regardless of the choice we choose, we do what we THINK is right. Our children have no say.
With my best in your quest for answers...
Grace, proud mom to a 5 yr old daughter and 3 yr old son...
I could have written many parts of your post a few months ago with my own son named Ian. He's a second child so I wasn't as concerned about some things having stressed about them the first time.
What has worked wonders for me is working 2 mornings a week teaching. I'm working on a Ph.D. so working per course has been ideal. I wasn't offered a course last spring because the department head knew about the baby and knew I wanted to be home. I love my son and daughter immensely but still found myself wondering what now?
I think most SAHM find something outside the home or in that sustains them. For some people that might be a mom's group, for some it might be participation in a Bible study or exercise class. When I was in graduate school and DD went to daycare, I took 1 afternoon a week to volunteer at a women's shelter. Talk about making me realize how lucky I was. With my son, I'm doubly blessed that DH teaches afternoon class so my me time become a time for my workaholic husband to spend time with Ian that he wouldn't otherwise.
T.
I think at this young age of a child, it is hard for everyone to keep a baby entertained. It is just they get bored easy and want to move on and learn new things.
I think you are doing great at what you are doing. Things will get better once he is older and more mobile. The naps will get better too. Do you have a routine set for him? That might help a bit.
Good luck.
Reebs
Reebs, the last thing u are is a bad mom. It is hard to go from being amoung colleagues all day to basically being alone. I'm a sahm to 2 girls, 3 and 17 mos. It was tough to adjust when I quit after the birth of my 1st daughter. You lose ur freedom and independence. On the other hand u gain someone that loves u unconditionally. All those wonderful toothless grins are just for u and u are watching him do everything for the 1st time. U get to witness miracles everyday! Do u have any Baby Einstein dvds? Both of my daughter's loved them. I could put them in their bouncer, swing, walker, and they would watch intently while I got some laundry done or made a much needed phone call. I discovered with my 2nd that babies don't need as much attention as we think. My oldest was only 22 mos. when 2nd was born so she still needed plenty of care as well. Now at 17mos. my 2nd loves to play alone and with her big sis as well. Don't stress! Take a deep breath and relax, bc even as u r reading this he is growing. It happens in the blink of an eye. It may be hard at times, but enjoy every moment. I hope I have helped a little. Have a good day!
Amber
My pleasure Reebs... of course, disclosure: I am biased, but I do realize that we ALL are. I have friends on both sides of the fence and I find friends on both sides quite elitist! Many-not all, but MANY- of my stay-at-home friends claim the women that work don't love their children and my friends that are employed say stay-at-home moms aren't using their brains. If you step back, you can see how crazy these statements are... Then I had a conversation with my husband about this (complaining about both sides of the fence friends) and he said something pretty interesting "well of course they say those things. It is their way of JUSTIFYING THEIR CHOICES"... hmmmm.............. made me reflect on our human nature.
One of the funniest things that I hear over and over, "my baby LOVES daycare, in fact he cries when he sees me and doesn't want to leave the center!" Yikes, and that is a good thing? Like I disclosed, I am very biased... I love my autonomy deciding that this gray autumn day is ideal to bake chocolate chip cookies with the kids... or waking up in the middle of the night to a sick child and not having to worry about the project at work that NEEDS to get done the following day... grocery shopping or picking up dry-cleaning done during the day so that evenings are free for family/relaxation time... and reminding myself over and over- this is TEMPORARY. Work can, and will be there for me in the future, when *I* decide. I know there will come a time when I will want and need to go back to work but for the moment... just like I loved my undergrad days... I am LOVING this without any guilt. Oh, and one more thing: I was a daycare kid since the age of 6 weeks and I remember CLEARLY (as does my mom) crying at the daycare center's (when I was 3 or so) window looking down at my mom driving off not bc I didn't like the kids there or the teachers but because I desperately wanted my mom's warmth. After a lot of reflection, I think that was the clincher for me.
With my best, Grace
I can relate to how you feel!! My daughter hardly ever napped at 5 months (and she would sometimes get fussy about it), and I wondered what in the world to do! She is now 14 months, and it gets so much easier once they can move around and their personalities develop further. Now she entertains herself much more easily.
Some ideas for 5 months:
Take a walk in a local mall (I was never a mall person before but it gets you out of the house)
Sit in a Starbucks (to this day, my daughter is very polite in any coffee shop since she has been going there since 4 weeks of age!) and strike up a conversation with other moms there
Try Gymboree classes: I started taking Laura at 6 months to the Quarter Notes music class. It is great for her non-napping active personality. You can usually preview the first class for free.
Go to a museum: yes a 5 month old will not get much out of this, but it is a different place to go for a walk
Visit a toy store: I loved to see Laura's different reactions to toys
Dance to music
Also a general philosophy I have had when I begin to get bored (and I will admit that it does happen) is to think: what would I really like to be doing right now? Then I find a way to integrate Laura into that. She catches my enthusiasm and ends up enjoying it too.
Regarding the advice not to cater to their every need, to be honest, if she was crying (especially at that young age), I responded. I worried about spoiling her as you are worrying, but I have found that past one-year is when that advice is more applicable. Now I can definitely determine times when I should ignore Laura's fussing (she wants something she shouldn't have for example), and now is the time that I am teaching her patience, etc. She is not spoiled at all. Before about 9 months, it was too difficult for me to tell if it was something I should ignore or not.
Take care,
Sherry
Thanks for the great support! I'm so glad others feel like I do. I know that it will get better and that one day I will look back on this and think, "Where did the time go?" I also want to have antother baby relatively soon and that makes me a bit anxious. It's only because the clock is ticking..... I know it's close together but I really don't have a choice. Then I get worried that I'll realy be in a pickle. What to do with two little kids, etc. But your suggestions are good ones. I too am not a mall person but I think it's a diviersion I can live with for now. Thanks again for your kind words. How's the weather where you live? Got dumped with snow last night here. With the Christmas lights and the new snow now it's pretty outside my windows.
Thanks again,
Reebs
Reebs- you were getting down on yourself. i know how that "just happens" to us from time to time.
but if you could see from our perspective- you'd know that you're a terrific superb mom.
it's wonderful to be caring for a baby & you have so much love and caring -from your post that was clear.
don't second-guess yourself!!!
Jen
Jordan
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