Glamour Article

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2004
Glamour Article
44
Thu, 03-22-2007 - 8:32pm

Misty - Due 4/2/09

Lilypie Expecting a baby Ticker

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2007
In reply to: misty0705
Fri, 03-23-2007 - 11:20pm

Thanks so much for the welcome and kind words -- nice to meet you and glad to hear things worked out in your marriage! It really is just a matter of practicalities and hard facts -- sometimes the best thing we can do for our children is to make sure we can provide for them alone if necessary. Just that confidence and lack of dependence on the man can strengthen a marriage and help a woman get through any rough spots. And the self-esteem argument definitely cuts both ways - having a backup plan can help women in bad marriages realize that they deserve better than to be financially dependent on an abusive/addicted/unfaithful man. (While I focused on divorce, as that's the most common way marriages end, those who think life insurance will enable them to keep staying at home in the unfortunate event of their spouse's death might be in for major sticker shock as well, but let's hope no one ever has to face that). I wasn't as offended by the article as others, but I don't remember it containing any quote by a woman who felt that she "loathed" herself for staying at home or had such little self-esteem that she felt her work at home was "inconsequential." Mischaracterizing the article and then responding to what it didn't say is not a persuasive way of challenging its arguments, in my opinion. I agree perhaps the tone of the article could have been more neutral, but I think it was just trying to encourage people to have a plan. (BTW, I think no matter what we do in our life, we should always have a backup plan. Goodness knows the workplace is no more secure than many marriages).

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2007
In reply to: misty0705
Sat, 03-24-2007 - 12:41am

all I have to say is WOW!!!! That was really bad writing. I think it is rediculous to spend your life working and paying daycare just in case you hubby leaves you or heavens for bid you sadly lose him. Why is it that they said we like to sit back and being taken care of. I have to laugh really hard on that one. What do they think we do all day? Sit in a bubble bath and have sevents wait on us while our children play quietly in the corner. I hope that my daughter, if I have one, does decide to stay home because it is the right thing to do. I have to say to all of you ladies thank you for supporting a small group of women in the world. I can't even believe that they said there were no differences from day care children and stay at home children.

I am not being taken care of by my husband. We are taking care of eachother. He brings home the money so I can stay home with our children and I stay home with our children so he can work. If I had to get a job to help then that is what I would do. My husband can stay home and I will work. I really can't even believe that they posted that article in the magazine. I think it made me sick. I would never in my life say that deciding to stay home that it was the worst decission ever. I am not going to teach my kid that all it takes to be a mom and dad is to have sex have a baby and then put them in day care. I really can't say enough of this article. We are stepping up and being there for our children. It always made me so mad that people pay other people to do a job that you are a lot more qualified to do.

The best thing that I ever heard about stay at home moms was from Dr.Laura...she said that no matter what job you have. No matter how big or small or how "important" you are, you can be replaced,period. No one can replace you as a mom. That is all that matters.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2007
In reply to: misty0705
Sat, 03-24-2007 - 12:54am

wow I read your post and I just have to ask if you are a stay at home mom? Yes it is a chance that we will be divorsed but I garantee you that I will be fine. I am sure most of these women will. There is nothing stronger then a stay at home mom. That is why I ask if you are one because if so then you would know what we do all day. It is just silly to be in a marriage and think to yourself...oh no today could be the day that my husband leaves me and what am I going to do? That will not be me and most likely anyone on this board. You put yourself out there to your hubby with trust because that is what you have to do. If you don't then you shouldn't have even gotten married. That is just what I think. As for me: my husband is self employed and I am a part owner so I am ok. Also we have life insurance and retirement accounts. That is a good thing to do regardless of if you work.

I was just a little shocked by your post.

I think the article was totally fabricated for the readers of Glamour....hint women who work outside the home.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2007
In reply to: misty0705
Sat, 03-24-2007 - 12:56am
yes well said. I agree with you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2007
In reply to: misty0705
Sat, 03-24-2007 - 1:11am

What makes you think that as soon as we "get rid" of our husbands, that we will be with another man. All we want is that best for our kids and we enjoy our partner. What happened to being optimistic? What if for some of us when we said for better or for worse we meant it? I am also hoping that we are not women who are meshed with men who don't appriciate us and who beat us. I think of my husband as my best friend and yes we have had problems but we work them out together because guess what? We don't just want to get a divorse as soon as something goes wrong. Maybe the reason why divorce rate is so high is because people get them way too fast.

We are not financially dependent on our husbands. we are dependant on eachother equally.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2003
In reply to: misty0705
Sat, 03-24-2007 - 11:02am

I think that Dr. Laura quote was great! Honestly, I think we all agree on this issue, we're just coming at it from different angles. Many of you have said how you do have a backup plan, just in case you do become the sole provider, or if your SO/DH can't work for a time. Just as moms can't be replaced, neither can fathers, and I think SAHFs have it even harder in society's standards. The whole tone of this thread got really nasty all of a sudden, but I think we're just misunderstanding each other. We all need a backup plan, and none of us are "taking advantage of our situation" and being lazy now that we don't have to work outside the home. We all work hard inside the home, which makes it possible for our SOs/Dhs to work outside the home. We ALL have important jobs, even if we do have to re-enter the workforce, or if we've never left it. A lot of working moms have no choice: they desparately want what we have, to stay home with their kids, but can't afford to or they'll be living on the street, or they may be a sole provider. We should have compassion for both sides of the debate. It was rude of the author of that Glamour article to say that we, as SAHMs, are settling for a life without self-esteem, etc. True, that Glamour article could've been written better, but as several of you have mentioned, a backup plan is important. Society sees SAHMing as a menial job, and often those jobs lack self-esteem in the public view. That's probably why that author assumed that we have no self-esteem, etc. If she has never been a SAHM, then she's really only basing her opinions on collective bias. Or maybe she has been, but being a SAHM wasn't really for her. If so, then it was wrong of her to state her opinion for every SAHM out there.

I like your comment, Shannon (that is your name, yes?), about how our kids need to learn that there's more to having kids than just getting pg and shoving them at a babysitter/daycare. Having those outside resources is important, even for SAHMs, but it's not all there is. I think that Glamour article may have been worded the way it was for this reason: children are the new "tiny dog" in general society. I don't agree or think it's right or acceptable, but a good portion of society feels that children are just a status symbol, or something they have to do to make up for spurning the "traditional" roles of family, motherhood, SAHM, etc. Then they may resent the additional roles and responsibilities and restrictions that motherhood/familyhood can bring on them. That may have attributed to much of the poor wording in the Glamour article.

'k. I think this is long enough. I hope we can all get along. We really are mostly all agreeing with one another, it's just a misunderstanding because of wording. Honestly, if something is said with tact and thoughtfulness, I would hope we'd welcome an opposing viewpoint with as much open-mindedness as we're trying to instill in our children.

~ Kat

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2003
In reply to: misty0705
Sat, 03-24-2007 - 11:13am

Sweetie, sweetie, sweetie. Down, girl. I understand that you all are getting pretty worked up about the opposing viewpoint. I'm not saying you're wrong or right to be worked up, but let's all just take a step back and view the facts we all agree on:
1. We should have a backup plan in case we become the sole provider for our children, however that comes about.
2. Most (if not virtually all) women do not expect to and do not get abused, neglected, or mistreated. Some do, and sometimes it's a shock to them. I know from experience how much a partner can change once you have a ring on. My dh was loving and sweet and a dream while we were dating, then turned into a neglectful, angry, abusive monster once we got married. He's fine now, but that's after almost 6 years of marriage counseling, individual counseling, anger management counseling, and a few separations. We, too, are fully committed to working things out, and we are, but I had to leave and rejoin the workforce for awhile because I didn't feel safe with my kids being in his care 24/7. I have seen both sides of this argument. It's not something worth fighting over! Honestly, if I were one of the several women on this board who HAVE been in this position or ARE in this position, I'd like a little more sensitivity about what is being required of them.
3. All moms have a difficult job, whether they're SAHM or other working moms. I don't think that's what people are angry about. I think it's the assumption that SAHMs lack self-esteem or working skills and they only stay home so they can be lazy and have sugar daddies. Yes, that was a horrid choice of words, but it is just one person's opinion. Most everybody who reads that article will already have their own opinion and/or personal experience. Most likely, this one article won't change their minds and they won't become "work outside the home" crusaders. I'm sure the Glamour article wasn't an attack on our characters, and it wasn't to convince us to join the workforce tomorrow. I'm sure it was just one individual's poorly worded opinion.

~ Kat

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2007
In reply to: misty0705
Sat, 03-24-2007 - 2:04pm

Umm I wasn't worked up at all but you talking down to me and calling me sweetie 3 times and then say down girl is really not appropriate. This article was not in the heated topics. I stand by what I said about always thinkit it could end is just rediculous. I am not arguing I don't need to I already know that staying home is the right thing to do. As far as abuse goes: yes that is a reason to leave but really women are alot stronger then that article and some other people think. I don't even want to go back and forth I was just saying that I don't understand why you are having an oposing arguement on this topic when all it was started for was to say that it made her a little angry and she was sharing it.

It doesn't even matter to me. What ever you say to me is just a waist of typing. We are living in the now and enjoying our kids now. That is all that matters. If something happens then we will deal with it then.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2005
In reply to: misty0705
Sat, 03-24-2007 - 2:13pm

I'll chime in on this one!


I had a very good career as an interior designer before I had my daughter.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2006
In reply to: misty0705
Sat, 03-24-2007 - 2:24pm

Fantastic reply, Tanya. I couldn't quite find the words to express what I was thinking on the topic. The not living like the sky is falling statement kinda says what I was thinking.


I'm back to work and had no trouble finding a job in my field and am paid substantially more than when I quit 7 years ago, but I can see how everyone may not have that good fortune. I understand the idea of a 'backup plan', but should sacraficing the time you spend with your child (if it is your preference to be a sahm) be that plan?


I thought the article was very one sided and insulting, regardless of any truth that may be found in it.

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