to the "good ol' days" of partying~
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| Wed, 08-04-2004 - 8:37pm |
Dear Alcohol,
First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. My
friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work
cocktail, a beer with the game, and you're even around in the holidays
hidden inside chocolates as you warm us while we're stuck in the midst
of endless family gatherings.
However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions.
While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel
that your influence has led to some unwise consequences, briefed below
for your review.
1. Phone Calls: While I agree with you that communication is important,
I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity
takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?
2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that
I eat a kabob with chili sauce, along with a big Italian hoagie & some
stale chips (washed down with chocolate Nesquik & topped off with a Kit Kat,
all after a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater,
but I think you went too far this time.
3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do
more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home
by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black &
blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me.
Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front
door key into the lock.
4. Pictures: This can be a blessing in disguise, as it can often clarify
the last point below, but the following costumes are banned from ever
being placed on my head in public again: Indian wigs, sombreros, bows, ties,
boxes, upside-down cups, inflatable balloon animals, traffic cones, or
bras. Also, what is with you making me take pictures with people I
clearly don't like when I'm sober, yet they suddenly become my best
friends when a flash is presented?
5. Beer Goggles: If I think I may know him/her from somewhere, I most
likely do not. Please do not request that I go over & see if in fact, I
do actually know that person. The phrase "Let's F***" is illegal from now
on. While I may be thinking this, please reinstate the brain-to-mouth-block
that would stop this thought from becoming a statement, specially in
public. Please stop me from talking to the guy/girl with the crooked
teeth, acned-up face, bad breath, beer belly, etc. Why are they so appealing to
me while I'm with you & why are they so disgusting to me the next morning
after you have worn off??
6. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting
ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in
order, but the 3 p.m. hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My
entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken
(water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to bed/passing out facedown on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily Saturday or Sunday (or any day for that matter) activities.
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like
to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great
stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion
when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order
to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances
above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later
than Thursday 3 p.m. (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully
we can continue this fruitful partnership.
Thank you, from your biggest fan.


Adrienne, SAHM to Aidan, 2/27/04
LOL...That is so funny! It got me to thinking of the last time I visited with my "friend" I actually have a pic! lol
It was right after a concert. I went to see the band "live" I think this is an example of #4. Don't put on make up after you have had a visit from you friend...you will NOT LOOK GOOD. LOL
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