Has anyone ever heard of this?
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| Tue, 10-17-2006 - 3:39pm |
When I was pregnant with my twins, and found out I was having identical girls, I was at a barbecue at my brother's house. My SIL (brother's wife) hates me for no reason, and always has. She's one of those people who makes veiled snide poisonous comments behind a smile. For example, Michael gave me a tennis bracelet for our anniversary one year, and I never take it off. She told me it was pretty, and then went on to say to my mom: "What would someone need a bracelet like THAT for?" Right in front of me and Michael! (And of course, my mom agrees with her!!). And when we moved into our house in 2000, she came to check it out. I'd chosen a pale sand color for the carpets. She said the carpets were nice and soft, but I was crazy to pick such a pale color with Matthew (he was our only kid then). Just mean stuff like that. So anyway, I was at this barbecue with her, and she put her hand on my pregnant stomach, and said "That's too bad they're identical twins. You know identical twins always get picked on and teased in school." It was such a hurtful comment that it has stayed with me for 3.5 years!!
Well, my mom called me up this morning, and began talking about when I was going to put the girls in preschool (they turned 3 last month). She loves my SIL to death, and is very close to her. She then went on to say to me "I hope you and Michael are going to put them in separate schools all the way through, because Chrissy says if you don't, they're going to get bullied and picked on." Of course we weren't planning on putting them in separate schools! I can't believe she just said that again, and told my mom, no less! Or maybe I *should* believe it, knowing how she is!! But again, I just felt so hurt, even though I know I shouldn't.
She upset me so much, I actually hung up the phone and started crying. I called Michael at work, and he was too busy to really talk, but told me just to blow it off, and why was I listening to a word she says? And he's right. I talked to him a little more about it when I went to have lunch with him at the hospital, and he said he doesn't think it's true, and Chrissy's just saying it to get under my skin and get my mom riled up as usual, and for me please not to give it a second thought. But of course, I can't let it go that easily. I don't have that ability, LOL!
Have any of you ever heard this? What has been your experience if you've known identical twins either now or growing up? Is this something I should know of, being the mom to identical twins, like common knowlege or something? I'm going to run this by my Twins' Club, but also thought I'd ask all of you wise mommies. I'm just feeling really hurt, and a little worried for my girls' future. I can't imagine that there would be anything more painful than having your precious kids picked on.
My SIL is so mean, and I've never done anything to her. I've come to discover that she's jealous of me, although she would never admit it. That's the general consensus amongst my sisters, anyway, and it seems to be the case. She never has anything nice to say to me. She tells my mom and brother, and the rest of my family that I think I'm too good for everyone, I'm a snob, my kids are spoiled, etc. At the same time, she's inappropriate with my DH, flirting with him to the point that about a year ago, he had to put a stop to it, and told her she needed help, and he is not one to confront people if he can help it, so it was really getting out of hand. And I'm about 99% sure she has cheated on my brother. I love my brother dearly, and I love my niece and nephew (their kids), but my SIL really gets under my skin. She knows my buttons (my kids and my husband) and likes to push them. And she gets my mom on her side against me, when I already have a tough relationship with my mom. . . I really try not to let her get to me, but today she did!!
:(
Sofia


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I am so sorry that you have a hard time with this SIL. If she were a guy you would call her a jerk, I guess she is a jerkette.
There are many twins in my family and in my husband's, some fraternal and some identical. If anything being a twin seems to bring its own sense of popularity. I have never heard of twins being teased. Usually other kids are very interested because it is different, but the interest is along the lines of "twins, that is awesome or cool."
Most of the sets of twins were together from kindergarten to grade 12 and lived in small communities. I have heard that sometimes twins are separated into 2 classes. My SIL has twins (boy and girl). They separated them in grade 2 because one twin had a stronger personality than the other and better verbal skills. The girl always answered for her brother and they wanted to give him some experiences without being in his twin sister's shadow. It worked well for the one year, but in other years they were in the same class with no problems.
They are 18 now and very close. They both tell me that it was no big deal because they hung around together at recess and walked to an from school together. However, the decision was not made lightly, it was to address a specific concern and it was made with parent and school input. They have told me that they drew strength from one another, knew how to share with someone els and play co-operatively because there were always more than one. They never were afraid of new experiences because they were never alone! They always had a buddy.
I know it can be hard to confront people, but have you ever sat down with SIL and told here what you would and would not tolerate in behaviour from her? She sounds very "poisonous" and you shouldn't have to put up with her or her comments. I know there are times you get thrown together with people, but can you limit contact with her otherwise.
I have a family member who is extremely hurtful and I finally made the decision just not to have any more family events, or even hours of my life ruined by this person. I don't argue, I just announce that I am leaving. Your feelings are as important as hers. Now I live far away and this person is too far away to bother me.
Any way do what is best for you and your children. But there is no law saying that you have to be a door mat or a helpless victim in your sil's games. It doesn't make you mean to protect yourself. People can hurt us by their words- it is emotional abuse and bullying and just as violent and stressful as physical abuse.
all the best
Tina
People feel threatened by those that have convictions and support them.
Amyway, thanks for the loukoumades recipe. I have some good recipes someday i will post. LIke pastichio, etc...
Sorry she is such a poopy and i know you care for your brother, but, he made his choices don't pay any attention to it. I don't know about the flirting part it seems over the top, maybe she has a real dissorder, mentally i mean?
arie
What a crock of crap! Your SIL's obviously just trying to cause problems for you. I wouldn't pay any attention to her. I think even if they did encounter some teasing (most kids do, after all) the benefits of being with each other will make it all worth it. I don't think they'll be teased about being twins any more than so-n-so will be teased because of this or that, kwim? I definitely wouldn't separate them into different schools. I know my twins are comforted with the fact that they will see each other at recess, which makes the separation in class much easier for them. Even though they've made friends in class, they still play with each other in some way or another at recess. If your girls are extremely close, I would even look into having them in the same class together for the first year or so, but that's up to you.
Erin
Three little words..
Thanks SO MUCH all of you for your kind words, loving support and making me feel better about my baby girls not being persecuted for being identical twins! WHEW!! Some moms from my Twins' Club also emailed me with the same response, that they'd never heard of that and didn't think I needed to worry.
I would love to see my girls in the same class for kindergarten, just because they're soooo bonded, and it might make their transition into elementary school easier, but Michael thinks it might do them good to be in different classes (NOT different schools!) just to learn to make friends and gain independence from one another on their own.
As for my SIL. . . Well, I think you are all right about everything you say about her. And yes, we have confronted her in the past, but to no avail.
Thanks again!!
Sofia
Hi Sofia!
About twins...my birthmother is an identical twin and she said that it was tough to be compared to her sister (sis was "smarter" and she was "prettier", whatever, right?). They were also raised several decades ago and parenting is a much different role today. Good parents encourage their children's strengths. I suppose your girls will be compared to each other in school and in various social situations. Like most things, I'm sure there are pros and cons to being a twin. Your girls are lucky that you're such good parents that you'll prevent situations that could hurt them and take notice when things don't seem right.
About your SIL, she's sad, sad, sad and obviously quite envious most aspects of your life. I suggest you do as I've been advised (I also have a few issues with people to sort through, I'll be using this tactic in the very near future)...kill her with sugar coated kindness while calling her on what you think her biggest problem/weakness is. Example (in the sweetest voice possible): "I'm so sorry you're having trouble with . It seems like you're very angry about that and it really shows when you make comments about Michael and I. We're so happy and are doing so well right now that it makes me sad to see that you're so obviously not."
LOL, she won't know what hit her! Good luck any way you go...being defensive and talking about it just taps out a lot of energy that she doesn't deserve. Have a great weekend!
~Michelle
Surfnsand-
First of all, I just want to tell you how awful it is that you have to put up with this kind of bull-poopie. Not only from your evil, jealous, mean spirited sil, but you mom too? I had a sil who tore our whole family apart. She was jealous of the relationship my brother and I had and because of that we (my brother and I) did not speak for well over a year. He saw the light, dropped her like a hot potatoe and is now re-married to his 8th grade sweetheart and is the proud poppa of a beautiful baby girl. My heart really goes out to you.
Anyway, I have to admit I did not read every single reply here but, I just wanted to voice my opinion. While I am not an identical twin, I am a twin. When we (my sissy and me) first started school we were put in pre-k where I went in the morning and she went in the afternoon. WE HATED IT!!! We were each others best friends. It wasn't until a little later on, my sister has a learinng disability, that we were seperated only by a year but, but were always in the same school. I think seperating your girls would only be hurtung them, in the long run but, my suggestion to you is this: You and your husband are the parents here. Not her. Not you mom. You 2 do what you feel is right for your girls. If they want to be seperated, later on, as I was told my mom who is a twin also, they will let you know. Of course you want to make sure that they know and everybody else knows that they are 2 different people but as far as school........I wouldn't seperate them.
JMO- Meghan
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