having hard time connecting with hubby

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
having hard time connecting with hubby
28
Mon, 04-04-2005 - 7:38pm

Hi everyone,

I am new to this board, and I am looking for a place to vent. I am having such a hard time connecting with my husband. I stay at home and he works from home. He is starting his own business, and that is all he thinks and worries about. He is a wonderful father, but not such an attentive husband. I feel like when I try to talk to him about things that effect me, he just sortof nods his head, and stares at me. I feel like he doesn't even want to understand me. He is so consumed with his new business, and I feel like all I do is cook, clean and chase my two little boys around (4 & 1.) I know starting a business is "all consuming," but I need to feel like I am important, too. It's almost as if we are so polorized from each other. I find it so hard to really tell him how I feel. I just clam up. He won't go to counseling with me, one, because he doesn't really believe in it, and two, we simply can't afford it right now.

Thanks for reading, I just needed to vent. JD

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2004
Mon, 04-04-2005 - 8:03pm

Big ((Hugs)) JD.


I am sorry to hear about your troubles. Now I am the assertive type so I would just demand that my Dh at least have the

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2004
Mon, 04-04-2005 - 8:46pm

I think I am going to running around the house naked tonight...lol.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Mon, 04-04-2005 - 8:49pm

(((((((((hugs))))))))))
I don't have much advice, because it

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2004
Mon, 04-04-2005 - 9:02pm
LOL...Let us know how it goes Shannon...Be glad baseball is overwith!!!


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2005
Mon, 04-04-2005 - 9:54pm

JD

I can understand some parts of what you are going through. My Dh and I also have moments of hard times.. He too is a fantastic father but sometimes I feel like after working sometimes 12-14 hours a day 6 days a week and coming home to pay attention to our 9 week old, I am the one that cooks his dinner and gets things ready for another day, ad he has no more time for me. He tries, and I try.. but sometimes not at the same time. The key is patience and you have to talk to him... Its hard sometimes, but you have to step up once in a while since they are in a different world than we are.

good Luck

Joni
Mommy to
Mackenzie Layne (aka Roo)
01/28/05

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2004
Mon, 04-04-2005 - 10:06pm
After having kids it is a challenge to keep that spark. Now your dh is very busy as are you with the kids and it just makes it that much more difficult. It sounds like y'all need a date night to reconnect. You need to get him alone and explain how neglected you feel and that it has an effect on all aspects of your life. I hope he is open to listening to you and that he will respond in a positive manner. Good luck and feel free to vent here anytime!
Lilypie First Birthday tickers
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2004
Tue, 04-05-2005 - 8:20pm

I know I'm kinda late in posting, but I have to agree with Traci...I'm the assertive type, too...I just say what I expect and the world in my house will be very unhappy if I'm not heard. I have to admit..after reading some posts from the past few weeks, I see now that my dh is much more helpful than I sometimes admit him to be and I see that some have dh's that are pure neanderthals. I couldn't take that. I wouldn't have been with someone like that in the first place, but if I had somehow ended up with one, I wouldn't have lasted with them.

As far as starting a business, it does take every inch of their life. I was married before my dh now and my 1st started a business. It was all business all the time. In fact, the business was in part the cause of our breakup plus that we shouldn't have been married to begin with. But my point was that it was all about him all the time, not about US. If it benefitted HIM in some way, ok, he'd do it, but if not, well...no time for that b/c there is the business. I told my dh now before I married him...I will not get married if I think you want to ever start a business, and I was serious. It is the kind of thing that you will either have to step back and let him go full force for about 3 years (no, not kidding, that's how long it takes to make any kind of profit) and sacrifice yourself for that or you will have to speak up very loudy very often and like some ladies mentioned...demand a set of work rules like hours and date nights and get a sitter sometimes, etc. Your marriage can really suffer when there is a private business involved. It is all consuming. I was told by many many many men that a man's work is how he defines himself..that if he can't provide well for his family, he feels worthless. Now, I don't get that, BUT I'm not a man...so from a man's perspective, he will put all his life energy into this thing b/c he thinks he has to in order to be successful by his definition. What the man misses is that, from the perspective of his FAMILY, he is not available...it's not that they are sitting back thinking..oh, he's so wonderful and successful b/c his business is taking off and he's putting every waking moment into it and committing to it like that...what the man's family is REALLY thinking is how YOU feel...that they are being neglected and that the business and the man's defining himself by his work is more important to him. Let me just say this one last thing, and I'll get off my soap box...I told my 1st...a man can have his work and his family...if he puts his family first, he can have both. If he puts his work before his family...well, he'll probably end up just having one of those things (in some way or other...divorce, relationship not the same, living like roomates instead of husband/wife)...now, which one do you think he'll still have? And guess what? My own ex-MIL agreed with ME on that one...now that's saying something.

I hope you are able to get the message accross to your dh...I'm sure he's a great father and husband, but a business can change a person dramatically...they can forget easily what's important all too soon. I hope that will not be the case with yours. And, like me, I hope you feel really good about coming here and venting anytime, b/c even though I'm probably about to go back to work, coming here and venting about SAH has been something I needed for a long time now. I feel comforatable talking to these ladies, and hope you will, too.

Debbie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Fri, 04-08-2005 - 3:47pm
Thank you for your kind message. It is nice to know there are people out there who understand what I am going through. It is so hard for me, and I feel like I am on the verge of tears all the time. Thank you for reading my note and responding. It made me feel not so alone. Love, JD
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2003
Sat, 04-09-2005 - 12:45pm

Wow...when I read your message I had to check to make sure I hadn't written it...I totally understand what you're saying.

I too have a DH who owns his own company and works out of our home. I basically never see him or talk to him. I also have two kids, DS (3.5) and DD (8 months).

I understand so much of what you're saying about not feeling connected. My Dh eats, sleep and breathes work. Sometimes it's really frustrating. He doesn't really have a clue what's going on with me even though we are always in the same house.

I have a terrible time talking to my DH about anything. I feel like he's so distracted that he can't deal with what I'm telling him. He gets really frustrated with me too when I do talk to him. I too feel like all I do is cook, clean and care for kids...which is really all I do. I used to be more involved with things like church but I got really tired of doing everything by myself and hauling my kids with me everywhere I go.

Anyhow, I understand and hope that you take the chance to be brave and tell him how you feel either in person or on paper. He needs to know even if his response isn't what you want or need.

*Hugs*

jenfa

Lilypie 1st Birthday Ticker
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Sat, 04-09-2005 - 7:57pm

Thank you so much for responding to my message. I really appreciate it. I feel so alone at times, and I feel like there is nothing else to talk about but his business. I am just floating along, living in this house with him. Almost like a roomate. It is terrible. It's nice to know someone understands and that I can share my thoughts. What do you do about it? Do you share it with your husband? Thanks. Hope to hear soon.

Hugs, JD

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