having hard time connecting with hubby

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
having hard time connecting with hubby
28
Mon, 04-04-2005 - 7:38pm

Hi everyone,

I am new to this board, and I am looking for a place to vent. I am having such a hard time connecting with my husband. I stay at home and he works from home. He is starting his own business, and that is all he thinks and worries about. He is a wonderful father, but not such an attentive husband. I feel like when I try to talk to him about things that effect me, he just sortof nods his head, and stares at me. I feel like he doesn't even want to understand me. He is so consumed with his new business, and I feel like all I do is cook, clean and chase my two little boys around (4 & 1.) I know starting a business is "all consuming," but I need to feel like I am important, too. It's almost as if we are so polorized from each other. I find it so hard to really tell him how I feel. I just clam up. He won't go to counseling with me, one, because he doesn't really believe in it, and two, we simply can't afford it right now.

Thanks for reading, I just needed to vent. JD

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2003
Sun, 04-10-2005 - 9:09am

Yes, alot of times all we talk about is business and you know, generally that's ok. I guess my struggle comes in when I start to feel like that is all that matter, like that's the most important thing. Though I grant you that it's very important there is more to life than great business ideas.

Yes it often feels like we are just roommates. I hate that feeling and tend to get kind of resentful after a while if things continue in the roommate rut. I'm pretty bad at communicating with my husband. He's a lot more assertive and opinionated than I am. I kind of go along with things until I'm good and irritated about something...it's not pretty.

I do try to to clearly communicate as best I can when he is available because it doesn't happen very often. It usually takes a long time for him to unwind at night since work and personal life exist in the same 3000 square feet of house. Sometimes I wish he worked in another building to try to separate these things a little, but who knows. I don't know if it would really be any different or not.

I certainly don't want things to be like this with my DH. He's a good man and he means well but is basically consumed by his business...ironically it's not about the money but the success of it all.

But anyhow, how often are you able to do things with you DH? Does he take much time off?
What do you do when you have time together?

jenfa

Lilypie 1st Birthday Ticker
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Sun, 04-10-2005 - 7:50pm

We usually don't do much exept watch tv together. We don't go out much because he doesn't want to spend any money. We are using up all our savings for this business, and it is depleting quickly. It is very tough. Even though it costs money to do things, and it's sometimes better not to, it is also very healthy for our marriage to get out of the house and away from the kids. Atleast for me. My husband is a homebody. He doesn't need much of anything. (so he says.)

We get a babysitter every so often, when we used to have her every weekend. Now I am so uncomfortable to go out, because all I am thinking about is how much money we are spending. He is very tight. Last night we went to a movie and it was it took all his effort to give me money for licorice. It leaves me feeling like a child, and very resentful. It's my fault, too, because I don't stick up for myself. It is very hard for me. You and I sound a lot alike. My husband is very assertive and confident. Everything is an argument. I am so sensitive, and have some deep resentment, that I take everything the wrong way.

Anyways, enough of my babbling. THank you again for your support. It feels so good to get this off my chest.

Love, JD

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Sun, 04-10-2005 - 7:54pm

Traci, thank you for your support. I am still trying to figure out how to navigate on this message board. Hopefully, I didn't already respond to you. I am just feeling so sad about my life these days. I just always wish I could be someone else for a day. By that I mean, I wish I could be more assertive and speak my mind without worring so much about everyone elses feelings. Especially my husbands. I just want the respect and devotion from him. We are very polorized from each other.

Thank you again for letting me vent.

Hope you had a great weekend. I saw a great movie. FEVER PITCH It was absolutly adorable. Just what I needed.

Love, Jolie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Sun, 04-10-2005 - 7:55pm
HUH?? Not quite sure if you responded to the right message. Hope you had fun running around naked.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Sun, 04-10-2005 - 7:56pm
Thanks! I really appreciate it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Sun, 04-10-2005 - 7:59pm

Joni,

Thank you for the advice. I really appreciate it. It's nice to know people are out there who understand me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2004
Sun, 04-10-2005 - 8:06pm
mommybeetx wrote...I would speak up, shout, run naked or whatever I needed to get his full attention. My response was to this.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2003
Mon, 04-11-2005 - 7:52am

Wow...It sounds like things are pretty difficult for you. It certainly sounds like your husband is quite absorbed in his business and not recognizing the needs of his family all that much. It's important to do things that each other likes even if the other doesn't like it all that much. It's part of being friends to each other. I would think that if you're careful about planning an inexpensive evening out that you certianly ought to be able to occasionally. It is good to spend time together without kids once in a while. Even if your husband is a homebody, it is important to do things that you like too...it's part of sharing, cooperating in the interests of others.

It's not surprising that you feel a lot of resentment about things with your DH. It sounds like he doesn't trust you much with the money and doesn't leave much room for your thoughts and feelings about things. I find it terribly hard to stick up for myself and assert my ideas and opinions about things but usually when I do it's worth it even if it results in temporary unpleasantness. I would encourage you to speak to him about what bothers you as non-judgementally as you can, as clearly as you can. "You know this really bothers me, can we talk about it?" "I'm really troubled by the way this is going"...

It's true that you need to take responsibility for how you feel, for your frustrations, for your needs. He's not going to figure things out on his own. I'm assuming that he doesn't want things to be bad between you both either...both for you and your children.

Take heart...these issues take time to sort out and like everything else in life it takes practice to overcome bad habits or to change/learn things. I'm sure you are doing the very best that you can.

jenfa

Lilypie 1st Birthday Ticker
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Mon, 04-11-2005 - 8:31am
JD,

I hope you are feeling better about things :)
Been thinking about you.
((((((((hugs))))))))))

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Tue, 04-12-2005 - 8:16pm
gotcha.