having hard time connecting with hubby

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
having hard time connecting with hubby
28
Mon, 04-04-2005 - 7:38pm

Hi everyone,

I am new to this board, and I am looking for a place to vent. I am having such a hard time connecting with my husband. I stay at home and he works from home. He is starting his own business, and that is all he thinks and worries about. He is a wonderful father, but not such an attentive husband. I feel like when I try to talk to him about things that effect me, he just sortof nods his head, and stares at me. I feel like he doesn't even want to understand me. He is so consumed with his new business, and I feel like all I do is cook, clean and chase my two little boys around (4 & 1.) I know starting a business is "all consuming," but I need to feel like I am important, too. It's almost as if we are so polorized from each other. I find it so hard to really tell him how I feel. I just clam up. He won't go to counseling with me, one, because he doesn't really believe in it, and two, we simply can't afford it right now.

Thanks for reading, I just needed to vent. JD

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2003
Sat, 04-16-2005 - 8:37am

Hey JD,

Was just wondering how you're doing? How are things going for you?

Hope things are improving for you and DH.

jenfa

Lilypie 1st Birthday Ticker
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Sat, 04-16-2005 - 8:51am

Thank you so much for thinking about me. I really appreciate it. THings are pretty much the same . Very stressful, and I just need to learn how to defend myself better. Sometimes he can be a bully. I am way too sensitive. The mixture of those two things can be like oil and water. We need to put together a budget and figure it out together. The only thing is that I don't feel like we are partners. I feel like a little girl asking her father permission to do things. I am a 34 year old woman. It's pretty humiliating to the soul.

Anyways, enough of my ranting. How are you? Hope all is well in your home. By the way, what does "DH" stand for. I think I know, but I am not sure. Thanks again for your sweet thoughts.

Love, Jolie

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2003
Sat, 04-16-2005 - 10:24am

Hi Jolie,

Sounds like things are pretty challenging for you. It sounds like there's a whole host of issues that have cause you and your husband to be where you are now. What was he like when you married him? What has changed both in him and yourself? Do you have good times or it is pretty consistently as you've described?

I know it's really hard to share things with someone who is disinterested/insensitive or generally absent. Does your husband think that there are problems in your marriage? If so, does he want things to change?

Obviously nothing will replace your marriage relationship but are you involved with other people family/friends/church/etc? It does help to be around 'safe' people where you can practice being confident and putting your feelings and opinions out there. It's good to have that connection to gain the ability to deal with other challenges.

I really do hope that you and your husband can work through the issues that have brought on so much heartache to your relationship. It can make every day seem forever and so lonely when things are bad.

*DH* stands for dear husband.

Take care,
Jen

Lilypie 1st Birthday Ticker
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2004
Sat, 04-16-2005 - 2:04pm

Jen,


I just wanted to tell you that you are so sweet! I was hoping someone could give her some btdt advice and you did it in a way that was understanding and helpful!!


((BIG HUGS))) to you both!


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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2003
Fri, 04-22-2005 - 4:13pm

Hi Jolie,

How are you doing? Just thought I'd check in with you. Haven't heard much in a while. How are your boys? Hope you are doing alright.

Jen

Lilypie 1st Birthday Ticker
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2003
Fri, 04-22-2005 - 4:24pm

Jolie,

Here's my email addy if you want to write sometime. swingdancin@lycos.com

Jen




Edited 4/22/2005 4:26 pm ET ET by jenfa80
Lilypie 1st Birthday Ticker
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Sat, 04-30-2005 - 12:21pm

Hi there,

Sorry I havent' checked in in a while. THings have been very crazy around here. My son broke his leg, and he will be in a cast for 4 weeks. I am so upset about it, but he is so brave. He handles things a lot better than I do, and he is only 4years old. He's amazing, and I sometimes wonder how he became so smart. Things are pretty much the same around here. I will write more later. My husband is about to walk in. I am trying to speak my mind more, but it is so hard for me. I get the worst anxiety when I need to approach him about my feelings. It sucks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2003
Mon, 05-02-2005 - 8:32am

Hi Jolie,

Glad to hear from you. Hadn't seen you around for a while so I've been wondering about you.

Sorry to hear about your son's leg. That's too bad. That's great that he's handling it so well. Kids are pretty gosh-darn resilient. It's amazing. They are not so jaded by life yet which is wonderful.

It's good that you're trying to speak up to your husband. Speaking to him about your feelings and thoughts with kindness and respect will likely be a very good thing. Obviously it'll take alot of determination on your part and probably a good deal of disappointment too. The outcome will be worth it.

It's pretty hard to put yourself on the line and take the chance but that's what living is. Taking chances. That of course doesn't mean that just take whatever chances come along without considering the risks. Having good communication with DH seems like something worth fighting pretty hard for.

Does your DH ever say anything about your relationship or about wanting things to be different/better? I'm interested in his perspective on your relationship.

**Hugs** glad you came and checked in.

jenfa

Lilypie 1st Birthday Ticker

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