he doesn't see "value" of stay@home mom
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| Fri, 07-16-2004 - 11:53pm |
He's a super man who I know wants me to be happy and even more would want the best for our children. He's also got the engineering type mind and wants to see statistics on kids w/stay at home vs daycare. I don't believe a person you hired or dropped them off at would be as loving, patient, and caring as i would be, that I live moderately and am willng to cut back (I have an 9 year old car, own my home, money in the bank, etc and although my past financial history might not be stellar, it's been improving).
i could go on and on. It's hard talking about all this stuff. it's also hard to believe that people get married without doing so. Anyway, bottom line, please share with me your experience with deciding on stay at home mom, helping/educating men who didn't understand the value at first, and any books on statistics on children who have been raised in the different settings.
He's a wonderful man and so open to talking about htings and working thru them. I feel rather passionate and emotional about this topic so need to find a way to be more rational and calm and with the kind of guy he is, statistics and real stories would be of benefit.
Thanks in advance,
~Alice

Hi Alice,
I just wanted to share my experience with you....
Luckily my DH was pretty much supportive about me staying at home with our son.
here are the advantages to my kids as i see it because i stay at home. if i were to work outside my house, there is no way my kids would be doing what they do..
my girls are dancers ( mostly ballet). the youngest are 8 and 7 and both in a dance company. they travel all over our state performing and competing and they are awesome little dancers, and they love it..
they both play piano , and very well i may add. our lessons are at 2:30 in the afternoon.
they both participate in our local librarys reading times. they get to read to the preschool aged children and at times perform their dance for them also
they are attending a summer dance program during the day to enhance their dance skills.
they just completed a 4 week swim course at a local pool.
and guess what.... i am NOT missing any of this, and nor are they. because i stay at home with them. i have the time to take them to what ever it is they want to do, and i get to see what they are doing, i get to see and meet the kids they are "socializing " with. ask him this..... why does he want kids??????????????????? and see what his response is.. in my mind, raising kids isnt an after 5 and weekend job... kids need their parents around more so then any one will ever admit to.. i have a theory about why things are going the way they are with a teens and youth lately...... and i get slammed alot for saying it, but something has changed in our world, and i honestly believe it is day care that has changed it...... our kids are not like they were in the 50s and 60s..... when most moms stayed home. our kids are being raised by others , and not by their parents, and when they are old enough, are raising themselves til mom or dad gets home from work...so if we take a long hard look at society.. i think we can probably figure out pretty quick the big change in our country... money isnt every thing.... finding ourselves isnt everything.. but raising our kids is....
After a day of shopping and me being away from home all day long.
He never said it again. He couldnt handle one day with the kids and all that has to be done around the house.
Sometimes I think they believe dinner and dishes and clean clothes for them to go to work the next day, gets done by themselves. We have nothing to do with it.lol.
Until they walk a day (is usually all it takes) they really dont know what they are talking about.
BTW, my dh thinks I am superwoman now, b/c I do it with 5 at home and 1 on the way, he knows its hard and I can tell he appreciates me for all that I do..
Good luck to you and your future family
Cyndi
I became a SAHM in May of this year, when my son was about 5 months old. Up until that point, I worked from home 100% and took care of our son at the same time (very crazy, wouldn't recommend it). Until I became pregnant, I looked at the whole daycare issue more from a distance and thought I'd easily be able to put my child into daycare once I had a child. However, that viewpoint changed once I was actually pregnant. I could not bring myself to even consider it as a possibility. Fortunately, my husband let me make the decision about how we would handle our son's care, and he was in agreement with whatever I wanted to do (and now feels that having me home with our son is much better than sending him to daycare).
I got my BA in Child Development and also an Elementary Teaching Credential about 4 years ago. As far as what I learned about daycare vs. at-home-care for toddlers, there weren't many proven major differences in how children turn out in the long-run, except that toddlers who had attended daycare behaved in a more social manner in the presence of other children (probably due to having experience). But in my opinion, a SAHM could supplement those experiences by doing social activities with their kids (ie. activities that involve other children) and sending them to preschool. In terms of the differences between babies in daycare and babies raised at home, there were some differences in attachment behavior for some children (this, again, was according to research we learned about four years ago- there have probably been some additions to it by then). Babies (I think the age was something like birth to age one) who were sent to daycare fulltime exhibited more forms of attachment problems (see: http://www.personalityresearch.org/attachment.html) than did children who were raised at home. It is thought that early parental bonding influences the type of attachment behavior one exhibits for the rest of their life.
My son had terrible colic when he was born and into the fifth month. If I had put him in daycare, I'm 100% certain he would have been left to cry much of the time..and my friend, who worked in daycare for years, has told me this is normally the case for children with colic.
Additionally, before I quit my job, neither my husband nor I had time to do any housework, cooking, or anything of that nature. Now that I stay home, there is enough time for the things we normally did before the birth of our son.
And I also agree with the other things the other posters mentioned. There are so many benefits to staying home (that is, when you want to do so- I realize that some moms don't actually want to do it) that it's never not worth it.
Gotta run- good luck in your persuasion!
Gage, 11/27
First I wanted to say Welcome!
Here is my 2cents.....
First I wanted to address the socialization issue. Like one of the above posts, I am a homeschooling mom. We are Christians but do not homeschool because of this. My first thoughts of homeschooling were when I started observing other children around me.
We lived in a very nice gated apartment community when my youngest son was born. By the way the children were speaking and interacting with one another you would think we were in a stereotypical housing project! I overheard a 5 year old girl on the playground explaining to her 7 year old friend how she was told by a boy at school the finer points of performing fellatio!
Of course I was shocked, but what also struck me was just the plain aggressiveness of the children in general. To keep my ds safe I had to stay away from the playgrounds when other school age children were there. There was a uniform lack of supervision to all of the children around us. These were parents with "professional" jobs so In my mind then I thought that money meant polite kids, and better behaved kids. I find that it does not matter anymore what type of neighborhood you live in anymore, there is a general lack of morals and values. I did not want my child to be "socialized" in this way!
Now I am not saying you need to homeschool, my point was what is socialization in this day and age, if it is going to harm your children? When your children are at daycare, you do not know the background of every child your children will be "socialized" with. You do not know what they are saying or doing, or what kind of long term influence they are going to have on your child. If you are home with your children during their younger years, imagine the confidence and power you could give your child to take on the things they will run into when they do enter school.
Why do people always think that children can only get socialization at school? As an adult do we only interact with people our age? I think that would be pretty difficult in a working environment...lol! My children socialize with museum workers, the waitress at our favorite restaurant...ect.
I also wanted to give you a prospective of someone who was a preschool teacher. Before my first son was born I was a preschool Teacher for many years. When my youngest was 4 months old I went back to work when the company my husband worked for went bankrupt. I knew the women who would care for my son so I felt comfortable with that. My little one was a very high needs baby, and I was still breastfeeding. The job was wonderful. They would bring my son to me for feeding and he would stay with me while the children had their rest time. It was a pretty ideal situation. Except for when we went home! Home life became so stressful with my little one, crying was becoming a daily thing with me. My little one would be perfectly content at daycare. I spied on him numerous times since they had these great one way mirrors. When we got home though he would scream and scream and scream. It is because he felt this was the only way to get my attention. I truly belive that children in daycare feel they need to fight for the adults attention. Most children up to age two are not very interested in other children, but they are extremely interested in their adult caregivers attention!
In my own pre-k class the children were very demanding of me. They needed constant approval on the smallest of things. There was a constant barrage of "When will mommy get here?", "When is daddy coming?" I know that I was an excellent Teacher and I always had great empathy for the children and always tried to ease their fears. It did not matter how happy and fun I made my class, they ALL just wanted to go home!! Now I will tell you that I saw a big difference in the children who were part time and went home around 1:00. They seemed more content and secure that they were getting picked up. If you ever were to observe a group of daycare 2 year olds outside you would see that most walk around in this sort of zombie state. It really is very sad to see!
I ended up leaving my job when my youngest ds was about 1 1/2 ish. My Dh and I took a good look at our finances and realized it actually cost us more for me to work. Clothing and lunches not to mention gas, really add up!
My younger ds now is doing better but I can't help but notice the differences in him and my oldest. My oldest is confident, and completely secure in his parents devotion to him. He is independent and explores in confidence. My little one is very clingy and still has a lot of problems when I am out of his sight. Now I know that each child is different and unique, but I truly belive that some of the issues my youngest has are a direct connection to his early years in daycare.
Your fiance sounds a lot like my step-father...lol! We were made to read the manuals just to use the remote controls when I was a teen! lol
Here are a few websites you might refer him to....
Parents place has a stay at home...work debate!
http://www.babycenter.com/refcap/baby/babywork/453.html
http://www.kidssource.com/kidssource/content2/infant_day_care.html
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He truly does want the best for me and a family. I am most grateful that we took the advice of talking about things before marriage. We are reading thru a great book - Gottman's "the 7 principles for making marriage work" and have discussion dates on sundays to talk about these sort of issues. Finances are on the agenda for tomorrow's discussion relating to stay at home stuff.
The thoughts of you caring for your teething babies and children wondering daily when their mom or dad would come get them filled my eyes with tears. What incredible images of reality.
I am no expert on life, though have had an array of experiences and want to share 2 things that have become stronger in my heart after considering this whole children thing:
1. to thine own self be true (shakespeare). It's best that I be honest and live my life in accordance with what i believe. Not only would I be uneasy living a life that inside i thought was the wrong choice for me (giving my baby/child to someone else to care for), but also the child would sense that and it must have lasting effects on them
2. I was with my dad as he died and spent many hours sitting by his side on his "death bed". Ever since then when making certain decisions, I've considered when I come to the end of my life, which decision would have given me more peace and purpose. Hands down, making financial sacrifices and the commitment to rasing children I am sure will out-way cute outfits, fancy cars, etc. (not sure about the less frequent bubble baths and naps though... :>
Again, I could go on and on. I appreciate knowing that you are an audience that understands and has walked before me.
Hats off to you ladies!
~Alice
Having a husband that supports you as a stay at home mom is VERY important. I have seen relationships suffer over this. I got married at 24 and although we DID talk about having children (how many) we did not talk about how they would be cared for. My dh has a mom that was a SAHM and my mom went back to work when I was just 2 WEEKS old! She always worked. I hated it...growing up taking 2nd (or 3rd/4th) place with my mom.
When our first son was born my dh wanted me to give my notice that I wouldn't be returning. I loved working but just couldn't give the care of my infant/child to someone else. The first year was hard because yes, you are kind of cut off from the outside world but if you get out and meet others friendships will follow.
But IMHO to be truly happy as a SAHM you need SUPPORT from a dh that also believes it is the best thing. I've been home for 7 years now and even though some days I WISH I had a job just to escape I wouldn't trade it for anything. Welcome to the board. Sam
I just loved your post so much! I couldn't agree more.
Thanks again for your posts and support. What a great resource this is.
~Alice
If your financial situation allows it and it is something you want to do, go for it. But it does mean cutting back on things. I also think that your DH might be scared of having the entire burden of supporting your family rest squarely on his shoulders. I would suggest doing what we did, which is make a "pretend" decision. While I was pregnant we lived on just DH's income for three months to see if it was something we could do.
Good luck either way,
Malin