HELP! can i call friend who's a dad now?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
HELP! can i call friend who's a dad now?
10
Tue, 12-07-2004 - 1:43pm

please offer me your 2 cents.
 Katrina
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
Tue, 12-07-2004 - 9:11pm

I would not contact him at all, either by phone or by mail, for two reasons:

1) For whatever reason, he is not comfortable being in contact with you. You should respect his feelings and honor his unexpressed wishes (I say "unexpressed" because you said that you were pretty sure that he feels this way, even though he has not come out and said it.) It seems like he is being considerate of your feelings by not saying anything to hurt you, therefore you should be considerate of his feelings and not pressure him for contact.

2) You also should respect his wife. I would feel uncomfortable if my husband's old girlfriend called him (I know you said that you never dated, but she still may not be comfortable with your relationship). You don't want to be "That Woman" who just can't let go.

I know that it's sad when friendships don't last, but in the best interest of everyone involved, I think that this one should end. Good luck with your decision.

Paige

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Tue, 12-07-2004 - 10:45pm
I tink this might be the ned of the relationship.
It is clear he does not want it to go on. Maybe he does not feel comfortable with it any longer.
I had this happen a few years ago. A friend of mine of many many years stopped being my friend due to me having my first son and being married.
It was hard, but meant to be.
Good luck.





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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Tue, 12-07-2004 - 11:56pm

Yeah, I kinda know how most family people feel. That it's not right to keep in touch even through Xmas card once a year.


We were so extremely close for so long. Best friends truly. For

 Katrina
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2003
Wed, 12-08-2004 - 3:18am

It is a tough spot to be in, when you have to let go of the past... but I think he has done it already, and you should do it to! I KNOW it is hard...I have been there (to an extent, but that's a whole other story!!!)

He is obviously uncomforatable with communication with you, and as you said, he views you as an "ex" and you don't see your past history as that. But he does. Let it slide, and drift away, as all other past "friendships" have!

Focus on your future, and not what was in the past!!!

Best of luck to you!

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Registered: 07-24-2003
Wed, 12-08-2004 - 9:15am

Yes, I know that starting a family means starting a new life-- w/o sentimentality about the past b/c the past is so unimportant to the present & future (especially now that I'm happily married for over 3 yrs. & even more so - once we have our first child next year).


I guess I am sentimental. I don't keep objects but I wanted to keep a fragment of the people that mattered in my life. I thought exchanging Xmas cards would be a way to cheerfully mesh my past life (11 yrs. of youthful happy best friendship) with my present life.


Once I took my husband's name & moved to CA from NYC, I felt like I gave up so much of my life before marriage. Like I really had to shed it so entirely. Sometimes that feel liberating but other times I like to know I still have some things from my first 30 yrs! I'm proud of myself of what I accomplished when it was just me.


But.... whatever. His wife doesn't want to hear a peep from me - the "ex-girlfriend" - in her eyes.


If that's how she sees it- I understand.


I do get it.


 Katrina
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2004
Wed, 12-08-2004 - 11:42am

Katrina,


I have sort of a different view on this. This person is obviously someone who shared a BIG part of your life...almost a decade! That is huge to me. If it were me, I might just send one Christmas card and see the response to it. I would make sure to address it to

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2004
Wed, 12-08-2004 - 1:04pm

I agree with what the other posters said about accepting that the friendship may be over and about moving on yourself ... your feelings are either not returned or your friend is respecting his wife's preferences. Perhaps he had more feelings for you than you knew ... and she is threatened by that. Or he is. Whatever.

But I agree with Tracy ... I don't think there is any harm in sending a card addressed to the whole family ... it sounds like your intentions toward him and for renewing the friendship are completely honest, whatever his spouse believes. Maybe you could send a photo of you AND your DH. Emphasize that you are a happy couple, if you think that might help. (?)

Whether the holiday greeting is reciprocated or not ... YOU are leaving the door open. Not making demands, not trying to cause problems ... just saying indirectly what you have told us. That you would welcome some connection, however minimal. His wife can rip it up if she wants. So what? There is a lot you don't know, so you can't interpret the behavior. By leaving the door open on your end, they won't have to wonder if you would welcome their contact after a long abscence should they change their mind. And if the marriage should end (if she is insecure, maybe his discomfort is more about the state of his own marriage -- you never know), perhaps your friend would be glad that he could contact you ... you wouldn't hope for trouble like that, of course, but these things happen. You don't want to make him uncomfortable or appear clingy, but a holiday greeting is hardly that. I think it sends your messsage -- "I'm here" ... so why not?

I guess I have lost touch with a few people ... that I might like to renew contact with ... but I refrain because of the long abscence. And I think that's kind of sad. So that's where I'm coming from when I recommend that you leave the door open on your end.

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Registered: 07-24-2003
Wed, 12-08-2004 - 11:09pm

 Katrina
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 12-09-2004 - 11:46am
True. After 5 yrs., maybe he began to love me less b/c he resented my choice to be independent. MY GUESS IS THAT THIS 'LOVE' YOU TALK ABOUT MIGHT NOT HAVE BEEN PLATONIC IN *HIS* EYES. Maybe he resents that I never fell 'in love' w/ him but I did w/ others. YOU ANSWERED MY QUESTION... He didn't get that he meant more to me even when I was in those romantic relationships. He was my best friend & I cared more about that than anyone. PERHAPS HE DIDN'T WANT A 'FRIEND' BUT A LIFE PARTNER AND YOU SHOT HIM DOWN... HE SOUGHT SOMEONE WHO DOES AND YOU HAVE BEEN LEFT TO THE SIDE. I THINK FOR YOUR OWN RESPECT OF SELF, I'D LEAVE IT GO. HIS REJECTION SPEAKS VOLUMES...
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Fri, 12-10-2004 - 12:11pm

Yes, he may have married me if I'd been intersted. That's not relevant.


It's silly to say: I was "rejected" or "left by the side". That's mean & not at all reflected in the facts.


We just got on with our real lives when we each got married & moved away from the city.


I was going to call before I sent our family photo Xmas card. So his wife wouldn't be surprised to get one after 3 yrs.

 Katrina