help connecting with daughter
Find a Conversation
help connecting with daughter
| Tue, 06-05-2007 - 11:56pm |
Hi everyone, my name is ashley and i am sahm to a wonderful little girl. She will be 3 in August and I am due to have another one then. I feel like I have a prolbem connecting with her. I am with her from the time she gets up until she goes to bed but I dont feel any of that time is quality. By the end of the day I am frazzled and snap at her and DH very easily, mainly because I dont get out during the day and have nobody to talk to other than her. Some days she can be a complete doll and others a terror. I'm afraid that if something doesnt change then next thing I know she'll be 18 and I wont have any relationship with her. I don't know how to re-direct my frustrations (relating to her and about other things) from her and DH and communitcate and spend quality bonding time together. I feel like I am always pushing her away because I am constantly needed. I hear the words "Go play" and "Just leave me alone" coming out more and more. I feel like a horriable parent and I don't want her to feel unwanted. Especially when the new baby is born. Does anyone have any suggestions?

Hi Ashley,
I just had DD #2, and sometimes I feel like I do the same thing with Emily.
Hi Ashley! Welcome to the board. Boy do I ever have some advice for you. Lol, what's that saying? Admitting you've got a problem is the first step!? My biggest advice is to appologise to your daughter when you know you've done something that crosses the line, and vow to yourself to say yes no less than once each day when what you really want to tell her is "no, go play and leave me alone"! I know, I've been there three years ago. I was just where you are, finding that the connection was suffering. I didn't want her to grow up with the Jekyl and Hyde mother I was becoming. When I forced myself to appologise to Caroline each and every time I unjustifiably snapped or yelled at her I noticed I stopped doing it as much. Holding myself accountable that way helped, but more, it shows the valuable lesson of humility to my daughter. It shows her that mommy makes mistakes and when we do we appologise. I would say to her "Caroline momma is sorry that she snapped at you and (age appropriate words here) used an angry not nice voice at you. That was mean of mommy and I shouldn't speak to you that way. Do you forgive me?". She'd smile her biggest most loving smile and say yes and give me a hug. Didja know that nothing heals the heart and calms the nerves quite as well as a hug? They should bottle and sell em.
That is my advice on what to do in the moment. Please please take it, for your sake as well as your daughters.
As for redirecting your frustrations, first you've got to identify them. You're mildly frustrated with her, but only because you're frustrated with yourself, and are starting to feel overwhelmed about how you're not only going to take care of her and be a good mommy, but add ANOTHER child into it who will require even more of you. You're thinking "holy crap, there isn't enough of me to be there for
Powered by CGISpy.com
Welcome to the board! I just had my second baby six weeks ago. My oldest is 20 months. I was super hormonal with my last pregnancy and I was like a raving lunatic. I snapped at everyone and then I would bawl my eyes out because I thought I was losing my mind. Not only did I have to deal with the stress of my changing body (again) and the usual pregnancy stress but I also had to chase after a boy who entered his terrible two's a year early, work a full time job (at the time) and deal with DH, bills, car issues, etc. It was so overwhelming and Kate is right, it's easiest to snap at those closest to you.
My son and I took a trip when I was six months pregnant and it was stressful circumstances anyway but I noticed that I did something to settle me down. We flew to visit my parents and I would hold my son or he would sit on my lap and I was constantly kissing him on his cheek or his head or hugging him. Subconsciously I was doing this (because a lot of the time I didn't even realize that I was) and it was a de-stresser. It calmed me down to display my love for my son like that even when he was screaming or making a scene. I would suggest when your daughter had driven you absolutely crazy and you feel yourself about to pop that you take a breather for a minute and then give her a hug and a kiss.
They know when things are changing and I think toddlers kind of act out and unintentionally make everything harder. At the end of my pregnancy (because I struggled with the guilt of not being able to give all of my attention to my son anymore) I made sure I did a lot of one-on-one things with him. I took him to the park, took him on walks, looked at animals, etc. I even did this at first after my daughter was born, leaving her with dad or grandma so that DS still felt like he could have that special mommy attention. He's adjusted well to having a sister, too. And it can be difficult because sometimes if feels like I'm neglecting one to fulfill the other's needs. It's just one of those adjustments we have to make after having a second child. You'll get it down, you'll get a system that works for you and you'll be a terrific mother to both of your children. Congrats, BTW, on your pregnancy!
And anytime you feel you need to vent or ask for help, we're all here and will gladly lend an ear. Just don't be so hard on yourself. Now go hug your baby! :)
Tarra
Tarra
mommy to
Noah (10/13/05)
and