Help! MY 7 YEAR OLD RAN AWAY

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Registered: 05-05-2006
Help! MY 7 YEAR OLD RAN AWAY
9
Fri, 08-18-2006 - 4:03pm

This morning my 7 year old packed up a suitcase full of her stuffed animals, a bookbag full of clothes and underwear. After her shower and her normal morning routines she snuck out of the house and tried to run away by hitching a ride to her dad's house at 9:33 this morning.

I'm a divorced and remarried SAHM who takes care of her full time when she is not at school. I had stayed up the night before reading a book and ended up sleeping a bit later than usual.

I was blessed and thankfully a nice woman saw her and called the police to come get her. The officers brought her back at 9:45 and had a long talk with her about how dangerous it was to run away.

Why did she leave? Two reasons. The first was that I was a bad mom because I punished her when she stole a necklace from me. Seems grounding is now abuse according to her. And that other reason was that I am preventing her from seeing her dad more than she does.

DD sees her dad every weekend. Well, she goes to his house and he goes to work so she doesn't see him as much as she wants to and somehow I get blamed for it. It never used to be a problem until recently and she will complain to me about not seeing him, but won't tell him how she feels.

And to make matters worse she started in on wanting to move in with him and I said "fine, okay, if that's what you want" and we packed up her clothes. She's convinced that if she moves in with him that she will see him a lot more and he will spend more time with her. I know he won't because he hardly ever did when we both lived with him. Always something more important to do.

I know she is trying to play us one against the other, I know that every kid goes through this. It's just really hard to deal with and I'm wondering if anyone else has had any of the same issues.

prin.

P.S. I know some people might say that I should spend more time with her, but that isn't the answer. We spend alot of time together as it is. Anymore and she will be sleeping in the same room with me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 08-18-2006 - 4:57pm

Wow!! My DS threatened to run away recently, but didn't act on it. . . Good thing someone called and she was OK. It must be so tough to be a single mom and juggle the issues like that. Have you talked to her dad about it? Can you explain to her that it's not your fault that she doesn't see more of him? Maybe she has some bitterness about the divorce that needs to be dealt with.

Try not to blame yourself. Sounds like you're doing a great job with her. I'm sure it's a challenge to be a single parent, I can't even imagine!

I hope she learned her lesson about how dangerous that was, and doesn't pull something like that again.

Sofia




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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Fri, 08-18-2006 - 5:08pm
omg I would FREAK if my kids ever tried that! Big (((((((HUGS)))))))) to you!!!!!
I've never dealt with this kind of situation, so I really don't know what to tell you. Hopefully someone can offer some helpful advice.
I'll keep you and your dd in my prayers!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Fri, 08-18-2006 - 5:17pm

I think you should take your daughter to a therapist. She needs some phychiatric evaluation and she has some deep issues and hurts that she needs to learn how to constructively deal with. Getting together with your XH for family counceling would bennefit her even more so if it can be arranged that'd be wonderful for your daughter.

She has a very fragile relationship with her father. She *can't* go to him and complain or say anything negative, she's scared to death that if she "rocks the boat" so to speak, she'll lose what little of him she *does* have. And she blames you, she takes her pain and frustration out on you because you're there. In a very round about way it's a compliment. She feels secure enough in you and your love. She trusts that it'll be there enough to push you away. Not so with her father.

She needs help though. She needs some third party to talk to, one who is educated on what's going on under the surface.

Good luck.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2003
Fri, 08-18-2006 - 6:15pm
That is so scary, I'm glad she's back home safe !
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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2006
Fri, 08-18-2006 - 7:51pm

Oh, your story sounds familiar, lol! My 7 year old ran away when he was in kindergarten. I was actually working at the time and the daycare bus dropped him off. He and his cousin decided they would rather not go to school and they left. No one knew they were missing until the daycare came back to pick them up from school and they were nowhere to be found. It was terrifying, but had a good ending (meaning they were safely found and returned). I am also a remarried SAHM and my DS also complains about not seeing his dad. He started blaming his misbehavior on not seeing his dad. We had to nip that in the butt right away. We know he misses his dad, but he was obviously using it as an excuse. I don't know what your daughter and you are dealing with, but one thing we found with DS is that he had rejection issues. I would normally laugh at a diagnosis like that, but after trying some of the things that his counselor told us to, I am amazed at the difference. With him we've not had to spend additional time with him, so much as making sure he feels heard. It's made a world of difference. I've had to talk to his dad to make sure he is also helping DS to feel heard. I thought we were doing it, but apparently not. If you want to talk more about it, feel free to email me through my profile. We can chat about our kids little adventures!!!

I am glad that she was safe. It's so scary out there and our kids have these invincibility issues.

Joanna

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Registered: 12-03-2003
Sat, 08-19-2006 - 2:24am

Hello, I lurk on the board but don't post often, I would agree with pp that she would probably benefit from seeing a counselor. My parents divorced when I was five and they lived only 6 miles apart, I was constantly going back and forth from house to house. What I went through was ALOT of guilt, and also I felt like I was hurting one parents feelings whenever I was with the other parent. Sometimes I wanted to split myself in half so I could please both parents and not feel like I was hurting one or the other by not spending the right amount of time with each. I started feeling that way between the ages of 7 and 9, maybe this is some of what your daughter is feeling, but needs to be able to communicate that to someone who is not so close to the situation. I wish you luck and hope she realizes how lucky she is to not have gotten hurt when she left home alone.


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baby development
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Registered: 11-17-2003
Sat, 08-19-2006 - 10:59am
I agree with the other posters in it may be a good idea for her to see someone to talk to that is outside the home. It more common that you think for kids to say I am gonna run away at one time or another in their young life, but to actually act on it and at such a young age. I would be concerned a bit that there are some issues that really need to be dealt with. Children know more than we think and often keep their true feelings inside because often they really don't know how to experess them. I wish you the best and consider getting some kind of help for your daughter now before it gets worse. The running away is so scary in this day and age. Luckily the neighbor saw her. Trish
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Registered: 01-06-2004
Sat, 08-19-2006 - 9:26pm
I did this as a kid and took all my stuffed animals down the street to a friends house where she returned me not too long after.
I had 2 parents at home and dont really remember why I did it

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2006
Mon, 08-21-2006 - 12:13pm

Okay, I can breathe now. Crisis is over, well, for now I guess.

DD's dad came over and he and I had a long talk about how we were going to handle the situation before we brought her into the discussion. He admitted as he has before that there is no way he can take care of her full time, he works too much. I told him that he has to be the one to tell her because she already blames me enough for the time they don't spend together.

Surprisingly he did and of course it crushed her, but it was something she needed to hear. He got her to understand that it is my job and not his girlfriend's to take care of dd.

DD was finally able to open up and tell him that she wants to spend more time with him. Yes, she was definitely scared to death about him not loving her anymore if she upset him, but she was able to see that he still loved her even if she spoke her mind.

We both decided that it was best if she stayed with me over the weekend because we didn't want to reward her for running away and also it was better for my piece of mind also. I don't think I could have handled her leaving the house so soon after running away and then asking to move to her dad's.

I've made a few calls and hopefully I'll have an answer soon on where I can take her for counseling. I understand that she can't tell me everything that's going through her mind and I know I need help with that.

For right now I have just been sitting down and talking with her tons more than usual and giving her ways to vent and sort out her feelings. I gave her an empty notebook and told her it is hers to write down how she feels and she really liked that idea.

I find myself waking up in the middle of the night now and checking to see if she is still there. For years now I was so proud of how well adjusted a kid she was. She was almost three when I and her dad called it quits. She's always been such a happy kid and to see her hurt and angry and confused as to why she was angry makes me sad.

I know I don't take all the blame for this and that sometimes the signs are very hard to see, but I know what blame to put on my shoulders.

About six months ago I stopped explaining things to her. She would ask me questions about what I am doing or about the house or about me and DH and I would just shrug them off and tell her they were none of her business and to not worry about it. The thing is, that is not my parenting style and yet I did it anyway.

Why? Because that is what my mother did to me. Saturday night I realized that all I was doing was transferring the frustration I felt as a kid, because I was being left out, to my own child and for no other reason than that was my example. It was easier to say none of your business than to actually explain what was going on to her.

No, I don't tell her everything now, but when she wants to know why she can't know something I explain to her why she can't rather than say 'Just because'.

P.S. I wanted to thank everyone who posted on this thread. It really helped me out. I've been a SAHM for about a year now, but I'm a newbie to the board.

Prin