HELP! What to do??

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2003
HELP! What to do??
16
Fri, 04-27-2007 - 11:03am

What would you girls do?? I am at a loss of what is the right thing to do. As some of you know I found out about 2 months ago that my DH had an affair. We are in the process of working things out. Faith and forgivness have really been our saving grace. I know in my heart this was the right thing for us. On to my problem. After finding out about DH I put a spy program on the computer at home to see if anything else was happening. Well never in my wildest dreams did I expect to find something on there that involves my sister and her husband. There were emails from my brother in law to another woman - talks of lap dances and pictures being sent - it is someone he works with. Do I say anything to my sister?? I know the pain that it would cause her and there marriage. The other part I am worried about is that since what has happened between DH and I the relationship between my sister and I has suffered. She thought and still thinks that I should have changed the locks and left him. I would hate for her to think that I am doing this to get back at her because that would not be my intent. They are talking of starting a family this summer. Please let me know your opinion on what you would do.......would you tell your sister?

Please help!!

Julie

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2006
Fri, 04-27-2007 - 11:17am

Julie,


Glad to hear that you and your DH are trying to work things out and I wish you luck!


As for your sister, I would definetly tell her -- especially if she is considering starting a family with this man. She deserves to know what she is getting into. Eventually she'll find out and it will make it a lot harder if she discovers that you knew and didnt tell her.


I know it is going to be REALLY hard on you and I wish you all the best.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2006
Fri, 04-27-2007 - 11:53am
Tell your sister, give her the proof too.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2007
Fri, 04-27-2007 - 12:00pm

I think you should tell your sister before she decides to have a baby with this man, you wouldn't want that on your conscience.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
Fri, 04-27-2007 - 12:22pm
I think the OP should mind her own business, especially because her knowledge came from spying (if her marriage were really back on track, she wouldn't feel the need to check out the computer). Everyone keeps saying her sister "should know before she has kids with this swine," as if to imply that her sister should divorce her husband. Maybe the sister should, but then why shouldn't the OP divorce HER cheating husband -- because he is less of a cheater or because she decided to "work things out"? Maybe the sister already knows and has decided to "work things out" too. It is very inconsistent advice. Nothing good comes from spreading such news, especially about a private matter between spouses, her sister may well resent the information, and I wouldn't be surprised if the sister then shares some news about the OP's husband (such as the affair is not over yet). Also, sounds like the OP has a full plate trying to fix her own marriage.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2007
Fri, 04-27-2007 - 12:38pm
I agree you should tell her. HOWEVER, you may want to have a bit of a plan. Since I don't know the details, I must ask about this spy software. To whom were these emails sent? DH? If so, that would be a betrayal of your damaged trust. for not telling you or at least not telling the BIL what an idiot he is for being unfaithful- especially after his own idiocy. Or does your sis and bil live w/ you? I'm Trying To understand how you came across this info. If they live w/ you, there will be a trust issue w/ the spyware & that may have to be addressed first. Bottom line, though, even at the risk of your relationship, she needs to know before a child is thrust in the picture. HTH. Kris
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2003
Fri, 04-27-2007 - 1:05pm
No they do not live with us but have spent many weekends at our house. The were over every weekend until things between DH and I got bad. We would play games and they would always use our computer to check everything. I had not gone in to check the history on the computer for a while because DH and I are doing well. I went in to delete everything and to remove the program and came across the info. I have been torn on what to do with it for a while now.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Fri, 04-27-2007 - 1:07pm

Julie,


This is what I would do. I would go to my brother in law and tell him that I'd done a check on my computer and I came up with these very suspicious emails. I would then give him the chance to explain himself. You don't know what goes on in their relationship, so for all you know she may already know, he may have already told her, or it may all be okay with her. You never know because you aren't there in their marriage, KWIM? So only after talking with him would I tell him that if he doesn't come clean with his wife, that I would have to come clean with my sister, because though he never intended it to happen he's put me in the middle with information that I don't want to have and be held accountable for having.


Ugh, sticky deceitful situation I'd hate to be in. Good luck, and if you do end up telling your sister I hope she doesn't "kill the messanger".

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2007
Fri, 04-27-2007 - 1:07pm

YIKES!!! That is a sticky situation, and unfortunatly too common these days! I can tell you a similar story in my life that involved my sister. My brother-in-law came onto my very attractive mother one time. My mom called him on his behavior right away and told him she was going to tell my sister about his advances toward her. Well, I guess he totally freaked out and swore to my mom that it would never happen again with her or anyone else...he professed to love my sister very much and didn't want to lose her. So my mom felt like she didn't need to say anything. Since that point, my sister and her husband have seemed to be doing quite well and very much in love. I don't know what got into him that one time, but I don't think he'll do it again.

I think a lot of men get into a rut and miss all the sexual excitement that they once knew as bachelors. Unfortunately, we women sometimes fail to meet those needs due to other responsibilities, etc. It is my personal opinnion that most men who cheat don't want to actually lose their partners...they just want to be desired again. So what I would do is tell your brother-in-law that you know what's going on and that he'd better check his behavior or he may risk losing his wife. Tell him you won't hesitate to tell your sister if you find out anything ever happens again.

Hope this helps!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2007
Fri, 04-27-2007 - 2:08pm

I didn't read the other responses, so sorry if I'm repeating...

Ugh, what a sticky situation!! My sister is my best friend, so I would absolutely not be able to keep it concealed from her...but at the same time, it would kill me to hurt her. I think if it were me in that situation, I would talk to my BIL and let him know that I know and tell him that he needs to talk to my sister and be honest with her about it. I think a subject of that delicate a nature sort of needs to be dealt with between husband and wife. And then I would just be there for my sister if she wanted to talk to me about it, but I would let her bring it up with me.

Good luck to you, what a difficult situation!

Krista, 35 year old SAHM
DD 17 months

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2007
Fri, 04-27-2007 - 4:44pm

Julie,


I agree with Kate about talking to him first.

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