house full, but doing it alone

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2004
house full, but doing it alone
2
Fri, 04-16-2004 - 12:46am
From my earlier message, it seems that everyone wishes they were in my shoes, namely with a husband who's home all the time. Please, give me a moment to describe my situation.

From the minute he wakes up (which is around 9 am, I'm up at 7 am) he's on the computer. All day, and not just working, but playing games too! No, we are not independently wealthy, the business runs itself. Ok, let me continue....he does nothing to help out around the house (except bbq). He's never cleaned, picked up, or done laundry. He never feeds our 2 & 3 yr olds, never cleans up after them, and never puts them to bed. On a very rare occasion when I meet a friend for dinner, does he put the babies to sleep. In fact, he has NEVER, I repeat, NEVER on his own given our children a bath. He has come up in the past to "watch" as I bathe them. He sees how hard I work, taking care of the house, the babies, carrying laundry, carrying groceries, (all you moms know exactly what I'm talking about), yet he never offers to help or lend a hand. He has never been a very active person, but come'on empty the dishwasher once! To make matters worse, he plays with our kids for about 20 before bedtime.....even though he's had many opportunities throughout the day, he's not willing to give up "his" time. I am sheepish to have playdates at my home because I'm embarassed that he's home all the time. On a rare day when he does "go to work", I find a weight has been lifted, and I like my role even more. The worse part, is that since we are together ALL the time, we have nothing to talk about, I have nothing to say to him....because nothing is ever NEW. I feel our marriage is suffering because it's "too close for comfort". I pray for the day he has a 9-5 job, where I miss him and look forward to a date night. Now, we never plan anything alone, what's the point, we are alone/together all the time. I guess, I would not expect him to do stuff around the house if he was gone, and working alot. But if you have 3 hours a day/every day to spend playing computer games, then pick up the toys instead! So, thank you all you mommies for letting me vent and paint my picture...I would love some advice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2003
Fri, 04-16-2004 - 3:20am
I'm so sorry you are having a tough time.

my only expierience was when my dd was born, my dh was laid off for 6 months, and he was home. I loved it. Mind you, it was our first child, and I didn't know what the heck I was doing, so having him around was wonderful.

I do have to say that now he has been back at his job,he WISHES he was home. Even though he puts in a 40+ hour week, when ever he comes home, he jumps in the shower first (he has a very messy job, I don't want him touching dd with all the grit and dust and dirt on him) and then comes in the room with us, and picks her up and plays with her. He also cooks dinner (I should also add that he hates my cooking) BUT I offer everyday to cook, but he always declines. Go figure!!! But even on his BAD DAYS, he is always ready to jump in... somedays I have to push him in, lol!! but it all gets done.

I am a full time sahm, and when dh was here for months, it was wonderfull. we both had our lazy days and the other picked up the slack.

If it is all one sided, as it sounds in your case, you need to set some ground rules with him. Let him know how you feel. I always get up for the first morning feed on weekends (and weekdays of course, since I am here alone) and dh gets the 2nd feed of the morning feed on weekends so I can sleep in. Talk to him. In the beginning for us it took what felt like forever to work it out. Finally, I said I was frusterated, and tired, and needed sleep, and him to help, and for him to do certain things around the house since he was home. He has been great. Talk to dh.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2004
Fri, 04-16-2004 - 9:13am
Have you talked to him about helping out more? What does he say. When you catch him playing video games instead of helping you out or playing with the kids do you say anything to him?

I stated before my husband works 60-80 hours a week. He goes in super early so he can be home at a reasonable time. He comes home and does all the cooking. After dinner, one of us gives ds a bath while the other cleans up the supper dishes. We switch off. I do all the laundry and a majority of the housework, but I'm home and should. However, my dh will put the dishes from the dishwasher away once in a while and help out occ. When we go out to ean my ds usually sits next to dh and he feeds him. I've got a good dh!

I personally would have been very annoyed at my husband for not helping like yours doesn't and would have been in many fights by now. Do your kids go up to him and ask him to play? What does he say?

I simply would not stand by and let this happen. Talk to him. If you haven't said anything to him, then how's he supposed to know how you feel. Good luck.

Tanya