How can I make my husband understand...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
How can I make my husband understand...
Wed, 04-02-2003 - 2:32pm
I've been a stay at home mom for my son for almost three years now and early on dealt with serious ppd on my own until I admitted to my ob/gyn that things were really bad. (I wanted to run away, I thought about hurting myself and my son…) In all that time my husband never asked me how I was doing, only complained that I was making things hard for him.

I've been on Zoloft and it's helped and I have a clear understanding of my situation and understand that I am stressed, bored and unhappy, but I also know I can give my son good care and am preparing him for preschool later this year. But lately my son has been so hard to handle. I am completely drained, yet my husband makes comments like "You have it made. You can do whatever you want." And "You've been on a two year vacation."

Yesterday my 2.4 year-old had a screaming and crying fit that went on for hours and started up again this morning. I called my husband at work, he only works about two or three minutes away, and when I told him I was going to lose it, I was going to hit him or just curl up in a fetal position. He told me to "get a babysitter." He’s been about this helpful through my whole transition for working woman, to trying to work at home and raise our kid. There are many issues involved but right now I am mainly concerned with the fact that I am an emotional zombie and need some help and support and I clearly can't turn to him for it and he can't understand why I need some help and how his attitude is dooming our relationship.

Is there any concise articles, because he's not much of a reader, which will explain to him how difficult it can be to be the person responsible for the care and well being of a child with no one to turn to, rely on or even offer a shoulder to cry on? Couple's therapy, me telling him bluntly and even video taping my son's fit haven't seemed to get the point across to him that I am tired, but that doesn't mean I don't love my son.

I have decided to take a spa vacation without the two so my husband can see just how easy it is to deal with a kid all day by yourself, but that won't happen for at least another month.

I just need for my husband to see in black and white by some other, hopefully authoritative source, that taking care of a child can be very overwhelming.

And, yes, I have NO plans to have any further children with this man, and yes, divorce is an option I am actively looking into.

Avatar for frogacc
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 04-02-2003 - 2:52pm
Wow, I was just getting ready to post asking how these crazy chicks get so much done and still say sane. I'm glad I'm not the only one in the same boat! My SO is about as helpful as yours; never bathes, feeds, changes, diapers, or puts our son to sleep. He's great at entertaining him, but I'd like more help in the "necessity" area. SO doesn't clean the house, take out the trash, nothing except wash his own clothes and cook dinner every now and then (which I am certainly grateful for, but still). He spends most of his time on the weekend with his friends, and in the evening after work, he is on the computer until bedtime. He has *never* spent more than half an hour with the baby alone (DS is 6mo), and that was only after he was fed, changed, etc. He makes me feel guilty for not bringing in an income (as does his mother), but I know deep in his heart he doesn't want me to put the baby in daycare just to go back to work. He says he understands how hard it is staying with the baby 24 hrs a day, but he really doesn't because he has no 1st hand experience. As we were taking DS to the ER last night after falling off the bed, SO took his own vehicle "in case you have to be there a while", and stopped to pay the phone bill on the way to the hospital. I guess if we stayed too long, he was just going to go home and leave me much for being concerned! I just called him about 20 minutes ago telling him DS was driving me crazy and I needed help. "What am I supposed to do about it?" he asks.

I really don't know what kind of advice to give you. It sounds like you have tried everything (videotaping the fits was a good idea) to make him see how hard it is. Other than leaving him with the boy for an extended period of time (the spa you mentioned) I really don't know any other way to make them understand what a SAHM life is truly like. Do you have family nearby, or a trusted neighbor that could possibly take the baby for a few hours so you can get a break? I think you need to do what is best for your well being and that of your child. What is his relationship with the child like, I mean is he attentive to him? I sure wish I could point you in the right direction for resources but I'm still new to this whole motherhood thing. I do sympathize because I completely understand the situation!! I hope that you find a positive outcome soon but in the meantime I'm here for support!

Amanda & Jacob 6mos

Avatar for cl_nestey
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 04-02-2003 - 7:36pm
Hi there,

From what you have said, your husband doesn't sound very supportive of you or of your staying at home. I think you need to find someone else that you trust to talk to, and to fall back on. If your husband is just not getting it, then you can't rely on him. I think you should go back and talk to your doctor about your feelings, let him know of the changed situation with your son. If nothing else, he may give you some insight as to why your son is behaving in this manner. Another thing I think is that you definitely *need* someone to call if you ever feel like hurting yourself or your son.

I hope things get better for you, I really do. And I agree your husband needs to adjust his attitude, you need to tell him your doubts about your marriage and that his lack of support is doing damage to your relationship. I hope he comes around!