How to deal w/ "All About Me" Friends?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2004
How to deal w/ "All About Me" Friends?
2
Tue, 11-30-2004 - 11:46pm

hi everyone, my first post in a little while.
my biggest dilemma in life has always been the same: i find i make friends with somewhat diva-like or selfish(?) women. i guess i like their spunk.

but- i find them also kind a rude/insensitive.

what's ironic is that these same few women are the ones who always want to get together w/ me. they're the neediest
yet, they don't show me consideration consistently.

am i expecting too much?
or is the fact they act like a diva also the reason that they don't have other friends?

i went to a new friend's house at her invitation to have a coffee & chat.
i wasn't there 10 minutes & she said she was going to work on her daughter's school project on the computer (while i just watched? huh??)
she had all day to do it once i left. or she could have just not invited me over at that time/day. we were having a lively conversation & she just up & went over to her computer.

how do i "handle" a situation like that gracefully? is there any "changing" someone like that?
my gut tells me that when someone is insensitive it's b/c they're not valuing friendship right now & that i'm to not going to invest any real time w/ that person.
it's just so common a situation for me. like my coworker who said 'let's have lunch' & then directed me to a boutique so she could find an outfit for her date that night. i wouldn't ask a friend to lunch & then drag her to the drug store so i can pick up ovulation kits for my DH & i. that's just lacking manners.
any advice would be very appreciated.
thanks! Jen

Jordan

Avatar for grace5
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 12-01-2004 - 4:57am

The famous Spanish Author Cervantes once said: "SHOW ME WHO YOUR FRIENDS ARE AND I'LL TELL YOU WHO YOU ARE" meaning, there is something in US, a need that is filled or a personality tendency, if you will, that is met through the relationships we form. It is good that YOU are finally noticing a pattern. It is interesting the people we 'attract' bc there is usually something in US, that draws us to this person. I would recommend going to a local library and reading on this topic - relationships, assertiveness, friendships... you will be surprised how much information -that can be related to your life- will arise out of a good book.

As for that situation, I would not have recommended a confrontation but a calm but CONFIDENT approach, "Oh Allison, I wish you would have told me that you were busy this afternoon... I would have done something better (yes, use "better"). I'll get going now, good luck helping your daughter." Next time she invites you, say in a direct but nice half-joking way, "Allison, are you going to ditch me for a computer project again? You know, that wasn't my idea of a visit." - add a little smile.

Most importantly, find out WHY you are subjecting yourself to this treatment, like Dr. Phil says on Oprah, 'YOU TEACH PEOPLE HOW TO TREAT YOU!'

With my best, Grace

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Wed, 12-01-2004 - 8:48am
I have a neighbor like that. She drives me up the wall. But the one thing that keeps me seeing her every now and then is her son and my son are friends.
She is wealthy, but her husbands family, so she likes to talk about their money at every conversation I have with her. By the time I am done talking to her, I feel crappy about what I have. UGH
And the other thing that bothers me is, that she does not want to socialize with me, just drop her son off to play her, cause she said she does not want to watch her kids "all the time", she wants time alone. GRRRRRRRRRR Why have kids if you don't want them around. Makes me mad. And what makes her think that I would want to watch her kids when I have 2 of my own that I want to spend time with?
She also likes to talk about my son to her son. Does she not know that kids like to talk? He tells me what she says about him each time he comes over. What adult talks about a kid to a kid? Grow up.
If it were not for him, I would not even speak to her.
I guess my whole point of this post is, that I know how you feel about being a magnet to people like her. I think it might be because I am so desperate to make friends in this small town and for my son to have friends his age, which there are not many his age in my area.
I just wanted to send you hugs!
If I had the nerve, I would tell her to get over herself, not to be rude. But for the sake of my son, I have not.
Do what you think is right, and don't feel so bad if it hurts their feelings. You deserve to be treated like a adult by a adult.


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