How do I handle this neghbor? :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2003
How do I handle this neghbor? :(
7
Sat, 07-31-2004 - 11:46am
Hi. I thank you so much for reading this as I am really hoping many of you can give me some perspective here because at the age of 36 I can honestly say I have never felt used or manipulated up til now. I suppose there is a first time for everything. lol Here is what is going on.

We moved here a year ago and our neighbors next door were people who had just moved in a few weeks before who would smile and say hello but that would be it. I am a stay at home mom and I have a daughter who is 9 and I have a son who just turned 5. The neighbors have 6 year old and 3 year old girls.

A few months ago my daughter was outside playing and the 6 year old came over. They played for a little bit and for about 2 weeks they played off and on if they saw the other outside. Their daughter is about to turn 7 and is so tall she looks 10. I have had the opportunity to talk to the mother a couple of times and she seemed genuinely nice; however she constantly spoke about how difficult her daughter is because she has been ADHD all of her life and is extremely aggressive. The times that I saw "Kate" she appeared no different than my 5 year old son who I am more than used to his energy level. :)

The mother came to me a month ago and said her and her husband were having severe money problems and she couldnt afford day care any further for her daughter. She kept saying things like "I just dont know what I am going to do. I wish I knew someone...a good friend who could help us......It would only be two days a week: thursdays and fridays.......................... And without thinking, without missing a beat I said well I can watch Kate. And instantly the mother said Great! I'll let the daycare know and you can start later this week. Right away I regretted offering to help because I hadnt spoken to my husband who works full time second shift and studies during the day because he is in a full time Masters degree program at our university.

Flash forward to Kate coming over regularly. It was an instant disaster. She would get so angry at my children,who are not perfect by the way. My daughter is very gentle but can be bossy to her younger brother. And my son is a practical joker . Kate began calling my son "dummy" all the time and started hitting both of them on a daily basis. I am talking slugging them hard. Over the course of this month I came to find out a few things. The school suspended Kate last year for hitting a student on the bus. The neighbors say well the boy was 10, c'mon. How bad could it be? And she was kicked out of girl scouts for hitting and shoving. None of the neighborhood kids are allowed to play with her anymore either.

I told her she had to stop hitting my kids NOW or she would never come over again and she came back with the response of you are not my boss and even if you tell my mom that I hit *Beth and Chris" she wont believe you. And I wont LET you tell her.

Let me say these were the worst days of my life and yesterday came to a crossroads. She had hit my son, right in front of me, and called him names and when the mother pulled in I said she is hitting them and I cannot tolerate this. She said I will talk to Kate about it and left. I called her last night and asked her to come over and she walked in and said the following:

Well, your daughter is bossing Kate around and Kate doesnt respond well to bossy behavior. She also doesnt enjoy when your daughter tells her she wont be friends with Kate anymore. I said it may appear bossy when she tells Kate dont yell at my brother and dont call him names,dont talk to my mommy like that etc but she is not used to this kind of behavior.

During the course of the conversation the mother told me that she hates God for giving her Kate and that a psychologist told her three years ago that if she didnt medicate Kate she would kill her younger sister. But to this date she is not medicated. She also told me yesterday that last year she was in the principal's office every day that its the school's fault. They dont understand Kate and they refuse to even try.

I responded last night by saying I had gotten in way over my head and that I cannot watch her daughter anymore. It is too hard and much to disruptive and I am deeply concerned that she is going to hurt my children one day and because of that I would not be watching her daughter. She came back with well we dont have anybody else to watch Kate. We NEED you. At least for the next month until school begins, and then after that you only have to watch her in the mornings and afternoons when she gets home from school for an hour. It is as if she didnt hear what I had just told her! She went on to say: You know my new job takes me away from the home and I cant be there to get her on the bus or off. I said No, I cannot do that. She said well, I will TRY to ask my mother in law, but she refuses to watch Kate anymore. But if she wont, then Amber, I am going to have to ask you to do this because it is either you or I have to quit my job. I called my mother last night on the phone after she left and was completely upset. My mom is convinced that they can afford daycare but that the daughter got kicked out of it. They just bought a brand new car for pete's sake. This was never an issue about money though. Yes, I never received payment but even if she was paying I still dont want to watch kate ever again.

What am I to do? What is she shows up with Kate one day this week and says here, I need you to watch her. Or if school is called off due to snow this winter? I told her rather strongly taht I could not do this anymore and yet she comes back with well its either you or my job.

Looking back, this woman never once to this day has called me simply to justtalk or hang out. She has never tried to be my friend and I feel completely manipulated, used and stressed out.

What am I going to do if she calls today and says I have no one else? My husband is astounded because I have no trouble at all standing up for myself in any given situation or saying the word no. But I feel inwardly that I let people down and committment means something to me. When I say I am going to do something, I follow through, not to mention I dont want my neighbors to hate me. My dh says if they cared anything about you they would never have kept on asking you to watch Kate even after you told them it was too much for you.

Any suggestions?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Sat, 07-31-2004 - 1:18pm
My suggestion is to cut ties as soon as possible!
I don't think you should have to watch her daughter cause she cannot do it and everyone else refuses to. There is a reson why her mom wont watch her and the daycare kicked her out and so forth.
I would not feel bad what-so-ever for not watching her.
Again, I would quit as soon as possible.
Good luck and keep us updated.

Lilypie Baby Days

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2004
Sat, 07-31-2004 - 1:30pm
You are being taken advantage of!!These people care NOTHING ABOUT YOU! They only want someone to watch their OUT OF CONTROL CHILD!I think your Mom is right.They can probably afford daycare.Their daughter probably got kicked out.Don't feel sorry for this mother. The daughter is her responsiblity not yours.If she loses her job because she has to stay home with her that is HER problem,not YOURS!She should get medication for her problem,not try to shove her daughter off on other people to watch!Just firmly tell her NO you will not watch her child anymore,and keep your doors locked,until she gets the message!You are an incredibly patient person to have put up with this for all this time,without even getting paid!But it is time to put your foot down!Your job is to take care of your children,not her's,and so what if that makes her mad.She has never done anything good for you.She has just used you badly!Your children should not be around children like that.they will learn very bad behavior from her,and could even get seriously hurt!Your husband is right.It is time to put a stop to this!

Heather
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2004
Sat, 07-31-2004 - 5:23pm

I agree with the above posts! This neighbor has no care or concern for you or your children. She is even trying to blame her daughters bevior on your children. She might have well said it is YOUR fault that her daugher is behaving that way.


I might have felt sorry for her if it wasn't for that!


She did not even take resposiblility

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-2003
Sat, 07-31-2004 - 6:20pm
I would straight out tell her...She had the kid...so take care of her. And I wouldn't care if the kid didn't have a place to go. She ain't gonna leave her alone..She will find someone. And if she don't...then call the Child Protective Services on her. Simple as that! You have to think about YOUR kids. Your kids are your first priority. And when you let that child abuse them....You might as well be the one abusing them...Because you are standing by and allowing her to do it. Maybe you never thought about that! Say NO and stick to it. Tell her mother you do NOT have to do it and you will NOT do it. When the mother is knocking at your door with the kid..Do NOT answer it! Let her knock! Hope this helps!

Christy

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2003
Sat, 07-31-2004 - 7:20pm
Thank you all so much for responding! It felt so good getting all of this out because I didnt want to talk about this with anyone around here for fear it would equate to gossiping and I dont want to hurt anyone's feelings.

I took everyone's advice about standing my ground and gave her a final call this afternoon because I wanted to make it firmly known that I would not be watching Kate anymore under ANY circumstances even if the school was called off due to bad weather. I felt that I really needed to make her understand how I felt because when she left here last night her last words were if her mother in law refused to watch Kate then she would HAVE to ask me; not only that but she had also said that this Thursday she absolutely needed me no matter what because no one was available, this being after I had told her it was just too much for me to handle. Maybe it just me, but if someone told me they didnt want to watch my child anymore, somehow I think that would be the LAST place I would want to leave my child for 8 hours.

I stayed up last night, ALL night actually thinking about my children and how I was not going to let Kate ever have a chance to be aggressive again to them. See, the mother would always have Kate call up and apologize in tears and promise it wouldnt happen again but 6 year-olds cannot keep promises. :(

So, I called the mother this afternoon who happens to screen all of her calls. Luckily while she is my next door neighbor, her house is about 2 acres behind our house so we can come and go and never have to actually run into each other. She didnt pick up the phone when I called so I left a message saying that my husband and I talked half the night last night (this is all true, it wasnt said for her benefit) and he informed me that someone was let go from his company and how he will now have overtime indefinetly because they are not refilling the position. So coupled with that, his full time college he needed his rest when he could get it at home and peace to be able to do his school. Plus he did not want the responsbility of watching her daughter and he insisted I tell them that or he would himself because he was so angry at how she was not respecting how I felt. So I said on the answering machine that we would not be watching her anymore under any cicumstance that could arise including this week. I felt like a real schmuck saying this on the machine but she's leaving for vacation tomorrow and wouldnt be back til 2 am thursday, and that was the day she was insisting I watch Kate no matter what.

Its been hours and she has not called back and I dont expect her to nor want her to. This "friendship" was purely conditional in nature and yet what scares me is how she speaks about Kate. I was telling the truth about what she said about hating God for giving her Kate. She has said that to me a few times and has been in therapy for years about it. She said she wanted the perfect child and she is having a hard time accepting that Kate isnt. (but who is??) She refused to medicate Kate because she once tried ritalin and Kate slept 24/7 on it plus she read online one time that ritalin made a child's heart stop which proved to be fatal. She would not discuss lowering the dosage to allay the drowsiness or even speaking to her doctor any further about it.

She also blames the K teacher from last year saying that she didnt devote enough time to Kate and instead sent her to the principal's office all the time...I get the feeling the mother feels it is much easier to blame everyone else instead of proactively facing the situation and getting help. I also know I will be on her lament list but I know in my heart I tried and that I really wanted to help.

Yesterday, before my daughter went to girl scount camp she quietly looked up at me and whispered mom, please dont let Kate in this house anymore. I gave her my word, my vow and that is one promise and one word I made that will NEVER be broken. :)

Thank you again for listening. It has meant the world to me to be able to talk about this anonymously and have such caring responses. It sure has gone a long way into giving me peace on this. :) My deepest thanks to all of you. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Sat, 07-31-2004 - 8:44pm
Good for you!
I think you did the right thing for you and your family.

Lilypie Baby Days

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 08-01-2004 - 3:08pm
Good for you on how you handled the situation! We too have had problems with neighbor children and felt that I was used a lot because I stay at home with my kids. About being on her lament list-I worried about that too but you will never make everyone happy anyway. You had to do what was right for your family. You did the best you could under the circumstances for you and your children. Good luck to you!