How do you & DH divide duties???
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| Thu, 06-30-2005 - 12:36am |
Sorry, it's long....
Hi everyone,
This post is part vent, part solicitation for advice/opinion.
DD is almost 17 months old and I'm finding this age very difficult and tiring.
When DH is with DD, he is great with her, but the problem is he is rarely helping out with her or household chores, so I'm doing practically 100% of both. I'm tired and beginning to feel very burnt out. It's affecting the way I deal with DD. DD is up frequently at night (we're working on it) and DH NEVER gets up with her, even on the weekends and usually sleeps right through her wakings. When he is home, DH does little around the house, nor does he try to keep DD busy and out of my hair so I can get some things done and have a break when he is home.
This has been going on since her birth, but recently we were on vacation and I had hoped that with DH being there 24/7 he would see how difficult full-time life with a toddler is and be more willing to help out. I was really disapointed.
Examples: We were eating out in restaurants frequently. We were in France, where everyone eats very late (arrive at restaurant at 8pm) and service is very long (your lucky if you get your meal 1 hr after ordering, even if it's something really simple). Of course at her age DD doesn't behave very well in restaurants. DH would sit there and watch me struggle with her and wouldn't engage until I got PO'd and would demand him to take a turn with her so I could relax for a few minutes. There were several times when we were invited to restaurants with friends when due to the timing DD was particularily unhappy and disruptive. So disruptive that I felt we had to leave. Each time DH stayed with his friends and didn't even offer to go back with us. Also not once during the 17 day vacation did DH get up with DD at night even if I purposefully woke him up. I had to ask him to watch her so I could go to the bathroom or take a shower *all by myself*. The only thing that changed during our vacation was that I had fewer resources to do the same thing I do every day.
France was beautiful, but I've come back feeling stressed and exhausted and as though I've had no break at all.
DH and I have had many discussions about this and he knows I'm unhappy with the situation. His response is always the same. He's working so I can stay home and therefore, I'm responsible for the house and DD. I agree that I should take on the bulk of those responsibilities, but not 100%, especially when he is home. He recognizes that I need a break, but his soloution is hiring a sitter rather than him stepping in. I feel
as though I'm getting no where and am talking to a brick wall. I'm financially dependant on DH, so I feel I have little leverage or say in our life together. I can't continue like this. I'm so tired and frustrated. My sex drive is six feet under (DH doesn't get that if he'd help out more I'd be more in the mood). We've drifted so far apart due to our difference of opinion, I'm not even sure I love him anymore. We are constantly arguing, which is a huge energy drain. For the first time, thoughts of leaving him have crossed my mind. It would mean I'd have to go on welfare, but I'm so desprate for change that I think it may almost be worth it. At least I'd know where I stood, and wouldn't be spending so much energy trying to get DH to get in the game with DD and me.
Am I unreasonable in expecing DH to help out with chores and DD since I'm not working outside our home? What's it like in your home in terms of these issues?
Any suggestions for getting DH to wake up and realize that he should be more engaged in our home life?
TIA,
Jennifer

Jennifer,
I dont really have much advise for you. But I am sorry you are feeling so down.
Our dd is just over 2 years, and getting into everything. My dh doesnt have much patience on a good day, so I would say that 99% of her care is in my hands. Dont get me wrong, he is a great and involved dad, he just does things differently than I do lol!
Around the house, its a different story however. He does most of the cooking, (well, I cooked every meal for 2 months while he was working weird shifts lol), he vacuums, and mops the floors, and cleans the tub. I should add, that most of the time, these are chores that he enjoys doing. I do the dusting, laundry, food prep, we both do dishes (although I do most lol) yard work is mainly him as well (again, he likes it!)
I think maybe get a balance of what needs to be done to help you both out, and decide who likes doing what, and split it.
The true fact is that running a household and managing kids is demanding. A job/career is as well, but the marriage is between 2 people, and both have to pitch in.
Sorry I couldnt help more, best of luck!
Lesley
It is not easy having a toddler and doing it almost all by yourself is not easy either.
I am fortunate to have a great husband who is wonderful in the father department. I have not really had to ask him to do anything with the boys. He always wakes up during the night when he is home 3 weeks.
Have you tried to talk to your husband about this? How it makes you feel that he is not more involved?
I hope that you guys can work something out and that he helps more with your home and DD.
First of all Jennifer, I am sending a huge cyber hug. I wish I had some really good advice or could explain why he doesn't understand where you are coming from. It sounds like you have sat down and tried to discuss this with DH. I hear you on the eating situation though. It took Earl a lot of time to realize that when the kids are that little, I work around their schedules. I had to put my foot down so to speak that if he wanted to go out to dinner at 7 (my kid's go to bed between 7:30 and 8:00) he had to realize that was a major disruption in their schedules and i could almost guarantee both the kids and I would be stressed out. And it took that exactly happening for him to see the point. OOPS, sorry to digress....
I did read an article that says to assign dollar value to the household chores - maybe you can try that to show him that you are contributing to the family and it as valuable if not more than if you earned a salary? Or what would he do if you did work? Would he still expect you to do 100% of things??
I could easily rant and rave so I won't! LOL - just know you have my support in whatever you do and decide and I am sending you a big hug...
Kelly
First off I wanted to tell you Hi, and I am sorry you are going through this.
So let me get this straight. He works outside the home so that YOU can stay home and that obviously makes you indebted to him? Because you obviously do not work right? You just sit on your butt all day long watching Tv and eating bon bon's? Seriously is this what you do...because then maybe I could see his point. I hardly think this is what you are doing though. YOU are also working, in fact your job never ends. Your job is 24/7 and you deserve a break.
"DH and I have had many discussions about this and he knows I'm unhappy with the situation. His response is always the same. He's working so I can stay home and therefore, I'm responsible for the house and DD."
So is he seriously saying that he should not be engaged with his child because he happens to work outside the home?
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