How to talk to DH about staying at home.
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| Sun, 02-25-2007 - 1:12pm |
Bear with me, this did get longer than expected!
Hi, I am not a SAHM but I wish I was! I stayed at home through most of my pregnancy with my daughter, till she was 8 months old. I loved every minute of it. Then I went back to work.
I have 3 children 5,4, and 19 months. I work 4 days a week 7am-3pm. I have ideal hours, my job is very low stress (besides some of the people I work with) and my husband trys to be helpful and supportive.lol He has a great job and makes almost double what I do. I dont like my job by any strech, but I need morning hours to coincide with his hours, which is not easy to find.
I would love to go down to 2 days a week. I find that I am always tired, and on the edge on the days I work. I have no motivation (besides the money) to work at all. I love being at home with my husband and our children. I dont mind cleaning (except when I have worked all day already) and would very much enjoy staying home.
I dont know whether I should just put up with always being tired and grumpy to have the "extra" things, or to give all that up to stay home pt. My DH doesnt really care if I sah or not. He prefer I work to bring in extra money. He doesnt see what a good thing it might be. He feels like since hes not tired, that I shouldnt be tired. But thats because he gets the "easy" shift with the kids! I get the bathtime, dinner, homework, laundry, cleaning of the day(because he doesnt do much of that) and bedtime.
We dont have any daycare issuses as we work opposite shifts(I wrk days, he wrks nights.) So, the days I work till 3pm, I get home and my DH leaves. No relax time, the kids are mine. Thats 4 days a week. Its draining! I could handle it 2 days a week, but almost FT has got me so tired.
Was curious if your desision to SAH was your idea, his idea? Both together?
Did it affect your life finacialy? ie: going out, random shopping..
Did it affect monthly bills? Did you cut anything out as far as bills go?
If so, was it a difficult adjustment?
We dont have "careers" so to speak. So we make a comfortable life with me working. Maybe not so much If I was working only 2 days a week.
How do I talk to to him to let him know this is important to me. I think I am more willing to give up some extras to SAH. I dont think he will be quite as thrilled.
Thank you for taking the time to read this

Hi luvmyboys530! Welcome to the board, hope to see you around as a regular SAHMommy poster very soon!;-)
To get right to the point and answer your questions. Being a SAHM was my idea, but Dan was completely in agreement. We both value our children growing up being raised by us rather than paid strangers. He works days so to do your routine I would have to be the one working nights and that is just laugh out loud-able because I sooooo don't play that game! I'm Jekyl and Hyde with regards to sleep.
It did effect our lives financially. We have to plan accordingly. But it's no different than, say, the high mortgage payment you're working for, or the new car payment, or the entertainment and eating out. It's budgeted into the income. I firmly believe that nobody is lucky enough to get to stay home. It's a choice like any other. It's not something mystical bestowed apon some and not others, KWIM? It is prioritized and one of the biggest adjustments is in the finances.
We cut out the unnecessaries. We got a cell phone and don't have a land line for example. We don't go out every weekend. We have basic cable. It will take me six months to save up just for the Great Dane I want. We moved into a house with a smaller mortgage and payed off the vehicles so we don't have that payment. It's just little things here and there.
Your husband sounds like he is a bit apprehensive, but willing to go along with it. I think you'd do both of you a favor by playing up how it will bennefit him.
WELCOME to the board!!
I can understand how it might be hard to give up such a perfect job time-wise, but it sounds like that's what you really want to do.
For us, the decision was made by both of us a few years before we ever had kids. I don't remember exactly how it came about (it's been a while, LOL! My kids are 8, 5 and twin 3 year-olds), but I think we talked about it when we were first married, or engaged, and my DH was in medical school. Just by the nature of his career, we knew he would probably eventually earn enough money for me to stay home. We were very blessed in that regard. We timed having kids to coincide with him finishing medical residency, because residents earn SQUAT, and we needed my income. We were lucky that I had no difficulties getting pregnant, and my first baby was born 2 months after my DH became an attending physician and our income jumped six-fold, LOL!
That being said, I think if I'd been dead set on continuing working, he would have supported me in that, too. But he was all too happy to have me stay home with our new baby, knowing that I would be the best care provider there is. I've been home ever since.
As far as financial concerns go, we were blessed because doctors generally earn good salaries, my husband being no exception. While he's not in the most lucrative specialty (Emergency Medicine), he definitely earns enough to provide us with a good life without any contribution from me. I have never regret my decision to stay home with my kids, even though I have a college degree, and would someday love to go back to work.
I know there are many ladies on this board who can give you great budgeting tips as to how to make ends meet financially when you lose your income.
I would just sit down with your DH and have a heart-to-heart and discuss all options. Keep the lines of communication open, and let him know how you feel and listen to his response. It really does need to be a joint decision, IMHO. But it is a wonderful decision if you can swing it!
Good luck to you, and I hope to see you around here more, working or not!! :)
hahaha That last line was great.
Thank you for your response. I agree. A SAH wife is a happy wife, and much less tired. I get things done happily(most of the time) without forcing myself to get up and do something.
I wake up earlyer.
I have more time and patience with the kids. I could volunteer at their schools more often.
I have mon-wed off with DH, but after such a long week, I just want to rest or catch up on the cleaning or spend more time not tired with the kids. So, I still have so much to do.
Or DH for that matter! I would love to iron his work clothes for him, or make sure the house was clean when he got home, or make him dinner, plan a romantic night :) But I never have the motivation for any of that. Because I am so drained. He would love to have his cake and eat it too, but I just dont have it in me! I wish I did, but I just dont.
My children are MY main priority. His main priority is making sure we are all taken care of financialy. Which is great, but not my main focus. He says that if the bills arent paid and food in the pantry, thats not putting our kids first. That making sure their general everyday physical needs are taken care of is priority. TRUE, very true. But, why cant both things work? Like you said, if we just learn to budget differently.
We dont have a mortgage, we pay rent. That cost is not an issue. We just bought a new car 6 months ago (yikes, huge payments, maybe a bad desision but we needed something bigger and reliable) so we cant change that. We do have the biggest package available on cable. That could change. A blockbuster movie pass, could get rid of that. We both have cell phones, so I guess we could get rid of landline. That would be weird though! We probubly do eat out too much, that would save.
It just seems so tough to change the way you have been living for so long. Like we can say we will change it all, but then end up broke because it didnt change, kwim?
He really is not that into me sah. He honestly doesnt see the point. He kind of thinks of me as being lazy as the reason why I want to stay home. He doesnt see why I shouldnt have to work if he does. That I need to do my part and help out financialy. So, I feel guilty about even wanting to.
I have the next 10 days off(HORRAY!!! :)) Because his work schedule changed for the week and we didnt have a babysitter. So, I think I am really going to put my all into it and show him how great it is when I am at home. Make sure everything is done for him, the kids, the cleaning...etc. And maybe even come up with a "plan" for the money part.
Hey, I'm kinda excited about this now! I have something to prove!!
Thanks for getting my mind thinking foxy!!
Any other advise about my plan would be great!
Hey there! I am lucky enough to have a husband who is glad I want to stay home. I was the one who was actually a little hesitant, as I was a professional prior to staying home. But, that's been about a year, and I can say I don't miss the stress.
When we discussed it, we both knew that my staying home with our son is really the most important job that I could have. And the money...in the end, it sounds like you'll have enough money, and like the last poster said, you just have to budget accordingly to make sure you take into account your loss of income. I'm lucky enough that money is not an issue for us, as my husband is a physician and makes a good living, but I really think it doesn't matter how much money you make, as you seem to spend it!
I think the important thing is to make him understand why you want to stay home. Then, make it a joint decision. You guys would all have a lot of familyu time in the morning, which I bet your husband will really enjoy! It's so nice for me to be "off" work, when my husband has vacation...no more trying to coordinate work schedules. When he's off, it's park time!
Well, that's my take on it.
-Chris :-)
I just posted a reply and then saw all the other responses! Thankyou all so much.
I guess you get used to a lifestyle that you created, and having to change that is rough. I wish my DH was the kind who wanted me to stay home. I hate that it feels like I am asking him to "let" me. I would like it to be a joint desision that is in the best interest of ultimatly, our whole family. The kids, DH, and myself.
I think he expects more from me. Dont get me wrong, he is a great husband. He loves me and our children with all his heart. But he is the "bill king." He likes to have a nice amount of money in the bank at all times. He is very responsible with our money. Our budget includes anything extra, or a birthday, or an anniversary. We do spend too much "extra".
Maybe he is a bit selfish? Sometimes I think he thinks more about the materialistic things than whats really important. Though, so do I. Since I am working, we are able to. I know he wont like having to cut those things down for me to stay home. And if anything major(or minor for that matter) came up, it would ultimatly be my fault. I guess I wish he was more supportive of my wants on this matter. Does that sound bad? My wants?
Thats another thing fcfcarson. If he gets an extra day off, or vacation, I still have to work. We hardly ever go anywhere out of town because of our schedules and all the extra events and meetings and training classes he does on his days off. I work weekends so I rarely have a day off that the kids are out of school all day. On my days off, its off to school they go. I hate that.
I dunno. Thats about it. Now I just need to prove how much better life and our marriage would/could be if he gave it a chance.
Welcome to the board!
Honestly, if it were me, I would snuggle up to Dan and tell him that I'd decided that I wasn't going back to work after these 10 days were over, because the children need me home with them more than we need "stuff" that my paycheck is buying. Then I would thank him for being such a conserned caring father and husband, and I'd tell him "I know that you're man enough to be up to the challenge that this will be at first, 'cause you're my man, and you're wonderful". Then I'd give him a big smootch, whisper that I had a naughty night of nekkidfun in mind, and head off to make dinner.
You said he doesn't see the point in you being a SAHM. I'm curious if that's because he himself didn't have one. It's hard sometimes
I came from a dirt poor family where the mom stayed at home, and right now my DH and I are still dirt poor, and I'm still staying at home. So whatever I say, I say it from someone who is in financial need, not as someone who can brush financial things aside.
The worst thing I can do to my husband right now is go out and work. Even if it's a job in which I can take my 18-month-old daughter with me so we wouldn't have to worry about day care, my going out to work would be the same as telling him that he, as the man of the house, cannot take care of his family. He has the classic male ego, you see ^_^
I don't see the male ego as a bad thing, to be honest. Knowing that he has his whole family depending on just him gives my husband the motivation he needs to go to school and go to work at the same time. It gives him the drive to go looking for better jobs.
Everyday when he comes home, tell your husband how much you appreciate his hard work, and appreciate him for bringing home enough money that you can live comfortably. If you believe it, tell him that you know he can support his family. Stoke his ego ^_^
I don't know your situation very well, but I suspect that if he knew that he would be the only provider, he would have the motivation to get a better job.
Also, you can reassure him that if he brings in the money, you will do your best to make his money last. That way, you'd be helping out with the finances the way women have been helping out financially for centuries. My husband and I don't have much (we decided that we don't need cable, for example, though we needed the internet ^_^ Funny, huh), but I do my best to make what money he brings in last.
I understand that you'd have to get used to a different lifestyle. You'd have to get used to not impulse-spending. But you and your husband would be better people for it. That's what life is all about, becoming better people ^_^
And just think, you'd be teaching your children how to be frugal and hard-working, too. And you'd be teaching your children to appreciate their father, too.
Also, I don't know about you, but I'd feel resentful to my husband if he made me work. I don't enjoy going out into the workforce, then coming home and having to care for the house and family, too. If sounds to me that you're starting to resent him for making you feel guilty for wanting to stay home and focus your energy where your energy is needed most. If he is willing to be more of a man and be willing to let you stay home like you wish, you would not have resentment growing in you, and that resentment would affect your marriage.
You cannot force him to let you stay home, and nagging him would be bad, too. But you do need to tell him straightforward why you would respect him better if he could support his family by himself, why you trust him to be able to support his family, etc. You would do your best to make his money last, and you would support and appreciate him and his efforts. Then, once you have your heart-to-heart, let him be so he could think about it himself. Don't pressure him after you tell him everything. Instead, continue to appreciate his efforts sincerely and work to change your financial habits now so that he can see that you can make the change. Change yourself so he could see that he can trust you to support him if he is the only provider.
I get my views on this from my Mom ^_^ She taught me all this, and then had me go out and read "Fascinating Womanhood." I'd recommend the same thing.
Amber
wife to Danel
I think that you should just be honest with your DH and tell him honestly how you feel...you have alot on your plate, between working and taking care of the kids when you get home from work without having time for yourself will take a toll on you, it wouldn't be fair for you to continue this way if its always making you tired & grumpy, you have to do what's best for you & your kids, and if your honest w/ your DH I'm sure he'll understand.
Hi,
This is my first time at this message board as I am not a SAHM, yet. But I was curious to see what you talked about and if I could ideas of what it will be like.
I am 3 months pregnant...my truly DH and I talked about this before were married, and then as soon as I found out and told him, I gently asked if it was still possible. He knows how important this is to me, and his Mom stayed home with him and his brother and sister (8 total)...so he saw only the positive. However, we did realize we are going to have to change our lifestyle and budget tightly. A lot of splurges are going to have to go. For instance, we are going to have to move from our waterfront, highrise apartment that both our income allows. That was a given straight away because we will need more room. He is a musician and plays for our church, outside of his regular position. One of the things we have done, is bank as much of that extra income, probably 80%, because it is quite close to what I bring home. So far, we haven't changed much of our lifestyle and it has been doable. This has a two-fold positive affect in that it is allowing us to see if we can just live on his income(s) and we are starting to have a nest egg for when we start.
My advice to you is to ask him if you can start banking your income. Cut out now, while you are working, those extras and see if staying at home is worth the sacrifice. This will show him how much this means to you and that you are truly serious and it is important to you. Talk to him and let him know why this is important to you, don't be afraid to be totally honest; I phrased it like this, I am not a lazy person, but I hate the corporate world, I don't like to work outside the home and I liked being home and taking care of him, our children and our house etc.). You might want to write your feelings down for him. In that manner, you can be clear and logical (very important to men), you won't not say everything on your mind because he makes a face (learned that from old boyfriend), and he can look at it over and over again.
I hope this helps...I understand how you feel. To all others, I look forward to when I join you in August.
TTFN