Husband Cheated

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2003
Husband Cheated
12
Fri, 03-16-2007 - 3:55pm

I really need all the help I can get right now. The closest friend I have is my sister but I really do not want to put her in the middle of this. The past couple of weeks things have been really tense in my house. It seemed like no matter what I did or said I was wrong somehow. DH has started fights and accused me of many things. I found out today that he had an affair with another woman. It was about 3 years ago when it happened. I was pregnant at the time with our son. The son that took 4 years of IVF treatments to conceive. I feel so numb. My emotions are all over the place and I have no idea what to think or feel. I love my husband very much. I am not perfect that is for sure and I have had my share of mistakes and we have gotten past it but I am not sure how to deal with this. It was a one time thing - he called it a last fling, like having our son was going to kill him or something. Part of me wants to just hold him and be told that it is all going to be alright and the other part of me wants to just beat and hate him. Is this something we can get past, can our marriage survive this? My head hurts so bad from thinking and crying all day. I tried to lay down with the baby at nap time but everytime I closed my eyes I had this vision of my husband with the other person, not that I know who she is. If anyone can shead some light I would be ever so greatful.

Thank You

Julie

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Fri, 03-16-2007 - 6:29pm

Oh Julie I'm so so sorry. I don't even imagine what I'd do. There's just so much that plays into it, have you two tried marriage counceling? There is probably a lot of things needing discussed and brought out into the open before any sort of informed decision can be made. I hope it's the salvagable end, and that your marriage and family make it through this. I might suggest the book The Proper Care & Feeding of Marriage and it's chapter titled "To Hell and Back". There are couples who've survived infidelity, and I think the betrayed spouses abilities rest on the specific details that went into what lead up to and surrounded the unfaithful spouses actions.


Good luck.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
Fri, 03-16-2007 - 7:51pm

I am so sorry to hear about this - this is a terrible thing. Please try to get some counseling - if your husband won't go with you then go by yourself. There is no marriage in the world that will fail if both partners want to save it. Good luck to you!

Paige

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2005
Fri, 03-16-2007 - 8:56pm
I don't know how much help I can be but am willing to try. The circumstances were lots different but I have been where you are.
I understand you not wanting to tell your sister. I did not tell my family at all and this was almost 3 years ago. They still don't know. I mostly just talked to a very dear friend through e mail. I think it helped not having to look at her while I talked about it.
I just wanted to let you know that there were other people out there that have come through it. It was horrible and the worst time of my life but we both decided to make it through.
I lived for a long time wondering if we could come out the other side. I cried constantly and just wondered what to do. We did not get counseling but I think that would be a great help to anyone going through this. I was really hesitant to post this because I was afraid of how people would react to me but I remember the horrible feeling of being totally alone with this and would like to be there for someone else.
Having said all of that I am SAHM of three wonderful children one of whom I would not have if we had called it quits back then. I love my husband dearly and we are in some ways stronger than ever.
Good luck and I'm here if a listening ear helps.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2003
Sat, 03-17-2007 - 1:19am

Julie,

I am so sorry you are having to go through this. I can't say that I understand your predicament but I can somewhat imagine from past infidel relationships the hurt and betrayal you are feeling. If you do want to make your marriage work then you are already on the right path. A good counselor, possibly even a christian or relious-based counselor, would be a step in the right direction. And I want to back up what Kate said. The book "The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage" is an excellent book. I bought the book for me and the audio book for DH when we were separated a while back and it has some very insightful advice. Take care and know that we are all here to support and help you.

Tarra

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2003
Sat, 03-17-2007 - 4:13pm

I won't go ito details but I have been in your situation. I just want to let you know that it can get better. No gaurentee but it is possible.

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 03-17-2007 - 4:28pm
Just wanted to give you ((((hugs))))) and tell you again that I'll be praying for you, your husband and your son.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-2004
Sat, 03-17-2007 - 4:46pm

Julie


Im really sorry you are faced with this challenge and going through this, it's truly heart breaking. I've been been in your shoes, my husband was acting very distant, accusing me of things, picking fights so he can leave at night. I went through that for about 6 months before he actually left, I never suspected cheating until I finally caught him. Im glad he did admit to you about the cheating and he is willing to work things out. If you both want your marriage to survive, it will, but it's going to be tough, and it may take years to get through it. You have to be true to yourself and make a decision whether or not you can forgive him and move on. For some people, cheating is a deal-breaker, but also people do get over it and have happy marriages. Don't pressure yourself to make a decision, give yourself time to think about this, ask him questions, and he has to be willing to be very truthful with you and answer the questions you need answered. Please don't blame yourself, you mentioned in chat about putting some extra pounds on, but his cheating is his problem, not yours. As simple as that, he did it, not you, and there is NOT one excuse for cheating. I don't care if you weren't getting along, not having sex, whatever the reason is, the only reason why someone cheats is because they are weak and irresponsible. Im here for you, you will feel a lot of different emotions,but you'll be ok, and you'll get through it no matter what the outcome. If my husband would've came back and wanted to work on things, I would've tried to make our marriage work. Unfortunately, he kept making bad decisions and the door was no longer open for him, I have respect for myself,also not to let anyone take advantage and walk all over me. If you need anything you can email me:


kmassacci04@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2003
Sat, 03-17-2007 - 6:38pm

(((Julie))) I am very sorry you have to go through this :(


I can't say I know what you are going through, but if you want someone to talk to you are welcome to email me

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2005
Sun, 03-18-2007 - 12:34pm
Just wanted to pop back by and say if you would like to talk not on the message board my email is... wendygrrll@yahoo.com
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Mon, 03-19-2007 - 9:53am

((((((((Julie))))))))))

I know we talked Friday in chat, but I wanted you to know that you've been in my thoughts and prayers. Remember we're here for you.

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