Husband just a passenger....

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2003
Husband just a passenger....
26
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 7:22am
Hi all!

Wondering if any one feels the same way I do...

I feel like I am the conductor of the family "train" and my husband is just a passenger along for the ride! I make EVERY decision, what to feed the baby, WHEN to feed, what to dress her in, when to bathe her, when nap time is. Then, every weekend, I am supposed to make all the plans or he will be perfectly content to lay on the couch all weekend. If we go to church, or to a friends house or to the park, it's because I initiated it. And I pay all the bills and generally make all the decisions when it comes to the house, cars, etc.

I am TIRED of it!

Sometimes, I don't want to have to make another decision. My mind is constantly going about the next thing... what to do next...then he wonders why I don't have sex on my mind all the time like he does! Let me tell you why he can spend all his time thinking about sex... because that's all he HAS to think about!! Other than work, of course. He doesn't have to think..."what's for dinner today, tomorrow and the next day?" "Are we out of toilet paper? Toothpaste? Bread? Diapers?" "Did I pay the heating bill?" "Doesn't the baby have a doc appt coming up?"

And that's just today, this morning, before 7 am.

If any one else feels the same, tell me how you deal with the frusturation.

Thanks!

Melissa

Meldi
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2004
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 11:36am
Melissa,

I know how you feel. The closest of any of my family is 3 hours away. My husband's are anywhere from 3 to 5 hours so we have no babysitter and it's very stressful to not have any adult time. When they come to visit they don't want to babysit they want to see everyone. I don't blame them when they have such a long drive. You can email me if you need to talk I don't know anyone my age with kids around here. We moved up here 6 years ago and most of the people I know don't have children or have kids my age, who are out of the house and moved away to start their own families.

I'm sorry that your dh is being such a poop. It's not fun to have to run the show all of the time.

Jen

Mom to Sean 4-14-01 and Eric 9-11-03

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2004
Thu, 03-18-2004 - 1:46am
I understand EXACTLY how you feel. Did you read my mind? I go through cycles of being stressed, and really do miss work. I have it better off than you, though, since my husband would prefer that I go back to work. I made a little more money than him when I was working, so we had plenty of cash flow to buy his toys. So, if things don't get better, I can go back to work.

Since I've quit, the belt is tightened, and we can't eat out as often. So, I'm constantly making a mess of the kitchen. I hate being a slave to the kitchen, clothes, and floors. I'm hoping things will get easier as I find more shortcuts. The hardest part of all of this is, as you've said, making all of the decisions. They're usually minor decisions, but having the responsibility of taking care of everyone else all of the time, can really take a toll on me.

I'm trying to find some "me" time again. I have a one year old, and another due this summer, so I have to find time for now and then. I'm looking into gym memberships that have baby sitting, so I can have some time to blow off steam and concentrate only on myself, and my son can enjoy playing with other kids. I was going to a gym for a while, until they stopped baby sitting, and I think it helped a lot. I felt great physically, and was emotionally satisfied that he was having fun with the other kids. He loved it!

You do need time for yourself, so I'd look into outside assistance. I already told my husband that we have to find the money for a mother's day out program once our son is old enough. I love spending time with him, but I also realize that I need time for myself also. He's gotten a bit more clingy lately, so I think time away from mommy will be good for him.

As I was typing this, I wrote a couple of extra paragraphs of complaints, then deleted them since I thought they wouldn't help you. It did feel nice to get them out, though. I have a journal that I write in once in a while, and found that there are now more complaining entries than happy entries. I'm trying to fix that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2003
Thu, 03-18-2004 - 6:09am
Hi Emily,

Maybe you ARE me! I have a one year old (as of tomorrow, anyway) and another due this summer too! Let me ask you, how are you planning on dealing with that??

Most everyone I know just says, "Wow...that's going to be hard...." I'm scared, aren't you?

I think I'll start another post asking that very question.

Melissa

PS: dd and I go the the YMCA everyday. They have a great babysitting service (will watch for 2 hours at a time) and it's cheap, $65 a month for the whole family. Our Y is brand-new so we are lucky, but that's something to look into. I wouldn't give it up for the world!

Meldi
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2003
Thu, 03-18-2004 - 12:49pm
I feel for you. My husband will surprise me once in a blue moon and actually change my daughters diaper. What a shocker when this happens. I pretty much do everything with the exception of the finances which he does via the computer. I try not to complain too much because he has BiPolar and it often wipes him out so I have to catch him on a good day. I get darn tired of having to keep the family going. It is like being a single parent at times. I am sure my husband gets tired too having to work and make sure we can continue to live our lifestyle. If I do sit him down and talk with him he will be like "Just ask me and I will do it." He always says too that he is not a mind reader. I find that they often get so caught up in their work that they don't notice. I have to say though I was very very excited that he is taking me for our 11th Anniversary to see Clay Aiken and Kelly Clarkson in concert. We didn't get to celebrate our 10th because of his illness so I have no room to complain for a while. I think that is worth a few months of not complaining (HAHA). hang in there. I found COMMUNICATION is the key. Marriage is defintely hard work expecially when you have children.

Trish :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2003
Thu, 03-18-2004 - 2:01pm
Melissa,

Are we married to the same guy? blond hair about 6'3?

Shannon

Shannon


Pregnancy%20ticker
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2003
Thu, 03-18-2004 - 2:06pm
Sorry, 6' 2", dark hair, glasses.

Melissa

Meldi
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2004
Thu, 03-18-2004 - 4:33pm
ok Melissa,

I think we're married to the same man. I feel the same exact way. I live a life of details. I need to know what's for dinner tomorrow night, before I even cook for tonight. I love my husband but most of the time he's my 3rd child to take care of. I have been lucky enought to be a stay at home mom for 10 years now. I don't know if I should have used the word lucky or insane. But I have to do EVERYTHING! My husband travels a lot for work and I feel I'm just a single mom. I feel as if I don't need him in my life at the moment for any other reason than his paycheck. I know that's sad to say, but that's how I feel lately. If this is something that we have in common, please write back.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2004
Thu, 03-18-2004 - 9:42pm
OMG! It is like you are in my head. This is exactly how I feel sometimes. I have found myself biting my tongue b/c I just want to say I feel like a single mom to DH sometimes. But I do not b/c in my heart I know that I could not get along w/o him and vice versa. Even sometimes I have to remind the kiddos that there is another parent home when dh is home b/c they still come to me for almost everything. I think they we moms take some blame in this. I feel that he thinks I do everything is such an orderly fashion and so efficient that he is afraid he will mess it up. It is our job(once again)to make them understand that yes we want their help-even for little things- and yes we desperately need their help on many things or we will self combust.

Amanda mom to 4

mohsin6mosiggy thanks to Bianca(volt

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2003
Fri, 03-19-2004 - 6:26am
Hi everyone!

Well, we had (another) talk about it last night. He said (after I begged him to say SOMETHING, usually, he just clams up and tries to walk away when I try to tell him how I'm feeling about things) that he doesn't make any decisions because I'll tell him he's wrong. Honestly, I don't think that I do this.... but, according to him, I do.

The talk renewed itself because I went to get my hair done last night and when I came home, (8:15) dd was in bed. "Did you feed her a snack?" I asked. "No, she wasn't hungry." Then I got all mad. See, dd is recently weaned from the bottle and doesn't take much milk. If she doesn't eat enough in the day, she wakes up really (REALLY) early, like 4 am, just starving. I find that if I give her a snack before bed that she sleeps till about 6:30. So, when I heard that he didn't really try to feed her (you know, I'll try a couple of things, I can ALWAYS get her to eat something) I just got mad, thinking, he just doesn't care that I'll have to get up at 4 am and start my day. I was all stressed on the way home just thinking about everything that I had to do today (my mom's coming to town and it's dd's 1 year birthday party tomorrow) and to top it off, I hear, "Guess what? Your day is going to start off crappy and I don't care."

So I get all pissed and have to have a "talk" with him. Like, "why does he think that I get so frusturated with him." He just said that I worry and fuss over the little things too much. That he doesn't make any decisions because I tell him he's wrong (ex. blowing up when I walked in the door).

Turned out that dd slept till 6:15 anyway. Of course. I don't like being wrong (who does) but I was the bigger person and I swallowed my pride and apologized for freaking out on him. I said I was sorry and although I was surprised that she slept through (since she never has w/o the bed time snack) I was wrong to get mad.

Do I really worry too much about the small things? I guess. But it seems like this baby-raising is a series of small things, one after the other and that routine is important. I think he lives in the "now" and doesn't think about tomorrow.

Geez, ladies, I'm sorry that so many of you are in the same boat. My husband is not a bad guy really at all. He loves her like crazy. He is faithful and kind and funny and sexy. But he is also frusturating and maddening and a big baby himself sometimes.

Thanks for listening.

Melissa

Meldi
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2004
Fri, 03-19-2004 - 11:09pm
Guys just seem to be wired differently than us, and I'm still learning how to communicate. I know my husband can only focus on one thing at a time, so it's hard for him to think of the many things he could do to soothe dd when he's frustrated that dd is even crying. He'll usually try the same one or two things, then just give up.

You mentioned that your dh didn't give dd the needed snack since dd didn't want it. Well, we've been there also. If he was my dh, he was probably more interested in something else, and figured it was one less thing he'd have to do. My dh also has put dd to sleep early a few times since dd was fussy, then dd would wake up at 10pm just after I got home. I've told dh several times not to put him to bed early, so yesterday he asked me if it was time to put dd to sleep. I told him, "Yes, this is his regular bed time", and he replied that he just didn't know if dd had gotten his regular naps that day. So, his question was justified. There have been days (not often) when we get off schedule, and dd will end up staying up late or going down early depending on his naps, but I tell dh if that has happened. It's just easier on them if I think through everything, and just tell dh what I want help with, and when.

When it comes to dd, I can only ask so much of dh before he starts acting like it's a burden. That's when I usually take everything on myself again just so I don't have to deal with two babies. But, when I think about our new little one due this summer, I realize I need to train dh to do more so I won't go crazy later. It's as difficult as going through dd's teething, but it has to be done.

So, here's my plan. I need to effectively communicate what I want help with, and exactly when I want it done. I also have to find a way to let dh know that I will tell him when we're going off schedule, and to go by the original plan unless told otherwise. Lots of praise will be a must, because changing more than one diaper in an evening is a HUGE chore. ;) And, I have to determine how often we need to go over the schedule.

Typically, I'm not emotional, but this pregnancy has created a new "me". DH pays more attention to me when I cry, and it seems to happen more now. It really lets him know that I'm stressed, and he then starts doing more to help me out. I'm hoping I don't have to resort to using tears when I'm done with this emotional roller coaster, but now I know how to get his attention. ;) Sometimes my words just aren't enough.

btw - I figure I might go crazy the first 6 months with our new baby and our young toddler, but it should be easy after that. So, I'm just scared about going crazy for a while and the stress it will have on our marriage. We'll have to get through it with lots of prayers, but I'm sure the blessings will be great once we get into a routine.