Husband just a passenger....

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2003
Husband just a passenger....
26
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 7:22am
Hi all!

Wondering if any one feels the same way I do...

I feel like I am the conductor of the family "train" and my husband is just a passenger along for the ride! I make EVERY decision, what to feed the baby, WHEN to feed, what to dress her in, when to bathe her, when nap time is. Then, every weekend, I am supposed to make all the plans or he will be perfectly content to lay on the couch all weekend. If we go to church, or to a friends house or to the park, it's because I initiated it. And I pay all the bills and generally make all the decisions when it comes to the house, cars, etc.

I am TIRED of it!

Sometimes, I don't want to have to make another decision. My mind is constantly going about the next thing... what to do next...then he wonders why I don't have sex on my mind all the time like he does! Let me tell you why he can spend all his time thinking about sex... because that's all he HAS to think about!! Other than work, of course. He doesn't have to think..."what's for dinner today, tomorrow and the next day?" "Are we out of toilet paper? Toothpaste? Bread? Diapers?" "Did I pay the heating bill?" "Doesn't the baby have a doc appt coming up?"

And that's just today, this morning, before 7 am.

If any one else feels the same, tell me how you deal with the frusturation.

Thanks!

Melissa

Meldi

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 03-20-2004 - 5:26pm
this makes me wonder.........perhaps you guys are basing your assumptions of wohp on the actions of your spouses - trust me not all wohp are like your spouses. my dh is able to woh and still be very plugged into our family - no way would i consider him a passenger.

Jennie
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2004
Sun, 03-21-2004 - 3:08pm
I AGREE TOTALLY!! I am in the same situation!! I do everything, but work!! Actually I DO ALL THE INSIDE AND SOME OUTSIDE WORK!! WHile he gets to play and do what he wants! I have to do everything and anything! then if dan gets hurt then it is all MY FAULT!! ANd I have to be more careful with HIM!!

Then when we get food ordered in, he runs upstairs and I have to sit with dan and try to eat, while he gets free TIME!!

I admit my husband works really hard and I appreciate it! he works over 60 hours a week!!

At least you get to church-we hardly go, and I want to and he saids he will go-but when I dont KNOW!!

THen when dan is good, he is his son!! Then when he is bad, then he is mine!! THen I have to wake up early with him-EVERYDAY!! (excpet mothers day and my bd)

I AM THE RING LEADER OF THIS FAMILY, except when he is too tired, to go somewhere I want to go -then he will lay on the couch & watch SPORTS!!

Have things changed??? email me-christine020202@msn.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2003
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 10:50pm
Its nice to know that there are other mothers in the same boat! I have 2 kids, one is 3 (and a handful) and one is 3 months. My husband is old fashioned I guess, he goes to work & makes the money and I have to do the household & child-rearing duties. Whenever I get frustrated he'll just say "Maybe you don't enjoy being home, maybe you should go back to work" If I complain or tell him I am overwhelmed he says "So am I, try dealing with the stress of being the sole provider of this family" (we have financial stress as well) he often says "In this day in age women work, I can send you to work like the rest of them" I feel that just because I stay home I am not allowed to get frustrated or upset or ask for help. He tells me he can't relate to me anymore, I am always complaining & having a bad day. He says "You should be happy he put us in a big, beautiful home & we have 2 beautiful daughters together, but instead you are miserable" He does basically nothing around here. He rarely holds our new baby & has yet to change a diaper. He says he isn't into newborns. He has yet to bathe our kids. He is a "best friend" to my 3 yr old, he is good with her, and does take her off my hands now and again with the new baby, he adores her and says he can't wait for our 2nd one to get a little older. But as far as chores around the house, I do them all. Bills, I even walk the dog & often take out the garbage (he always forgets). He feels like I am a stay at home mom, most moms would kill to be in our situation and I am not happy. Always implies that maybe I am not cut out for it and maybe I should get a job at night or something (he says it to piss me off, knowing I will shut up quick). He goes out all the time, he is a very social guy, people person loves getting out. And since we live far from family that leaves me home all the time. When he is home is usually zones out in the recliner watching TV. He says to me that I never look like I am having fun that I have changed. Well having 2 kids and doing everything will get to ya I guess. He doesn't understand. I don't get a break! Even when I have to lay with my 3yr old to put her to bed, he can't hold the newborn for 10 minutes without getting frustrated. He isn't a monster he is a good person. He is a very helpful person too, just not with me!!! He has a good heart in general, but just takes me for granted and see's me as an emotional basket case that is lucky to be home and that I love to argue and this is how he is & I have to deal with it! I don't know. People love him, he has tons of friends when we met we had a blast, I like getting out too, I don't even know how to enjoy myself anymore I feel like. He often tells me I can go out & he'll watch the kids whenever I want, but I don't make any initiative. I get so tired though, I just feel like he's just saying that & that he'd be in over his head. I am rambling here. My husband loves his family but he is just insensitive to me. He is in & out constantly he often makes plans with people without my consent. He went on a couple of overnight bachelor party weekends recently and left me with the kids, he has the life - I swear. All wifes should be as good as me. I just don't want to be one of those wifes their man hates and talks bad about behind their back. I think I created a monster, I didn't put my foot down in the beginning, I don't want to complain & aggravate him all the time, I am afraid he will grow to hate me, if he doesn't already. Everyone tells me what a saint I am. He isn't ashamed of his male shovanist ways either he constantly tells people how useless he is and tells the other wifes on our block not to corrupt me with feminisn bull----. He is a big jokester. I know he sounds like the biggest jerk alive. He has many good qualities believe it or not. He is almost always in a good mood. He is fun, and has a good heart. He just doesn't see how a SAHM can be overwhelmed he feels his job is 10x's more stressful and he doesn't burden me with his work problems. I don't know we used to be so happy what happened? And he says he wants a 3rd kid??

Advice? My husband is like talking to a brick wall, we always end up arguing I am so tired of fighting. HELP!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2003
Wed, 06-30-2004 - 7:19am

The only advice I can give you is to go out and let him watch the kids.

   

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2004
Wed, 06-30-2004 - 2:06pm
(((((Hugs)))))

I read all of the posts, but there were so many that I don't have enough time to go back through all of them. Who has the DH who is 6'3 and blonde? That is my husaband!! My DH is also a great guy, but men really are wired differently!

I totally enjoy staying home with my two children - DD(5) and DS(almost 4), but my DH definitely doesn't understand how much work it is. Yes, I fully understand that he works hard 40 hours a week (that is not subtracting for lunches) but that's it. I appreciate that, but my job is 24/7. He doesn't realize how much I do in a days time. I think he thinks that I sit at home and watch T.V. all day. That couldn't be any further from the truth. HE is the one that complains ALL the time. Mostly that the house isn't clean enough. Well, when you have two kids it is hard to get anything done. I haven't even been able to write this so far without getting up 6 or 7 times to get them things. Anyway, as I clean the house they are trashing it right behind me. Out of all of MY friends and family we have the cleanest and neatest house, but it still isn't good enough for him. I thought about a post to see if anyone else has husbands who seem to be neat freaks.LOL He wants our house to be as neat and clean as his mom and dad's house. Hello....his mom only works three days a week and she doesn't have any kids and all of their stuff to contend with. If I didn't have two kids and I only worked 3 days a week of course our house would be spotless!! Our house is clean and neat, but for example he doesn't like all of my DD shoes just thrown on the floor of her closet - they have to be neatly matched up on her closet floor. Anyone who has kids knows that we are lucky enough that her shoes are even in her closet!! All of their toys have to be put away neatly and in their place before he gets home or he throws a fit..haven't you done anything today? Well, sorry honey the kids do like to play with their toys..LOL. I even made a toy room for them so that I wouldn't have to worry about the toys being out so much, but their toy room also must be cleaned when he gets home. He is just unreasonable. My friends and family even make comments when they come over about how clean and neat everything is and how they can't even imagine how I can do that with two kids. I have tried to tell him to look at how other people live and how their houses look, but his comment is it doesn't matter because we are not other people.

Anyway, I do have to do a lot each day. Some of you may understand and some of you may not, but on top of everything else I do on a daily basis my son has Hypotonia (low-muscle tone - the best way to describe it is carrying a child who is asleep - floppy, extra -heavy) so we have lots of extra Dr appointments and he gets Physical Therapy and Occupational Therapy every week. Through part of the Summer he is also getting Speech therapy. My DD was in a program called Safety Town for two weeks already this Summer along with dance classes. I am now in Physical Therapy for problems that I am having with my feet. When the kids were in school my DD had morning Pre-K and my DS had afternoon Preschool and they were at two different schools so that alone was 4 different trips without any of the other errands and things going on. I feel like I am constantly running around and never stop.

My DS wakes up off and on all night so I can't remember the last time that I have even been able to sleep through the night. My DH NEVER wakes up with him! He also doesn't chew his food so he has to eat soft or mushed things. I have never met a more luvable child and everyone adores him, but he does take a lot of extra time and energy. My DH doesn't even understand that though because I am always the one taking care of him. So he has definitely become a Mommy's boy, but that is fine with me. I love him to pieces!!

Like I said before I really, really enjoy being a SAHM, but when my DH complains about things not being done and I try to explain to him that I do a lot I get frustrated with him. I have told him before that I feel like he is a single guy - he comes and goes when he pleases. Usually to work on his old car or his dads old car - they go to car shows together. Like tonight. I told him that DD has dance class and asked if he could keep our DS just for a half hour and he said sorry.. dad and I are going to work on his car. All I wanted was a half hour and he couldn't give it to me. When he bought a new vehicle he said he would get something that was safer for the kids to ride in because I told him that his truck was not safe for the kids to be in. Well, guess what he got? He got a 2 door sports car, but wait, he said it has back seats and anyway he hardly ever has the kids. Well honey that is true. I have the FAMILY van to drive because I ALWAYS have the kids with me. I don't get to go anywhere without them not even my DR appointments or foot therapy.

So I really do understand how you feel! Thanks for letting me vent also. I have a lot more that I could say, but I better stop there. The kids need me again.


Beth - SAHM to Lauren (11-98) and Noah (8-00)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 06-30-2004 - 4:05pm
Hi Ladies,

I dont post alot, I have alot to say but sometimes I feel like you can say too much. Anyways here goes. I have BTDT to both of you ladies that are frustrated that your husbands dont do enough to help you out and dont understand how overwhelming it can be to stay home with the kids. My first husband was exactly like both of you described. We made an agreement when we had kids that I would stay home with them. He wanted to feel masculine and take care of his family (a womans place was in the home taking care of the kids). I did everything, cooked, cleaned, took care of the kids, paid the bills, etc, etc,... I even had to go to the grocery store at 10 at night after they went to bed if I didnt want to take them with me (I had two boys 4yrs apart, they are 18 & 14 now) Its also very hard to raise boys when their father isnt involved.

To make a long story short, my best advice to you ladies is you MUST talk to your husbands at a quiet time, not in the heat of battle, and let him know just how FRUSTRATED you are. Tell him exactly how you feel and tell him it is making you resentful of him. Dont let him get away with doing nothing. Make him do things. That was the mistake that I made... I let my husband get away with it for 15yrs. I became more and more resentful saying nothing and finally I had just had enough and left. I am one of those type people that lets things go on for a long time and then finally blows. It is a bad way to be and I see myself in you ladies about 12 years ago. If you love your husband, let him know how bad it is. Im saying REALLY put your foot down and make him understand... dont let him just say you are crazy and you'll get over it.

Im lucky enough to have gotten remarried to a wonderful man. He truly understands how frustrating it is to be a SAHM and helps with everything(I didnt know there was such a man out there)He talked me into having another baby (Im 44) and it is sooooo different with my daughter than it was years ago with my boys.

Please dont let it build up and resent your husband. I know how bad it can get.

~Mollie

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