I had an odd feeling yesterday.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2006
I had an odd feeling yesterday.
8
Tue, 09-12-2006 - 9:20am

I had an odd feeling yesterday.

Those who have known me since childhood know that mommy was never a job I wanted to sign up for. Even my mother will tell you that I played teacher as a child, not house. My nose was always buried in some book whenever possible, and one of the boys I went to school with even wrote a story in which I "ruled the world." Really, I wanted to be the first female president. Not a mother.

Then I got married. I had one miscarriage...then another....and then another. All of the sudden, all I could think about was becoming a mother, I felt as though it was a challenge. I wasn't going to fail, not at something even the stupidest of people succeed at almost daily. (judgemental, I know, but I really did think that) And for some odd reason, even though my relationship with Tim was falling apart, I wanted nothing more than to give him a child. I don't quite understand it myself, but I did. I knew in my head that a child doesn't fix a relationship, that it instead highlights the very things that are wrong. Yet...maybe my heart didn't listen. I dunna know. Maybe deep down, I really wanted one myself.

Then came Dylan...god, this baby is the light and joy of my life. He was laying in bed for snuggle time with me this morning, and I was watching him drift in and out of consciousness...his tiny face barely illuminated in the early morning light. I wanted to cry, he is so beautiful. I feel happy and an urge to protect him like I've never felt an urge to protect anything.

I know that he will probably be my only child.

But I felt an odd thing yesterday, all of the sudden I really wanted another baby. It was immediately followed by this inexplicable sense of sadness that I will not have that, at least not anytime in the forseeable future.

I blame my biological clock, the dam thing. I should figure out how to break it.








































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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2006
Tue, 09-12-2006 - 9:37am
((((Melanie))))

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Tue, 09-12-2006 - 10:35am

((((((((((((((Melanie))))))))))))))))))

Hang in there sweetie... you're so strong, even though I can imagine you are just flooded with emotions every day.

The bond between you and Dylan is so obvious... he is a very blessed little fella to have such an awesome mom :o)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2005
Tue, 09-12-2006 - 11:05am

((HUGS))


Sounds like an "AAAHHHHH" moment to me!!




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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Tue, 09-12-2006 - 11:34am
I felt that way after each child, thinking it was my last and now I know it is, its hard when Nicholas does something new, cause I know it will be the last time I see one of my children do it.
It is normal to feel the way you do :)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2003
Tue, 09-12-2006 - 1:50pm

(((((hugs))))) Melanie...I know

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2006
Tue, 09-12-2006 - 2:23pm
I know how you feel. I have two kids but I want one more and my husband says he's happy the way things are. But just knowing that he wants to be done makes me want one more. If I knew we were going to be done I think I would have made a more conscience effort to absorb things. WE always said we were going to have three and 2 years ago we tried for 6 months with no luck so we took a break and here we are with me wanting that third and him happy the way things are. Long story short we all have those feelings but just hang in there.
Sher
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2003
Tue, 09-12-2006 - 5:03pm

Melanie...I know what you are feeling trust me.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2005
Wed, 09-13-2006 - 9:48am

Hi Melanie


It took us 4 years before getting pregnant and we were blessed with a daughter.

4yrs ttc

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