I had an odd feeling yesterday.
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| Tue, 09-12-2006 - 9:20am |
I had an odd feeling yesterday.
Those who have known me since childhood know that mommy was never a job I wanted to sign up for. Even my mother will tell you that I played teacher as a child, not house. My nose was always buried in some book whenever possible, and one of the boys I went to school with even wrote a story in which I "ruled the world." Really, I wanted to be the first female president. Not a mother.
Then I got married. I had one miscarriage...then another....and then another. All of the sudden, all I could think about was becoming a mother, I felt as though it was a challenge. I wasn't going to fail, not at something even the stupidest of people succeed at almost daily. (judgemental, I know, but I really did think that) And for some odd reason, even though my relationship with Tim was falling apart, I wanted nothing more than to give him a child. I don't quite understand it myself, but I did. I knew in my head that a child doesn't fix a relationship, that it instead highlights the very things that are wrong. Yet...maybe my heart didn't listen. I dunna know. Maybe deep down, I really wanted one myself.
Then came Dylan...god, this baby is the light and joy of my life. He was laying in bed for snuggle time with me this morning, and I was watching him drift in and out of consciousness...his tiny face barely illuminated in the early morning light. I wanted to cry, he is so beautiful. I feel happy and an urge to protect him like I've never felt an urge to protect anything.
I know that he will probably be my only child.
But I felt an odd thing yesterday, all of the sudden I really wanted another baby. It was immediately followed by this inexplicable sense of sadness that I will not have that, at least not anytime in the forseeable future.
I blame my biological clock, the dam thing. I should figure out how to break it.



((((((((((((((Melanie))))))))))))))))))
Hang in there sweetie... you're so strong, even though I can imagine you are just flooded with emotions every day.
The bond between you and Dylan is so obvious... he is a very blessed little fella to have such an awesome mom :o)
((HUGS))
Sounds like an "AAAHHHHH" moment to me!!
It is normal to feel the way you do :)
(((((hugs))))) Melanie...I know
Melanie...I know what you are feeling trust me.
Hi Melanie
It took us 4 years before getting pregnant and we were blessed with a daughter.
4yrs ttc
2