i hate my FIL!! advice?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
i hate my FIL!! advice?
16
Tue, 04-27-2004 - 10:43pm
alright, here's a question that i thought i'd pose to ya'll since i'm not real sure what the "rules" are and at this point my emotions are probably clouding my thoughts a little. here's the deal. dh and i have 2 kids, a dd, Alleria, who is 4.5 and a ds who is 18 mo. Alleria is from my first marriage, but i have been with dh for over 3 years and Alleria considers him her daddy and his parents her grandparents. dh's mother is awesome with both the kids, considers Alleria her grandaughter and always has since the moment she met her. she buys both the kids equally great presents for bdays and holidays, and always sends each of them a card. Dh's dad, lets call him "bob," on the other hand, is an ___(insert derogatory adjective of your choice). for every holiday he sends one card, a boy card, with only ds's name on it. in it he sends a check, again, with only ds's name on it. for alleria? nothing. ok, am i being too picky or is that just WRONG?? dh is not close with his father, long story that brings us full circle to "insert derogatory adjective here" again. they only talk a few times a year, but 'bob' does get all our family info second hand from dh's mother and bro and sis. ('bob' and dh's mother are divorced, have been for years, but they still talk) anyway, when 'bob" pulled this crap at christmas we really needed the money for gifts, so we cashed it and sent a thank you card from both the kids, kinda a little "hint hint," right? then came easter, and sure enough, he did it again. this time i was debating whether to cash the check and ignore it, or send it back and say something, so i just held onto the check. dh is just as irritated as i am by the whole thing, but he kinda feels like his dad is a loser, always has been, and probably isn't going to change now, so we might as well just keep the money and buy both of the kids something nice. i feel like something should be said, because that's just messed up!

since dh and his father rarely talk, it's not something that can be casually dropped in conversation, so that makes it a little more awkward.

anyway, like i said i've just been sitting on the check trying to decide what to do with it. then today i get an email from "bob" that says:

Clarity, Brian,

I had sent an Easter card your way with a small check in it to buy the little guy some candy. I haven't seen it clear the bank yet, did you get it?

Say hi to my Grandson for me.

Dad

ARRRGH!! now what the heck do i do about that? i'm so freaking mad that i want to fire off a nasty reply, but i thought i'd wait and ask some other oppinions first. remember that "bob" is fully aware of alleria's existance, understands and has been told that brian considers her his daughter, and knows that grandma sends presents to both the kids, so this is in no way an 'oversight.' o, and the stupid check was for 15 lousy dollars, so it's not like we're losing out on the trump fortune or anything if we send it back, lol.

so what do you think? what would you do?

tia,

clarity

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2004
Wed, 04-28-2004 - 9:07am
Hi Clarity,

We have a similar situation in my family. My brother married a girl who had a daughter from a previous marriage. They had started dating when the girl was 1 1/2 or 2, I dont remember. My ds was her first real grandbaby and feels closer to my ds (my mom was in the room when he was born along with my dh). However, my mom would never buy or do something for my ds and not my brothers dd. She wouldn't want to hurt my brother like that! Plus she loves the little girl. We all do. She's a sweety.

My question is, what does your dh say about this? It is his father. How does he want to react? I would give him some options and if he doesn't have any insight maybe you should wait till you calm down alittle and give the grandfather a call or email and explain that this hurts your dd's feelings. If he reacts rudely or can't see where there is a problem, then maybe you should ask him to stop sending things. It's really hard to tell you what to do in this situation.

Has the grandfather ever visited or seen his grandkids? This may change the way he feels about your dd.

Good luck. I am sorry he is doing this to your dd.

Tanya

Avatar for my3girls2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 7:29am
Grrr!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 8:39am
I hope that I don't sound too cold saying this, but I don't know if there is much that you can do about this situation. Your FIL does sound like a big jerk, but the fact remains that your daughter is not his granddaughter, either biologically or legally (you didn't mentioned if your DH had adopted her or not, so I'm assuming she's not his granddaughter legally either). I'm not trying to excuse his behavior - it's a shame that a sweet little girl is being punished by a grownup who should know better. If I were you I would just try to shield her as much as possible from his attitude and continue to foster a relationship with your MIL as much as possible (thank God that she sounds like a good woman). You can mention to your FIL how you feel - I just don't think that it will change things. As far as the check goes, I guess you could send him a note and say "Thanks for the money - BOTH kids really enjoyed the candy that we bought THEM" or something like that. It really makes me sad to think of how your DD is going to feel when she is old enough to figure out what is going on - but hopefully by then she will have enough healthy, loving relationships in her life (you, your DH, your MIL) to make up for it. I wish that I could help more - good luck!

Paige

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 9:44am
lol, that is a gigantic pita isn't it? i've had that happen multiple times and it drives me batty. and now no one's siggy is working! arrgh! sure did miss the village yesterday, i love all my 'friends' here. i think you have a great idea, i think i'll try to get the nerve up to do it.

thanks,

clarity

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 9:52am
no, you don't sound cold at all. that's kinda why i was asking you all, because i'm not really sure if i have the right to 'demand' that or not. i mean, she really isn't his grandaughter legally or biologically, just emotionally and logistically, kwim? (dh can't adopt her because her bio father will not sign away parental rights.) but all the same, don't you think he should respect the way the rest of the family feels about it? granted, perhaps he doesn't HAVE to, but i guess i feel like he should have that much common courtesy. then again, no one has directly addressed him about it, so i think we should at least try before we give up on it. maybe if someone directly points it out to him he'll feel guilty, ya think?

clarity

Avatar for my3girls2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 10:34am
i DEFENITALY THINK IT IS WORTH A SHOT,, I mean you can't just go off on him with out atleast letting him know how you all feel,, some people are very old school and just don't get it!!
Avatar for lisacolette
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2003
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 11:06am
Your situation is similar to mine, only I've got a whole bunch of them in my family.

My maternal grandfather is a total jerk who doesn't care enough to write or call at all since my mom died. Until I was in my 20's, I never knew this. My parents split up any money evenly and said it was from "Grandpa". My grandmother died many years ago.

My uncle is a racist pig, and by pig I mean it in all ways. He's a cop too, no less. I never knew this either until after I was grown.

My sister is the nastiest person who tortured me incessantly when I was a child, so bad that I wanted to die rather than put up with it. My sons have no clue about that and think she's just fine.

I'm trying to say that you can gloss over your FIL's attitude and your kids won't have to be hurt by it. I don't have much contact with my sister, but I make sure my kids don't hear me say anything negative about her. She's talked about as if she's normal. My parents did that with me about my uncle and grandfather and I think it was the right and mature thing to do.

Your FIL will never change - his wife figured that one out. If you need to know why he does this, just ask. You may not like his answer, but you probably already know that. You may just have to forgive his idiotic nature, severely limit your contact with him and don't "dis" him in front of the kids. In time, they'll learn. In the meantime, you can also divy up the money equally and not tell the FIL.

In the end, it's not important that he send it to both kids if you don't reveal it to them. At least he cares enough to keep contact. Good luck!

Avatar for springolife
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2003
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 3:47pm

Hmm, I don't think you're the only one who has this problem.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 9:21pm
Yes, of course I think that he SHOULD repect how the family feels about your child - problem is, there's no way that you can FORCE him to (I know you know this). Since you mentioned that no one had really approached him about it, I think that should be your next step - it's worth a try. My advice would be to do it as respectfully and lovingly as possible (I'm sure that it will be hard - I would want to club him with a baseball bat until some sense was knocked into his head, but I don't think that's the best approach LOL). If you can do this respectfully and he still won't come around, then I would wash my hands of the situation and just continue to make your children's lives as peaceful and loving as possible without his negative influence. Good luck - your children are lucky to have 2 loving parents and at least one loving grandparent!

Paige

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-2003
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 11:10pm
I would be pissed too! That isn't right. Right now it isn't as bad..because ur DD may not realize that her name isn't on the gifts. But when she gets a little older..and starts asking to see it...it is going to break her heart. It saddens me that ur FIL could be like that. I would email him back and tell him how you and your husband feels. I would! I would set him straight. Put your husbands name on the end of the letter. That way ur FIL will see that it isn't just YOU "who just wants extra money" because he may think that if you sign your name. But if your DH signs his name then it won't look as bad. You don't have to be mean in the email..just explain to him.

Christy

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