i hate my FIL!! advice?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
i hate my FIL!! advice?
16
Tue, 04-27-2004 - 10:43pm
alright, here's a question that i thought i'd pose to ya'll since i'm not real sure what the "rules" are and at this point my emotions are probably clouding my thoughts a little. here's the deal. dh and i have 2 kids, a dd, Alleria, who is 4.5 and a ds who is 18 mo. Alleria is from my first marriage, but i have been with dh for over 3 years and Alleria considers him her daddy and his parents her grandparents. dh's mother is awesome with both the kids, considers Alleria her grandaughter and always has since the moment she met her. she buys both the kids equally great presents for bdays and holidays, and always sends each of them a card. Dh's dad, lets call him "bob," on the other hand, is an ___(insert derogatory adjective of your choice). for every holiday he sends one card, a boy card, with only ds's name on it. in it he sends a check, again, with only ds's name on it. for alleria? nothing. ok, am i being too picky or is that just WRONG?? dh is not close with his father, long story that brings us full circle to "insert derogatory adjective here" again. they only talk a few times a year, but 'bob' does get all our family info second hand from dh's mother and bro and sis. ('bob' and dh's mother are divorced, have been for years, but they still talk) anyway, when 'bob" pulled this crap at christmas we really needed the money for gifts, so we cashed it and sent a thank you card from both the kids, kinda a little "hint hint," right? then came easter, and sure enough, he did it again. this time i was debating whether to cash the check and ignore it, or send it back and say something, so i just held onto the check. dh is just as irritated as i am by the whole thing, but he kinda feels like his dad is a loser, always has been, and probably isn't going to change now, so we might as well just keep the money and buy both of the kids something nice. i feel like something should be said, because that's just messed up!

since dh and his father rarely talk, it's not something that can be casually dropped in conversation, so that makes it a little more awkward.

anyway, like i said i've just been sitting on the check trying to decide what to do with it. then today i get an email from "bob" that says:

Clarity, Brian,

I had sent an Easter card your way with a small check in it to buy the little guy some candy. I haven't seen it clear the bank yet, did you get it?

Say hi to my Grandson for me.

Dad

ARRRGH!! now what the heck do i do about that? i'm so freaking mad that i want to fire off a nasty reply, but i thought i'd wait and ask some other oppinions first. remember that "bob" is fully aware of alleria's existance, understands and has been told that brian considers her his daughter, and knows that grandma sends presents to both the kids, so this is in no way an 'oversight.' o, and the stupid check was for 15 lousy dollars, so it's not like we're losing out on the trump fortune or anything if we send it back, lol.

so what do you think? what would you do?

tia,

clarity

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Fri, 04-30-2004 - 8:22am

I think it is really up to you and what you think should be done. If it is that important, then do say something. The children will be old enough soon to relize what is going on and it won't be so easy later on to say something, since you let it go on for so long. Your FIL will not understand why it took you so long to say something.
Maybe he does not relize how much this makes you guys mad. Try talking to him and see how things go.
Either way, good luck.


Mel

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-29-2004
Fri, 04-30-2004 - 2:40pm
i was in this situation when i first met my hubby, i to have dd who is from a previouse relationship and i met dh when my dd was 9 months we have been together ever since and from the time we got into the relationship dh has always thought of her as just his( he is the only father that she has ever known) everyone in his family took to my dd right away except for his grandmother ( dh's fathers mother) she was really mean in the beggining i mean to where she wouldnt even acknowledge my dd at all we would goto family partys and my dd would say hi and she wouldnt respond in anyway and when i had my second dd it bacame really bad, she would only send my second daughter presents or money and would only say hi to my second daughter and not my first.so i got very sick of it and stopped going to any family functions, when dhs father found out how i felt he talked to his mother and ever since she has been nice she says hi to my dd, although i found out that it wasnt my dd that she didnt like it was me, (she thinks im a bad person because i had my dd out of wedlock). but as long as she is kind to all my children i really dont care how she feels about me.

my advice to you is why dont you or your dh talk to his father and tell him how you feel it might change him or it could do nothing and he could still be a bleep, but atleast you will have your peace in knowing that you told him how you felt what harm could that do?

well i hope it works out for you

jessica,sahm to three beautiful babys (and hopefully one more:))
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2003
Tue, 05-04-2004 - 1:15pm
Clarity, I'm so sorry I wasn't here when you posted this thread! I've been sick with either ongoing secondary strep infection or mono (I didn't go to the doctor until the very last minute, by then she thought tests would not come out accurately so I've been sort of suffering through it) PLUS finals this week. UGH! So I have not been on the net much lately.

You wouldn't beleive how similar my situation is (was) to yours with your in laws!! My DH adopted my DD two years ago this summer, so it's "sort of" resolved with his family. When I met DH, my DD was just barely two years old with no father listed on the birth certificate (much different senario than yours in this area). We hadn't been together for very long when we found out that we were expecting our son, so immidiately, he asked me if I would consider him DD's father, with plans for adoption as soon as we could financially afford it. Of course I was THRILLED. Well, his family couldn't seem to make up their minds!!! His mother had DD call her "grandma", and bought her presents, but when it came down to it, she said that she wasn't part of the family!! Talk about mixed signals!! I was SO upset, how does a two year old understand that this lady was "grandma", but she wasn't part of the family?? Well, to avoid confrontation, DH wanted to hurry up (ended up taking a couple of years!) and get the adoption legal so they would have no grounds to talk their crap. It was very heartbreaking, and DD understood WAY too much of the situation at such a young age! So, now she's legally his DD, no one says anything anymore, but.... she's still not treated the same. :( I can tell there has been a lot of improvement towards her, but she's always an outsider. I have never seen a more honest 7 yr old, but if she dares to argue with her cousin (who is her age, and a horrible reputation already for lying), my DD is automatically in the wrong, everytime. It makes my blood boil! At my DS's birthdays, we don't have room for everyone who wants to wish him a happy birthday, but for DD's birthday... people seem to have other plans all the time, and one or two MIGHT "stop in" to tell her happy birthday. It's SOO frusterating, especially since she is 7 yrs old now, and knows what's "fair" treatment.

As for my FIL, he's a jerk. He lives here in town (VERY small city), and I have not laid eyes on him since last July. He makes it a point of calling DH once in a blue moon, and asking him for "favors" to get him away from our family so he can just see him. When he does call DH, he will ONLY call him on his cell phone, EVEN if he KNOWS he's home!!! One time I answered his cell phone and he acted like he was shocked that I dare answer my DH's phone (which is TECHNICALLY in MY name!). He claims that it's because he can never remember our house number (which is easier to remember AND find in the phone book!!). IF FIL acknowledges any birthday's it's ONLY our son's birthday, and always happens to be hunting on DD's birthday. At least he's pretty much a jerk all around, though. Our problem is the same as yours though... DH just doesn't talk to him enough to approach the subject at all. He tells me "I'm just happy to get to talk to my Dad, I don't wanna make him angry" While I see this point he makes, I can't help but think he's being a LITTLE bit selfish. I also think he might be a little bit intimidated by his dad (eventhough my DH towers over FIL in size and strength) because he was abused by him growing up. I am just thankful that he's not very involved in our lives, but when he is, he only wants to see DH and DS.

As for the adoption issue, have you consulted an adoption attorney? Does your DD's biological father pay child support? Does he see her? I ask this, because even if he's a jerk and refuses to sign away parental rights to DD, if he's not pulling his weight as a parent, your DH can legally TAKE rights away from him. IF he's not supporting her financially, and your DH is, DH CAN pursue adoption without his permission, and IF the bio father fights it, he would have to fork over EVERY penny he owes before he could even stop the proceedings. When we went through the adoption with our DD, even though there was no father listed, they had to take action to "attempt to notify the bio father". Even though there was no chance in H*** he was going to show up, we asked what would happen if he contested the adoption, and the lawyer told us he would have to fork over every penny of back child support before he could even postpone the proceedings. Of course, I am fully aware that ever adoption senario is different (which is why it was so difficult to get any sort of answers about anything until we did take legal action). I just wanted to let you know from my experiances the info we found out. Maybe there's still hope somewhere ;)

Let me know how it turns out for you!

Angie

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Tue, 05-04-2004 - 7:02pm
HEY ANGIE!!! long time no see sweetie! i'm always glad to hear from you as it seems like we live parallel lives much of the time, lol. deepest sympathy on finals week, i'm slogging through it myself. only two more finals left, but i have a million and one things due at the last minute..."sigh." but hey, only one more week, i can take anything for a week! dh said something the other day to the effect of "wow, it sure will be nice when this school obsessed fiend goes back into hiding and i get my wife back!" i just looked up from my books for a sec and grunted, lol. i took waaay too many classes this semester-18 credit hours-and that's something i will NEVER do again, it was biting off waaay more than i could chew! but i think i'm finishing the 'mester with 4 A's and a B, so that works for me. best of luck on yours :)

so you're in the same boat with the blended family crap huh? that pisses me off to no end. i just can't see making a little kid feel unloved because you're too small of a person to accept that families come in all shapes, sizes, and from all different parents. it's so petty and cruel! arrgh. i've been holding off on answering the email or doing anything at all because i've been so swamped everywhere else (i'm sure you can relate!) but i think i'm going to do it tonight. My dh is just like yours, not only was his dad abusive, but he's still a complete jerk, so dh just wants to avoid him as much as possible. and i guess if he's determined to be a jerk then there's nothing i can do about it, but i can at least say my piece and get it off my chest. from then on out it's HIs problem, not mine, kwim?

we're kinda stalled with the adoption, partly from lack of funds and partly because we are still trying to get child support out of alleria's bio father. we've been fighting for a year, sometimes we get it and sometimes we don't, but we really need the muhlah so it's worth the fight at the moment. what we're hoping for is that when the court finally catches up with the ex and starts garnishing his wages, he'll suddenly see the light in signing away parental rights. that would be the easiest and cheapest way to go about it, so that's what we're hoping for. he hasn't seen or talked to alleria in over 3 years, so it's not like we have much dealings with him anyway, lol. since we can't afford the attorney fees at the moment, that's our only real hope.

anyway hon, i'm glad to see you back in the village. good luck with finals, and for gods sake get better!! mono, strep, AND school?? now that's a joke!!

clarity

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2004
Tue, 05-04-2004 - 8:01pm
You have to choose your battles in life, and this isn't one I'd choose. If someone gets to age 50 or older and is a certain way, do you realistically think that a suggestion or comment from you is going to change them? Nope. It might make you feel better for an instant, but nothing is likely to change and you will still be pissed off and the FIL will be too. If it is one thing if your motivation is to cause your FIL to have a more loving and close relationship with his grandchildren, but that really isn't the goal. Your a bit ticked off, and the goal is to kind of tell him off.

Your husband's mother and the FIL are divorced and your husband barely talks to him. If you really wanted the FIL to be a good grandfather, you would need to start by having your husband establish a better relationship with his own father. BUT it sounds like, this distant, barely having a relationship is working for everyone. I mean what if you talked to your father in law about being closer to his grandchildren and he decided to move in with you (YIKES!!).

I would say your choices are to cash the check, buy another card and gift for your other child and put the FIL's name on it and have a good laugh over the scam you're pulling.

And be thankful that your husband is not going to follow in his father's footsteps.

OR

2) Have your husband reach out to his father, form a closer relationship with him and eventually include both your children into the relationship as well.

Your choice BUT I think you'd prefer the one where You see your FIL LESS...wouldn't you?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2004
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 5:02pm
This is very difficult for you... and yes "bob" sounds like an &@%$*! but, the proper thing to do is accept the gift and thank him on behalf of both kids. Ultimately he loses out!

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