I have a touchy question for some....

Avatar for shmode
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Registered: 03-26-2003
I have a touchy question for some....
18
Fri, 04-04-2003 - 8:47am
Dh and I had a really long talk last night and it seems that he did something he regretted doing (I'm not gonna say what, but he didn't cheat on me) and it hurt really bad. We had quite the night of crying and make up sex(LOL!I know TMI!) but it was a rough nite(yet, ended good!;)). I'm havin a bit of a rough time with the .... thing... he did, but i need to know how to move on. I've forgiven the act but it still hurts, is time gonna be the only thing to heal this? I know it's confusing but for my marriages sake(which is not in trouble..now) I'd rather not say what the specific act was.

Any help would be appreciated.

jody

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Avatar for mommyniece
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-04-2003 - 9:04am
Super duper big HUGS! I wish I could offer something else.

Denise

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Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 04-04-2003 - 9:09am
HUGS Jody. At least he told you and you guys talked about it. I think you will have to keep talking to work it through. Maybe even a session with a marriage counsellor is in order. I don't know how serious it is but it sounds like although you want to work through it, you may have a little trouble actually doing it. Lots of hugs. I feel for you and hope you work through it okay. Judy
Avatar for threerugratz
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-04-2003 - 9:12am
First of all, great big ((((HUGS)))). I am a person who has a hard time getting over something that hurts me. I always have been. Not much help so far am I? Sorry. I just wanted you to know that even though I don't know the details I think I can understand what you are feeling now. My dh and I have had similar situations where I've been hurt, we make up and I move on so to speak, but I'm still feeling the hurt. I can't get over things that easily when they hurt me. Keep talking things through as necessary. I'm not saying to replay it over and over and make him feel like crap. Just share how your are feeling with him. He loves you and I would guess he wants you to feel okay about all this and will be willing to do what it takes to help things feel right for you. I think some of it will just take time. At least for me, I just need time sometimes for the sting of a hurt to lessen. I think my dh thinks I hold a grudge, lol, but really it just takes me awhile to work through being hurt. Sometimes I'm distant about some things simply because I think I try to protect myself that way without even realizing it.

My dh and I have hit some rough spots in our marriage (not saying you are) and they were hard but we worked through them. We have been married for almost 14 years so I hope that means we are doing something right. When you work through the bumps along the way, you need to remember how much you love each other and that's why stuff that hurts hurts.

I'm really sorry I can't help more. I'm sorry you were hurt. If you want to talk I'd be happy to listen. Email me or IM me.

Hugs, Lisa

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-04-2003 - 9:12am
(((((HUGS)))) Hon,

I'm gonna assume it was some kind of broken trust issue. Those are tough, you've forgiven him and you've talked it out so that's a wonderful start!

That being said it takes a looooong time to get over a broken trust and it takes work on both your parts. He has to keep proving himself and you have to go with the blind trust, hard sh!t. I have btdt and it's easier now but it took a long time(dh didn't cheat but the trust was broken)

I don't know if I've helped or not, it wouldn't be fair to keep bringing it up if you've forgiven him but he needs to understand that it does take a long time to earn the trust and build it back up to where it was. If you need reassurance each and every week for the next 5 yrs then so be it kind of thing.

hth ((((HUGS)))), I'm glad you guys talked it out, communication is *the* most important step!

G/L

Tracy

Avatar for cl_nestey
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Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 04-04-2003 - 9:29am
Hi Jodes,

I don't know what to say to help. Just that I think it will take time for you to get past this....it's not easy to get over hurt, esp when it's been caused by a loved one.

I'm glad you were able to talk it through, and I hope that Ken will make it up to you.

We can't turn off our feelings but hopefully as the days pass, you'll be able to look at your DH in the same light as you did before this happened.

Hugs,

Melissa

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Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 04-04-2003 - 11:40am
Hey Jody, I could tell you were distant last night when I buzzed you, I'm really sorry you were having a difficult time. When trust is broken, it is one of the hardest things to repair, not impossible, but it will take your dh some time to give you the comfort that he will never break your trust again. One thing that will make things really hard is if this specific problem keeps re-surfacing and you "hold it against him", which will cause lots more arguments and grudges. From talking with you I get the impression that you and dh are strong and have what it takes to work through this, all you can do is accept his attempts to right his wrongs and have faith again. once, shame on you, twice, shame on me. Believe that he won't do it again and let your trust rebuild, it's okay to forgive and have faith, he is after all, a human. Good luck and I hope he proves to you that you are his angel and he'll be trustworthy.
Avatar for momski98
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-04-2003 - 1:04pm
I am so sorry to hear you are going through something so painful. I wish I had some words of wisdom to make it better for you.

Timm and I have gone through something like that ourselves. Not the cheating thing either, but something that broke my trust. It took a long time to get over and not hurt anymore. I guess sometimes it still stings a bit when I think about it too much. What worked for me? I wish I could tell you. I guess one thing that helped was the look in his eyes. I could see that he "got it." That he knew how much he'd hurt me and that he truly felt terrible. I saw pain, regret...even fear in his eyes. Just knowing that he *knew* I was hurting helped a lot. Time...yes, that was a factor. It got better with time. I don't know if you are religious, but that was also something that really helped me. A lot of prayer, self reflecting. Evaluating our relationship, myself, him....putting everything into place and perspective.

One thing I do really believe in though...If you say that you are forgiving him, you really need to find a way to do it and get passed it. (Notice I didn't say "over" it...but passed it.) It can't be something that will always come up and be an issue any time there is a different "issue" going on between you. This one should be talked about, dealt with, grieved over, and then moved on. It might take a while. Find someone you can talk to about it ~ just unloading your grief and hurt will help a ton. I didn't feel like I had anyone and kept everything to myself. Just a few weeks ago, I ended up telling my SIL and, even though I had moved passed it and put it in the past, it felt so much better that I had actually gotten to tell someone of my pain.

I'm always around if you need anything. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers.

Hang in there, hon!!

(((HUGS)))

Allyn

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Fri, 04-04-2003 - 1:50pm
I am pretty new at this...you may have to bear with me.

First of all, you have to determine WHY he did this thing: Was he angry? Hurt? Selfish? Ignored? You have to determine if this is HIS problem or yours collectively. Then you have to decide if the THING has a high probability of happening again. If not and he is willing to REALLY work on gaining back your trust and putting HONOR and HONESTY and RESPECT back into your marriage, THAT is when I think it will be easier to deal with. You may have trouble until you start seeing his efforts, but it is VERY important to let him know that you see his baby steps and improvement. Guys don't normally understand HOW to fix something as well as they know that they want it fixed. If he is putting forth effort at all, let him know that you see it and he'll continue. So many times these kinds of problems start because we all start taking things for granted. We ALL have to put as much effort into appreciating what our significant other does as we put into doing things for them! I am also to blame, and believe me, once you start expecting things from them, they give up--the guys want to know that they are NEEDED not EXPECTED to do stuff physically and emotionally...you guys thank my mother-in-law for this bit of advice. She told me this some time back...she's been there, too, and YEARS of counseling have brought my in-laws back to looking at each other with those sparkling eyes and goofy giggles. I SWEAR! :o)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 04-04-2003 - 2:28pm
I don't have any advice but (((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))) to you..channon
Avatar for shmode
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-04-2003 - 2:33pm
Oh Denise, Hugs are exactly what I needed my friend....jody

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