i need to vent!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2007
i need to vent!
4
Sun, 10-16-2011 - 12:36pm
My sister in law is pregnant. That is great and I am excited for her. It has been a long journey for her and they previously turned to adoption, they have a beautiful 7 year old boy (from Russia).
What bothers me is her attitude. My mother in law and I went to our anual rummage sale day with her and she kept saying when we showed her cute baby stuff "we don't have to rely on others to buy stuff for us". I felt like that was a personal slam pb me...my husband were in pretty bad financial circumstances when we had out 3 children. Of course we gladly accepted gifts. People like to spoil babies.
She also decided she doesn't want her inlaws (my husband is her husbands younger brother so also my inlaws) even waiting at the hospital when she has the baby. She says she wants the whole experience and bonding and all that. Isn't part of the experience letting others be excited? We have no intentions of being there so this isn't about me...I just feel bad for my mother in law feeling hurt.
And she had previously invited us to come (and stay in their huge house) for Christmas (baby is due in Dec.) And now told me that is too much with a new baby. I can respect that. We only live an hour away so we were planning on just coming for part of the day. But I feel like she doesn't want us or anyone to be involved in her child's life. I joked that as long as she at least let's me hold her there will be no hard feelings. Her response was that she will have a lot of hand sanitizer on hand.
To be honest I am worried. She (just like all pregnant moms) has a way she hopes everything will be. I am worried that she doesn't realize that you cannot control everything! Natural both, perfect easy breastfeeding, bonding imediately after birth...I am worried she will fall apart if it isn't all exactly like that. (doesnt gestational diabetes have a higher rate of c section?).
It is not like I plan to be a meddling aunt...but it isn't wrong to want to eventually meet my niece and share my sister in laws excitement. We plan on giving her all the space she needs and wait until Christmas to even go.
Anyone else ever go through something similar? Where you wish you could say something but you can't or maybe shouldnt?
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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2000
Mon, 10-17-2011 - 1:16pm
BTDT. SIL was the same way, and nothing changed after the baby came. She had problems breastfeeding. She would ask for advice, then slam it behind my back. She would only invite her family over and leave our side out. It got to the point where I stopped calling and left her alone. Nothing has been the same since, and it's been over four years now. I found out about a year ago that she did have PPD, but that hardly excuses her behavior for the past 3+ years.

I don't have any words of wisdom for you, but I wanted to let you know that I have "one of those" in my family too, so I understand.

I'd just leave her alone and let her know that you're there if she needs anything.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-15-2001
Mon, 10-17-2011 - 2:26pm
Wow yeah.... I don't really know what to say about all that. I agree to just give her space right now and see what happens. Hopefully once the baby is here things will smooth out. I'm guessing since she is finally pregnant she's a little more worried about stuff... I don't know. I know they do more monitoring toward the end with GD but don't know about the increased risk for C-section. Hopefully it does all go like she planned or if not that she can learn to roll with what happens.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2006
Wed, 10-19-2011 - 6:26pm

Hi!

This women sounds alot like I was with our first child.

Ande and Noah
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Thu, 10-20-2011 - 4:53pm
I agree that she may be a little overly worried since she's waited so long for this. Asking MIL not to even come to the hospital may be a little much, but I understand her wishes to be allowed to bond with the baby. DH and I had a strict rule that nobody but the two of us would be allowed to hold the baby for at least 2 hours after the birth. Well it ended up not being an issue as we weren't even allowed to hold him but that's another story. Of course I have no idea what your family is like or what her level of confidence is with a newborn but we felt that we really needed to protect each other from our mothers because they can both be opinionated and (mine especially) like to just take charge where babies are concerned. We also felt a little uncomfortable with relatives buying things for us and expressed several times that we didn't "need" them to help, but like you said, people like to spoil babies. I would suggest you do two things: 1) talk to her and 2) give her space. You might tell her how excited you and the rest of the family are and that you know that she is fully capable of providing for her baby but that she should probably expect people to buy her lots of things and that its just kindness that makes them do it. I'd try to make it about other people (non-specific), not about you so she doesn't feel like she's got to fight you off. She may also need a little reassurance that everything will be fine. With her taking back the invite to stay for Christmas, it sounds like she may be getting nervous about how difficult it might be. After you have this talk, I'd back off. Let her do what she wants with the information but know that you've kind of passed the olive branch. I'm sure she's just nervous. Plus the baby is due in December, in the middle of cold and flu season so its understandable that she'd be cautious about visitors and who holds the new baby and all that. To be honest, she sounds a lot like I did. I also turned a deaf ear to lots of relatives too, but mostly because I had a few interactions with people who very rudely joked and scoffed at our plans for natural birth, bonding and breastfeeding. After that I just quit telling most people about what we were doing because that criticism really bothered me. I tell you this because you don't want her to feel that way. I think you are right that she'll fall apart if things don't go according to plan, but I'm not sure any amount of preparation can change her emotions at that point. Just let her know that you are there if she needs you, call to check on her, but give her that space if she feels like she needs it. Sounds like she's lucky to have a SIL like you. :)

Manda :)