I really lost my temper. Feeling awful.
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| Mon, 03-15-2004 - 1:08pm |
I've never posted here before, but I am a stay-at-home mom to two preschool-aged girls. I am hoping that others can relate and maybe offer some thoughts.
My two girls are wonderful. I consider myself lucky to be their mother, and they are normal, sweet little girls who are loved very much. I guess that's why I feel so guilty about losing it last Friday.
The entire day was an endless series of my oldest (just turned 4) bugging her sister, taking things away from her, bossing her around, not minding, making huge messes and being uncooperative about cleaning them up with me, etc. I know these behaviors are normal for her age, but I just didn't handle it well. The entire morning was a nightmare and I slowly felt my anger rise throughout the day. I was so frustrated.
I calmly told my daughter it was time for a time out. I just couldn't take any more. She ran under the kitchen table and refuse to come out. I finally had to remove her myself. We got half way up the stairs and she refused to move. That's when I completely lost it and screamed, "WHY CAN'T YOU LISTEN TO ME??!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU??". I didn't scream that loud, but the voice that came out of me sounded like something from The Exorcist.
I'm so ashamed. I'm feel so guilty. I feel like I've traumatized my daughter. She ran upstairs crying and then she started choking. I wanted to call social services on myself. I will be very frank and say--if someone saw the scene in that house--they would have thought I was a really bad mother with a horrible temper.
I apologized to my daughter and told her that mommy was wrong for yelling and hurting her feelings. I told her that sometimes mommies make mistakes too and that she didn't deserve to be talked to that way.
Still, I feel like a complete failure and a bad parent.
Can anyone relate? I welcome ANY thoughts, insights and opinions. I am truly wondering if I am the only parent who ever feels this way or loses it like this. I guess I'm wondering if this is normal or if my behavior was totally off the charts.
Thank you for reading.
Glowstar

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Jen
Mom to Sean 4-14-01 and Eric 9-11-03
Wow! I feel so supported by all of your posts. I feel like you understand. I do appreciate each bit of wisdom that all of you had. Thank you...so very much!
It's nice to know I'm not alone. It's also nice to be reminded that I AM only human. I'm not perfect. I think when you really internalize the notion that--I don't have to be the perfect parents 24/7---it allows you to relax and give yourself a break. Thank you...all of you, for helping me to do that.
lovinmy3--you reminded me that sometimes hugs can reduce the tension. Thanks for that. I've heard before that when you're about ready to lose it, that hugging your children helps to melt that adrenaline away. Wow...3 boys! Thanks for your opinion.
Mel--thank you.
lisacolette--YES, I think you are spot on about my child using my guilt to manipulate me. I have witnessed this before. Usually, she feigns an "ouchy" during a confrontation. She'll pretend she's hurt when I try to discipline her. My husband pointed out her academy-award winning "I've got an ouchy" performance--cuz I didn't see it. I think you're right that she could use my guilt in the future and I need to be aware of that. Thanks!
(((hugs)))) to you too Kerri. It's nice to feel supported and not alone in this. I appreciate your message.
Mykidsgreat2003--Thank you for pointing out the difference between good/bad parents. Good parents make mistakes, but they acknowledge them and take responsibility. Bad parents don't even think about the consequences. That's so right. I cared about how my daughter felt. I think that counts for something. Great advice.
Melissa, You and lisacolette are correct. I need to be firm and not let my dd use my guilt as a weapon against me. Regarding the time out question--She was under the table and I told her to come out because she was going to time out. In our house, time out is 3-5 minutes in my younger daughter's crib. I put her in there, explain why she is there and then she does her time. After the time is up, I sit her down and we re-discuss why she was in time out. My children absolutely HATE time outs. So they work really well. I hope that answers your questions. Thanks for all of your comments. You are a good mommy. It sounds like you have a full plate and that you are doing really well. Your oldest finally accepted the younger sib and that speaks volumes about your patience and parenting skills. Kudos to you.
Jen, I hear what you are saying and I totally agree. I LOVE hearing about screaming Italian families. I think it's so healthy and wonderful that your parents could be imperfect, but at the same time you knew you were loved. Part of the reason I'm experiencing so many challenges, is because I grew up in a horrendously abusive home. Screaming was all I ever heard. And the screaming was the least of the abuse. I struggle with wondering if my emotions (anger, rage) are normal, because I have no role models for healthy anger. That's why I wrote this message, in part. I needed to hear that being angry--although not optimal--is ok. My husband repeatedly tells me I'm too hard on myself and that I'm trying to be emotionally perfect with the children, because my childhood was so traumatic. I guess that's true. Your message was just what I needed. I really needed to hear that children can see anger, imperfection and normal feelings from parents--but still feel loved. This doesn't mean I'm going to scream at them daily now! I just really needed to hear what you shared and I thank you!
Melissa--thank you too. I think being firm is essential too. I would think one of the worst things for a child is to feel that the grown ups are not in charge. Children will test our boundaries, but those boundaries need to be there in order for children to feel safe. I agree with what you are saying, completely!
Thanks to everyone for the dialogue. I really appreciate it and you helped me out when I needed a soft place to land.
(((((hugs)))))) Glowstar
I'm so happy that my post made you feel better. It's not always easy posting the thing that may make people mad especially when the other posts did not agree with your stance.
It's sounds like you are doing a wonderful job at parenting. I don't think I could ever go 4 years without raising my voice.
Glad to hear that you are feeling better.
{{{{Hugs}}}}
Jen from the yelling, loud, imperfect Irish Italian household.
Mom to Sean 4-14-01 and Eric 9-11-03
anyway, that's my two cents, hope you're feeling better!
clarity
I think that we are killing ourselves as parents these days. I mean, we know that spanking is out and that yelling should be out and that we should just sit and explain to a 2 year old why you don't scream and go mental in the store when you want something. And then make them write a 3 page essay on "Why I Was Bad". It's just nuts. I mean, we were all raised with parents who yelled, parents who spanked, heck, parents who wielded the belt! And yet WE are supposed to re-write the book on child-rearing when it's been done the same way since caveman times? What do we know?
And you notice? What do we have? Bad, bad kids running the show. I must say it's worse with parents who work (not being partial, it's just true. They don't want to spend the daily 2 hours of child-time disciplining) but we are all running scared. Kids DON'T need to feel good, or special, or validated every minute of the blessed day.
Can I get an AMEN?
ha ha.
Melissa
Edited 3/19/2004 1:59 pm ET ET by 3kmom
I sent this to you because it was replied to me. I'm not sure if you were just relpying or if you meant it specifically for me.
PS my wise husband says.....the studies don't know our kids or our feelings they just make general statements so they can have funding and still have a job.
I think we need to do the best we can and work with what we have by that's just me.
Wow glowstar bet you didn't think you'd get so many posts from this huh?
Jen
Mom to Sean 4-14-01 and Eric 9-11-03
Melissa I feel the same way. Funny how the kids I grew up with who were yelled at and spanked didn't shoot guns in school but the kids who were pampered and petted did. The kids today are way worse than the kids I grew up with so maybe this softer way of parenting isn't doing such a good job at all.
I don't say beat your kids or yell at them all day but they need to have discipline and know that there are consequences for their actions. Time out does not work for us. Never did.....I actually have to put one of his toys in time out to get him to listen. Put him in time out and he plays with a speck of dust floating in the sunshine near the playpen. I have to put him in there or he just walks away. Most of the time I don't even bother because it doesn't work. I give warnings and sometimes he listens but if he doesn't, guess what I yell and he looks at me and stops. Hmm.
The person I respect the most from my childhood is my Grandfather. He yelled and occasionally he hit but I knew and still know that he loved me more than life and would die before he'd let something hurt me. He was really strict and I'm a better person because of it. He taught me when to be serious and when to play and he was good at both. There was no question with him you knew where you stood and how things were going to be. He was consistant and I don't think I ever did something like (sit down in the middle of the road, yes I did that) more than once with him. With my Mom I probably would have done it all day, she did time outs. I guess it depends on the kid. He made me feel safe and secure. Funny huh?
Jen
Mom to Sean 4-14-01 and Eric 9-11-03
Jen
Mom to Sean 4-14-01 and Eric 9-11-03
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