I really lost my temper. Feeling awful.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2003
I really lost my temper. Feeling awful.
20
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 1:08pm
Hi everyone,

I've never posted here before, but I am a stay-at-home mom to two preschool-aged girls. I am hoping that others can relate and maybe offer some thoughts.

My two girls are wonderful. I consider myself lucky to be their mother, and they are normal, sweet little girls who are loved very much. I guess that's why I feel so guilty about losing it last Friday.

The entire day was an endless series of my oldest (just turned 4) bugging her sister, taking things away from her, bossing her around, not minding, making huge messes and being uncooperative about cleaning them up with me, etc. I know these behaviors are normal for her age, but I just didn't handle it well. The entire morning was a nightmare and I slowly felt my anger rise throughout the day. I was so frustrated.

I calmly told my daughter it was time for a time out. I just couldn't take any more. She ran under the kitchen table and refuse to come out. I finally had to remove her myself. We got half way up the stairs and she refused to move. That's when I completely lost it and screamed, "WHY CAN'T YOU LISTEN TO ME??!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU??". I didn't scream that loud, but the voice that came out of me sounded like something from The Exorcist.

I'm so ashamed. I'm feel so guilty. I feel like I've traumatized my daughter. She ran upstairs crying and then she started choking. I wanted to call social services on myself. I will be very frank and say--if someone saw the scene in that house--they would have thought I was a really bad mother with a horrible temper.

I apologized to my daughter and told her that mommy was wrong for yelling and hurting her feelings. I told her that sometimes mommies make mistakes too and that she didn't deserve to be talked to that way.

Still, I feel like a complete failure and a bad parent.

Can anyone relate? I welcome ANY thoughts, insights and opinions. I am truly wondering if I am the only parent who ever feels this way or loses it like this. I guess I'm wondering if this is normal or if my behavior was totally off the charts.

Thank you for reading.

Glowstar

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2004
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 3:14pm
With 10 kids how could you do anything else. I'm Italian and my husband is Irish so this is not a quiet household by any means. I don't think that children should run the house. I'm not saying that this is what the original poster was doing but sometimes you have to get your point across.

Jen

Mom to Sean 4-14-01 and Eric 9-11-03

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2003
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 3:30pm
Hi everyone,

Wow! I feel so supported by all of your posts. I feel like you understand. I do appreciate each bit of wisdom that all of you had. Thank you...so very much!

It's nice to know I'm not alone. It's also nice to be reminded that I AM only human. I'm not perfect. I think when you really internalize the notion that--I don't have to be the perfect parents 24/7---it allows you to relax and give yourself a break. Thank you...all of you, for helping me to do that.

lovinmy3--you reminded me that sometimes hugs can reduce the tension. Thanks for that. I've heard before that when you're about ready to lose it, that hugging your children helps to melt that adrenaline away. Wow...3 boys! Thanks for your opinion.

Mel--thank you.

lisacolette--YES, I think you are spot on about my child using my guilt to manipulate me. I have witnessed this before. Usually, she feigns an "ouchy" during a confrontation. She'll pretend she's hurt when I try to discipline her. My husband pointed out her academy-award winning "I've got an ouchy" performance--cuz I didn't see it. I think you're right that she could use my guilt in the future and I need to be aware of that. Thanks!

(((hugs)))) to you too Kerri. It's nice to feel supported and not alone in this. I appreciate your message.

Mykidsgreat2003--Thank you for pointing out the difference between good/bad parents. Good parents make mistakes, but they acknowledge them and take responsibility. Bad parents don't even think about the consequences. That's so right. I cared about how my daughter felt. I think that counts for something. Great advice.

Melissa, You and lisacolette are correct. I need to be firm and not let my dd use my guilt as a weapon against me. Regarding the time out question--She was under the table and I told her to come out because she was going to time out. In our house, time out is 3-5 minutes in my younger daughter's crib. I put her in there, explain why she is there and then she does her time. After the time is up, I sit her down and we re-discuss why she was in time out. My children absolutely HATE time outs. So they work really well. I hope that answers your questions. Thanks for all of your comments. You are a good mommy. It sounds like you have a full plate and that you are doing really well. Your oldest finally accepted the younger sib and that speaks volumes about your patience and parenting skills. Kudos to you.

Jen, I hear what you are saying and I totally agree. I LOVE hearing about screaming Italian families. I think it's so healthy and wonderful that your parents could be imperfect, but at the same time you knew you were loved. Part of the reason I'm experiencing so many challenges, is because I grew up in a horrendously abusive home. Screaming was all I ever heard. And the screaming was the least of the abuse. I struggle with wondering if my emotions (anger, rage) are normal, because I have no role models for healthy anger. That's why I wrote this message, in part. I needed to hear that being angry--although not optimal--is ok. My husband repeatedly tells me I'm too hard on myself and that I'm trying to be emotionally perfect with the children, because my childhood was so traumatic. I guess that's true. Your message was just what I needed. I really needed to hear that children can see anger, imperfection and normal feelings from parents--but still feel loved. This doesn't mean I'm going to scream at them daily now! I just really needed to hear what you shared and I thank you!

Melissa--thank you too. I think being firm is essential too. I would think one of the worst things for a child is to feel that the grown ups are not in charge. Children will test our boundaries, but those boundaries need to be there in order for children to feel safe. I agree with what you are saying, completely!

Thanks to everyone for the dialogue. I really appreciate it and you helped me out when I needed a soft place to land.

(((((hugs)))))) Glowstar

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2004
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 3:50pm
Glowstar,

I'm so happy that my post made you feel better. It's not always easy posting the thing that may make people mad especially when the other posts did not agree with your stance.

It's sounds like you are doing a wonderful job at parenting. I don't think I could ever go 4 years without raising my voice.

Glad to hear that you are feeling better.

{{{{Hugs}}}}

Jen from the yelling, loud, imperfect Irish Italian household.

Mom to Sean 4-14-01 and Eric 9-11-03

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 7:41pm
glowstar i luv ya lol. i had this great pre-kids theory of never raising my voice, having them both reading by four, having an immaculate house and still having time for coffee and sex with dh. well, THAT went down the drain as soon as the little monkeys were born! i think yelling is pretty normal and common, and won't do any damage as long as you don't yell horrible things, like "i hate you, you're useless, i wish you were never born, etc." i personally don't like it because when i yell it's a sure sign that mommy's lost it, and in my childhood as in yours someone loosing it was a sure precurser to someone else getting their $$$ beat, and i'm terrified that i'm going to do that to my kids (and believe you me, i've come darn close some of these days!) but like everyone else there's an end to my parental rope, and when i reach that end there's usually a decent amount of screaming, lol. mine seem to have survived without any lasting scars (so far, knock on wood!) parenting is hard and confusing, and we all just do the best that we can. personally, if i feel like i lost it i always appologize. if my reaction was way out of proportion to what the little brat did, then i think an appology is only fair. i know when i lose it like that i scare my daughter half to death, and i really do feel like the scum of the earth, and i try to always be honest and open with my kids, so i explain what happened, why i was so frustrated, and why i lost my temper. i think any child can understand that everyone, even mom, has a limit, and that when you reach that limit and really lose it, then the right thing to do is appologize. i'd expect an appology from my dh or kids if they yelled at me like that now if i WASN'T out of control, and i MEANT to yell that loud, and i don't feel bad about it, then of course i wouldn't appologize.

anyway, that's my two cents, hope you're feeling better!

clarity

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2004
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 10:06pm
I have to add one thing I read in a magazine or something a few years ago. Yelling is not okay in general, but it happens sometimes. Sometimes, kids need to hear you yell so they know they are doing something wrong and/or you are upset. I stress, sometimes. They won't always catch on or respond to reminders and redirection or "I'm getting really angry." It's okay to apologize if you yell at your kids, just don't overdo it. Just say "I know it's not okay to yell when I'm upset. Next time I'm upset I will have to remember to talk nicely." or something similair to that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2003
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 7:03am
Oh, Glowstar, you're fine!

I think that we are killing ourselves as parents these days. I mean, we know that spanking is out and that yelling should be out and that we should just sit and explain to a 2 year old why you don't scream and go mental in the store when you want something. And then make them write a 3 page essay on "Why I Was Bad". It's just nuts. I mean, we were all raised with parents who yelled, parents who spanked, heck, parents who wielded the belt! And yet WE are supposed to re-write the book on child-rearing when it's been done the same way since caveman times? What do we know?

And you notice? What do we have? Bad, bad kids running the show. I must say it's worse with parents who work (not being partial, it's just true. They don't want to spend the daily 2 hours of child-time disciplining) but we are all running scared. Kids DON'T need to feel good, or special, or validated every minute of the blessed day.

Can I get an AMEN?

ha ha.

Melissa
Meldi
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 9:03am
AMEN !!!! I have been a stay at home mom for going on 24 years...... my oldest will be 24 this year, my other babies are 8 and 7..... i do yell..and yes i do spank... at times when i know it is needed to get their attention , especially when they are doing something that will harm themselves or others.... i believe in discipline... i believe that if we dont, and we dont give our kids boundaries, then they grow up to be insecure kids who dont know how to act in public..or how to follow the rules in life...i dont spank often, because mykids KNOW i will do it if need be..... that is the way i was raised. my parents very rarely spanked me....but since i KNEW they would... it changed my attitude towards things..... my sister worked when her son was little ( still does work) and her son was UNCONTROLABLE. cuz of her attitude towards QUALITY time over quantity..she felt that no way could she discipline him when she has been gone all day...... she never told him no..never spanked.... at 3 she was still carrying him every where she went,,he still had a pacifier that at that point she was forcing on him cuz she was afraid he was going to cry. one day, they found it funny, that she was cooking dinner and his paci went into the hot oil....UMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM........ why wwas she holding him while cooking with hot oil?????????????? that is more abuse to me then the other to an extent.anyway..... at 3 years old.... he totaled their car...... she would let him play in it "CUZ HE WANTED TO". so one day, while he was playing in it, cuz he knew they let him...and they were doing other stuff and didnt notice him...he climbed in..... and put it in neutral.and it rolled down the driveway backwards into the woods and down a revene..... and hit a tree.... the trunk was in the back seat... luckily he wasnt hurt at all.BUT. that day changed her attitude towards how she was raising her son...i think we all need the freedom mentally and socially, to discipline our child as we see fit, providing it doesnt get abusive and it is done in a controlled manner.without feeling guilty that we are going to screw up our kids....our kids will be more messed up by no discipline, then they will be by constructive controlled discipline. they need to learn what is right, and what is wrong. and alot of times TELLING them just aint gonna sink in... especially to a 2 year old......the belt.........i have a friend who has 3 kids who does that,and one is a teenager, and it makes no difference on the way her kids act.and she doesnt do it in a controlled manner, and never for a reason that is TRULY needed..the way she disciplines is abuse. so there is a fine line.. i am sure i will get quite a few negative posts on my opinion.. but that is how i feel.... the world has changed horribly for the worse, our kids are out of control. i see it every day watching my nieces friends ( they are all teens and up). they have no parental control, they are just let loose to do as they please.... given a new car by the parents and just let go.. and it is a very destructive thing to do, not only to our kids, but to the general public who now has to put up with all those uncontrolled kids.....


Edited 3/19/2004 1:59 pm ET ET by 3kmom
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2004
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 11:06am
I still say this may be because of the way I was raised but I don't think that yelling is that bad. Anger is a pretty natural thing and if you always hold it back or feel bad about it that's when you have problems. When Sean is mad I let him yell and stomp his feet and then I give him a hug and we go play. I think that telling him that it's not ok to yell (or express his anger in a non-destructive way) is sending him a bad message that it's not good to feel his emotions. That's my opinion. Let's face it with all of the terrible things going on in the world yelling is pretty low on the severity scale don't you think?

I sent this to you because it was replied to me. I'm not sure if you were just relpying or if you meant it specifically for me.

PS my wise husband says.....the studies don't know our kids or our feelings they just make general statements so they can have funding and still have a job.

I think we need to do the best we can and work with what we have by that's just me.

Wow glowstar bet you didn't think you'd get so many posts from this huh?

Jen

Mom to Sean 4-14-01 and Eric 9-11-03

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2004
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 11:16am
AMEN AMEN AMEN

Melissa I feel the same way. Funny how the kids I grew up with who were yelled at and spanked didn't shoot guns in school but the kids who were pampered and petted did. The kids today are way worse than the kids I grew up with so maybe this softer way of parenting isn't doing such a good job at all.

I don't say beat your kids or yell at them all day but they need to have discipline and know that there are consequences for their actions. Time out does not work for us. Never did.....I actually have to put one of his toys in time out to get him to listen. Put him in time out and he plays with a speck of dust floating in the sunshine near the playpen. I have to put him in there or he just walks away. Most of the time I don't even bother because it doesn't work. I give warnings and sometimes he listens but if he doesn't, guess what I yell and he looks at me and stops. Hmm.

The person I respect the most from my childhood is my Grandfather. He yelled and occasionally he hit but I knew and still know that he loved me more than life and would die before he'd let something hurt me. He was really strict and I'm a better person because of it. He taught me when to be serious and when to play and he was good at both. There was no question with him you knew where you stood and how things were going to be. He was consistant and I don't think I ever did something like (sit down in the middle of the road, yes I did that) more than once with him. With my Mom I probably would have done it all day, she did time outs. I guess it depends on the kid. He made me feel safe and secure. Funny huh?

Jen

Mom to Sean 4-14-01 and Eric 9-11-03

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2004
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 11:19am
Oh can you hear the choir singing my AMEN to that one? I can hear it all the way over here. Thank you!! Read my last post I wrote something similar.

Jen

Mom to Sean 4-14-01 and Eric 9-11-03

Pages