I think I'm ruining my daughter

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2004
I think I'm ruining my daughter
7
Thu, 05-13-2004 - 9:48am
AH...I can't stop yelling and being irritated with my kid. She's actually quite alovely 2 year old but...I'm just not happy staying at home. Although I am married my husband works in a different state M-F and sometimes is also gone on weekends (Race Engineer for a CART racing team) and I'm just having a really hard time being a "single parent". I'm constantly yelling at her and being "irritated". It got so bad that last night I called a child abuse hotline and just cried. I've never been happy as a stay-at-home mom - oh gotta go, she's awake....
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2000
Thu, 05-13-2004 - 10:52am
I'm so sorry you are going through this. You are a good parent to recognize your own limitations and to call a hotline for help. I'm not single parenting, so I can only imagine how difficult it is for everything to fall on your shoulders 90% of the time.

Two is a rough age for the most patient among us. And not every mom is destined to be a stay-at-home. If you feel the need to seek work options, maybe that is something for you to look into.

Also, with your DH away so often, it may be that you need to broaden your circle of adult companions and friends. Are there other stay at home moms or neighbors you can spend more time with? Sometimes just knowing that someone else is going through the same things can help you regain your sanity.

Is there a mom's morning out program at a local church or community center that will give you a few free hours a week? Can you afford to have a teenager over two afternoons a week for a couple of hours to give you a break? How about preschools or summer kid camps?

Have you talked to your DH about this? I realize that your time with him is limited, but I am sure that if you let him know just how seriously you are feeling about all of this he will make it a priority to help you find some solutions.

Hugs - Suzanne

PS - You are not ruining your daughter. Kids are pretty resiliant. You have recognized a pattern that isn't good and you are going to take steps to rectify that. She will be fine.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2004
Thu, 05-13-2004 - 1:38pm
I totally agree with Suzanne. There are lots of things you can change and try to make it easier for you. But I do understand what you are going through. It took me a while to accept being a SAHM. SOme people just love it and I feel guilty cause I dont all the time. The only reason I stay home is that it is whats best for them. I have 2. A DS who just turned 3 and a DD who will be 1 next month. It will get easier as she gets older. My son who was always very hyper active has toned down alot but now I got my DD getting into everything. She started walking at 9 months so she has figured out how to get into anything and everything. My son plays by himself and knows how to entertain himself more. Hopefully your DD will start doing that a lil more. You have to remember you are going through the terrible twos and that is definaetly not a myth...lol. I would try and get some more time for yourself if you can get a babysitter. Its not easy at least not for me. I have yelled at my kids in anger also and feel horrible for doing it but I know that it is only because our jobs are 24/7, we dont get to clock out ever. Its hard. Good luck.

Best wishes,

Sheri
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2004
Thu, 05-13-2004 - 3:48pm
Thank you thank you thank you...I think yesteday was my "rock bottom" and today, I've just decided to be silly, laugh and make a very conscious effort NOT to yell or be irritated. It's very ironic that once I stopped yelling and spoke with her and reasoned with her, picked her up to cuddle her when I did get irritated instead of telling her to "get out of my face" her behaviour has changed - in really - just one day (or has my change in attitude made me see things differently?) I cuddled with her on the couch this morning and told her how hard a time I was having lately and that I really needed her cooperation because I wanted to stop yelling at her. I dont' know how much of it she understood but, she's cooperating and it's wonderful. This is so much nicer than the past couple of weeks...I'm not going to bank on this though and have decided that maybe I need some counseling, just not with her but with life in general. I used to be a criminal prosecutor and planned on never having children so, I think the resentment I have for my husband leaving me alone from day one with her to "having to give up my life" which is what I feel - for her, I think I need to stop taking out my frustration on her for things that aren't her fault. She really is lovely and if I messed her up - I just know it's time to stop repressing my emotions and start taking better care of myself. Sometimes, it's just hard to admit that although I am very lucky to be able to stay home and take care of my child - that seems to be what everyone wishes - it's not something I like doing. That in and of itself makes me feel like a horrible mom, a horrible person and just plain horrible. It's also a catch-22 - I don't trust strangers so having babysitters is not really an option for me. I've looked into some daycares around me but they will only take her full-time, not the 2 afternoons a week I would be comfortable with. Ironic - I don't want to stay home with her but I don't want anyone else taking care of her either. Like I said, I was a criminal prosecutor and I know what can happen- I've seen it first hand- to her in the wrong hands so...for now, I'll just plod along, get some counseling and hopefully, keep cuddling her....But, thank you very much for your comments. It's exactly what I needed to hear...thank you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2004
Thu, 05-13-2004 - 6:37pm
One thing I find as a stay-at-home mom is that it's so easy to lose perspective and think that our life will be like this forever. When really, that's not the case at all! Almost every awful time in raising kids turns out to have just been a phase. They change so much, so fast, but being with them 24/7 makes it almost impossible to see that. She'll be in school before you know it, and these little years will turn out to have been just a small percentage of your life. If you look at this time as a hiatus, rather than eternal damnation (and I usually love being a stay-at-home mom but believe me, we all have our moments!) that might help you not to throw in the towel on the hard days. Good luck! My heart goes out to you. And, contrary to your title on this post, I think you have a very lucky little girl. She has a mommy who is willing to make big sacrifices for her. That's love! And if you lose your cool sometimes, I think an apology and extra snuggles are the perfect medicine. You are doing just the right thing!

Hugs, Helene

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2004
Thu, 05-13-2004 - 8:15pm
Have you ever thought about having your dh stay home with dd while you go back to work? I'm sorry you are feeling the way you do. Everyone has those moments at times. I have someone close that I can trust to watch my ds when I am having those moments. Good luck and take care.

Tanya
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2003
Fri, 05-14-2004 - 1:37am
Hugs!! We all lose our tempers at time and our patience. I know I have a daughter who just turned 2 and she can try my patience at times. I sometimes just have to take a deep breath and remember that I am gonna long for these days back when she is older. They go by so quickly. As for your hubby working away all week that is hard. I understand. My hubby from a few days after our daughter was born was back to traveling and being gone from home all week. He would leave late Sunday evening and come home late Friday night if I was lucky. It finally took a tole on our marriage. He is now working from his home office which is a real blessing. Of course, I know not everyone can just up and quit their job, but for us we had to do it or face bitterness between us. My daughter was getting where she would not even go near my husband and that really hurt him. Now she has 2 parents at home even though my husband spends most of the day in his office he gets to take breaks and have lunch with us everyday and sometimes we get to hit the mall during the week together. Now we spend ever weekend together. It is hard making the change from working to being a stay at home Mom. I feel it is worth it. Try getting yourself involved with other Mom's and women in general. Do you have any family or someone she can stay with so you can have some "YOU" time? Not having other adults to talk with can be hard. I know I miss it at times, but love my daughter dearly and know I am doing the right thing by being here for her.

Trish :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2000
Fri, 05-14-2004 - 7:44am
I'm so glad that have hit the bottom and feel that you are on the upswing. I think kids really do know, on some level, when they have pushed us to the breaking point and it's time to be more cooperative. No, it doesn't always last, but I expect it will last long enough to get you through this crisis.

If you ever decide to research preschools, go to www. NAEYC.org. The National association for education of young children has a rigorous accreditation process. You can pull up a list of accredited preschools in your area and start researching options for next fall and beyond. I am extremely protective of my son when it comes to sitters and such. I use one maybe twice a year. But he did attend preschool. I simply made sure he would be with people with whom I was comfortable leaving him. NAEYC has a web site with a list of questions to ask the preschool, things to do during your school visits, etc. There may be a few good programs in your area that you aren't aware of.

Good thoughts - Suzanne