i think my dd has no heart!
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i think my dd has no heart!
| Sat, 05-15-2004 - 8:25pm |
our little puppy Ajax died of parvo virus today. he was only 4 months old, a precious little furball (for all that he did nothing but poop, pee, and chew from the moment dh brought him home) and he died in my arms this morning. he suffered a lot for two days, and when he died dh, i, and ds-18 mo were brokenhearted. but alleria, 5, who's usually my sensitive little baby-girl, who takes spiders outside 'cause she doesn't want to hurt them, seems like she doesn't care at all. i told her that i thought ajax wasn't going to make it, and she just kinda laughed and said "o well, we can get another puppy." i was a little disturbed by that, but i thought maybe she just didn't understand death, that it was permanent and all, so i tried to explain to her that if he died he wasn't going to come back, and that there would never be another Ajax. and she still didn't care! she actually said "o well mommy, i didn't like him anyway." which is a complete lie, that dog was her favorite thing in the whole world. the whole time the dog was dying alleria was steady asking, in this perky little happy voice "is he dead yet? is he dead yet?" then when he actually did die, brian and i were bawling our eyes out, and here's alleria walking around singing "Ajax's dead and i don't care!" she asked if she could touch him, and i said yes, she could touch him one last time, and she goes over and pulls his leg up and drops it all mean, and says "yep, he's dead!" and walks off! she never cried at all or even acted sad, and that's really disturbing me. she's usually such a bright sensitive kid, i've never ever seen her act like this. at one point i got really frustrated with her singing and in one of my less than mother-of-the-year moments said "alleria, would you even care if mommy or tristan died?" and she just laughed and said "no, i'll be grown up then and i wont care." i have no idea how to deal with that. i tried to talk to her about it later, and i asked her what she was feeling and told her that if she wanted to talk about anything with me that she could, and she just shrugged and said "i don't have anything to say, can i watch cartoons?" i really don't know what's going on with her, and that is something very unusual with me and alleria.
do you guys think that this is a normal reaction? any suggestions? what do i do? what is wrong with her?? how can she be so heartless? this is a really smart very intuitive and sensitive kid, and i've never ever seen her act like this. i'm really thrown for a loop.
clarity
do you guys think that this is a normal reaction? any suggestions? what do i do? what is wrong with her?? how can she be so heartless? this is a really smart very intuitive and sensitive kid, and i've never ever seen her act like this. i'm really thrown for a loop.
clarity


Hugs,
Shelby
SAHM to Haylei
Sara
I am sure that the sight of her parents crying just totally was going to freak her out if she didn't find her own way to take control of the situation.
I'm certainly sorry she upset you so much at a time when you were already dealing with a loss. When you are both calm and you ask her why she behaved in such an out-of-character way, she will admit it. If you tell her that you were shocked and surprised at her insensitivity and ask if she was just covering up the fact that she was frightened, she will probably agree that she was.
Even if she continues to act this way, just be extra sensitive and tell her that you are terribly sorry this had to happen. When she says, "I'm not sorry. I think it was funny that he died" tell her that you don't believe she really feels that way. You think she cares very much but that she's just finding her own way to deal with the loss. Then comfort her and give her hugs and everything as if she were actually externalizing her upset.
She seems to be a very bright intuitive little girl. Maybe her behavior was a means of lashing out at you because she knew it would upset you and she is secretly holding you responsible for the loss. She may actually now be afraid that you can't keep her or your toddler safe, if you can't keep the puppy safe.
I think she has plenty of heart but she is secretly terrified so she has copped major attitude to cover up the fact.
Hugs - Suzanne
Clarity,
I am not really sure what to say except that maybe this is her way of dealing with the death? Its not to often you come about it, and 5 year olds arnt great at expressing theirselves. I am sure that a few days down the road you can ask her the same question and get a totaly different response. I dont believe she has no heart, just no way of dealing with whats happend. Good Luck and I am soo sorry to hear about ajax.
clarity
this afternoon both the kids were playing outside and i heard alleria singing.(the kids loves to sing, and for some reason she always sings little songs she makes up whenever she is really happy or really sad) i went to see what they were doing and both the kids were sitting by Ajax's gave with flowers in their hands, and alleria was singing "oooo, Ajax's died and it's all so sad, my mommy cried and so did my dad, i didn't cry though....i don't know....i didn't cry and i don't know why..." then she put her flowers on the grave and made her bro put his there too. it was really sweet and i think it helped her deal with it somewhat.
again, thanks for everyone's responses.
clarity
Your DD is astoundingly clever. The song she made up just totally blew me away. She's such a sharp little girl. Wow. (Plus, she's cute as heck.)
I'm so glad you are all finding ways to cope with your loss.
Suzanne
i remember a while ago we passed a car wash that for whatever reason had a guy in this huge gorrilla suit outfront with a sign, and i pointed it out to alleria, saying "hey, look at the gorrilla!" just for fun. she looked really hard at it and thought for a minute, then said "that's not a gorrilla, thats a man PRETENDING to be a gorrilla." i told her she was right, whatever, and asked her why she thought he was pretending to be a gorrilla. she thought for a while then said "i think maybe he used to be a person but maybe he wasn't very good at it so he had to be a gorrilla instead and when people drive by they all look at him and then they go get their car washed." i said that was an interesting thought and then asked her if she thought he liked being in that gorrilla suit. she goes "no, i don't think so, because i think he feels silly!!" i suggested that maybe he liked being silly, and she disagreed saying, and i swear to god she said this, "no way mommy, everyone's laughing at him and i think that makes him sad inside, i don't think he likes it at all!" i was DYING, but she says little things like that all the time, she always understands what's going on and why things happen, so i was just floored when she didn't even care that the puppy died.
but i really do think you were right, it was just too big for her to deal with, no matter how smart and intuitive she may seem she's still only 4 and she can only cope with so much.
clarity
Sorry for jumping in here so late, but I wanted to reply to your post. First off, I'm sorry to hear that you lost a pet...that is so hard. I just put down my cat on Mother's Day in an emergency situation, and of all the pets I've had over the years, I miss him the most. ((HUGS)) to you.
I agree with what many of the other posters here said -- that your DD was overwhelmed by Ajax's death and made it look like she didn't care, when really she did. Death is a hard thing for kids to understand and I think in many instances they pretend that they aren't hurt by the loss to avoid facing the fact that the pet really is gone. I've never been through this -- my DD is too young to understand -- but I can vividly remember when one of our cats died when I was about 5. I acted the same way as your DD...I didn't want my mother to see that I was really upset about losing the cat so I pretended that I wasn't upset.
Your DD sounds very aware and acute...a little lightbulb you have on your hands! Plus, she is a real cutie -- I love the pic!