Instant Large Family?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2004
Instant Large Family?
9
Fri, 07-02-2004 - 7:09am

It is a big day in our house, for alot of reasons.


Matt is signing a contract today for a role in an independent film! He is very excited and bouncing off the walls...lol!


I have always wanted a large family, but not from other childrens pain. DH got a call from his Grandma last night(which never happens), just to let him know that his sister has abandoned her kids again. She does this at least once a year, but we are far away from Dh's family and only hear about it afterword. Dh's mom has this thing where she doesn't like to "burden" him as she puts it since he lives so far away. These poor kids have had numerous stepfathers and boyfriends to deal with. They are also usually split up and at least one of the kids is always living with Dh's mom or Grandma. Right now there mom has sent them back to live with her younger sister while she decided to stay with her boyfriend who lives 600 miles away! She moved the kids in with her latest boyfriend and they were just kicked out of their home for not paying the rent. Dh's little sister is having a hard time taking care of them, since she works and has 3 little ones of her own and is living with her new husbands elderly parents.


Dh was so mad last night, I had to prevent him from driving down there right then to go and get them. It is a 9 hour drive and he would not have made it back to work on time. He is determined to go and get them, and says enough is enough. I agree, but this will mean a big change in our house for many reasons. We live in a renovated farm house that is 3 bedrooms and just one bath! That would be 8 people in one bathroom! So we would defenitely have to move! WE figure we would be able to move in August if things go well. He is not going to give his sister a choice though and as scared as I am to become an instant big family, I agree that it is time these kids have some stability in their life. Dh wants to go and get them this weekend so you could be seeing four extra names at the bottom of my posts!


I would appreciate any advice on how to raise large family's and just day to day basic operations of large families. There is a 15 year old girl, a 13 year old girl, and a boy 10 years old and a 4 year old. I am a little freaked out, and tossed and turned all night but am having better thoughts this morning.


Wish us luck and pray for our family if you will!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
Fri, 07-02-2004 - 8:51am
Traci,

Wow, what a way to end your week. From a legal standpoint, can these kids stay with you? A concern of mine would be if DH's sister comes back in a month to take them back with her. All your hard work of taking care of them would go down the drain. Keep us posted.

Elyssa

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 07-02-2004 - 8:55am
I am going thru somewhat of the same situation myself. My DH's sister is dying of cirrosis of the liver. She has a 17 y.o. boy and 11y.o. daughter. She has asked my inlaws to be the 11 year olds guardians. The 17 year old is already on his own (living in GA with his 18 year old girlfriend). It's all I can do to not go down and get her and bring her into my loving home! My inlaws are in their late 60's and don't have the tolerance for a child. They have the room, but not the love. I have the love but not the room! I'd be the best candidate to take her in as I stay home and all. But my DH freaked when I suggested she come live here with us. I'd put her up in the couch if I had to. He was like "it's not a sleepover! It's insurance, college funds, etc!" My heart is telling me to do this, but my DH got a bit overwhelmed when I suggested it. I just don't know what to do. My MIL is a cold hearted witch who is probably thinking at this moment how to get out of this. She called me overjoyed yesterday because someone in her office suggested she won't get guardianship based on their age. You would've thought the woman had won the lottery!

So, I will be thinking of you and your decision and I am praying for a good outcome for my neice.

Elaine

SAHM to Daniel (5) and Emily (3)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2004
Fri, 07-02-2004 - 11:25am
Traci, I would definitely contact a lawyer about the legality of it all, perhaps going to court to make yourselves the guardian for these poor children. I would hate for the BM to come back and re-claim the kids, and it start all over again. You seem to have enough people to corroborate her behaviour that perhaps the courts make remove her rights completely so that they can be raised in a more stable home like your own. As far as having a large family seemingly overnight, I do know how it is. When DH and I married, I acquired 3 SC, 2 full time, 1 part time, making our family number 7 members when we're all together. Now with our 2yo and 7 month old added, we're up to 9 (8 full time). I won't lie and say it's been easy. The relationship part has jelled nicely, haven't had too many problems with that. I've found food has actually been a big issue. It's not as bad now, but in the beginning it was awful. "Mine" would eat about anything, "his" wouldn't touch anything that resembled a vegetable other than french fries or corn. Anything green was out of the question in their eyes. We went through a phase in the first year, the middle SS (and "my" older one picked up on it eventually, sadly) was chucking the food he disliked, under the dinner table and blaming his younger step-brother. If the younger SD didn't like something for dinner, she'd become frantic, begin crying and start vomiting all over herself and her plate. My DH didn't believe me at first, he thought we were doing something to her to cause her reaction. But I did a "test run" for a week, alternating the foods each day, and he began to see what I was talking about. The days we had food they like, no problems, the days I cooked a (more healthy) meal they didn't like, PROBLEMS. Phew, it wasn't easy at first, but it's gotten better.

I would suggest buying larger laundry baskets, and perhaps another clothes dryer, to accomodate the amount of extra washing you'll have to do. Once the kids have become comfortable and acclimated, sit down and discuss chores and who can do what. You'll need the help, trust me! I wish you the best of luck, you have a big job ahead of you, but you can do it. Just remember to take a moment to calm down and re-acquire your senses when you feel overwhelmed (which WILL happen!).

Carson - SAHM to six

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2003
Fri, 07-02-2004 - 8:18pm
First I must say you and your DH are a true blessing to these children they deserve a loving home where they can be children! Also there is a tons of kids board, I lurk there and it is a great place to get advice on large families, etc here is a link. I hope this works, if not it is under the Family Size heading.http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-pplargefam

HTH

Shelby

SAHM to Haylei

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2004
Fri, 07-02-2004 - 11:45pm
I don't have any advice, but wanted to say that I think you should get those kids. Yes, it will be cramped and money may be tight, but they need to be shown love and stablility. It seems your family is thier best option right now. I'm sending lots of luck and love your way. I think you and dh are awesome just for considering taking those kids in!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2003
Sat, 07-03-2004 - 7:08pm
Tracy,

I read your post and it brought tears to my eyes. I think that it is so great that your husband loves these kids that much and that you jumped right on board! It is the sweetest thing!

I wish you all the luck and the tidbit about laundry baskets seems to make sense. I think that the thing that really comes to mind is a lot of love. I can't imagine how these kids must feel...especially the older ones.

Best of luck to you and thank you for being there for them.

--Gen

Andrew 5/6/04
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2004
Sun, 07-04-2004 - 3:21pm
Traci, I wanted to add a note about the Tons of Kids board, like one of the other posters did. I spend most of my online time surfing through that board, and have to say they are a great group of ladies. They have chat times on Wednesdays and Thursdays at 1pm Eastern time. If you find the need to vent, or ask advice about large families, they are the ones to ask! You and your husband seem to have a lot of love to give those poor kiddos, but you will also need a boost from time to time, and the TOK ladies can help you out there because they've been there as far as large families are concerned. Some are even blended families, like my own and essentially what your family will be too. I'd really encourage you to visit the board. One of the moms on there is an absolute hoot, she leaves such great posts they'll make you laugh! Good luck to you and your DH, and a big hug to those kids (yours too!).

Carson - SAHM to six

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2004
Mon, 07-05-2004 - 12:23am

Thanks Carson for all your help and advice!


We are hoping to be able to go and get the kids next weekend. My Dh is on vacation for a week and a half and hopefully that will give us plenty of time to settle down. We got permission yesterday to come and get the two boys. The oldest just got a job but my dh, is going to talk her into coming here to. She is only 15 and dh and I both know that she probably is feeling she HAS to get a job. The thirteen year old is staying with her dad who is different than the other kids so, we are not sure what is going to happen there. Dh practically raised her when she was a baby though so she is very attatched to him and will probably want to move as well. As sad as it is I really don't think anyone is going to put up a fight....except dh that is!!!


Thanks again for your help If everything goes well I will hopefully

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2004
Mon, 07-05-2004 - 12:34am

I just wanted to tell everyone...thank you so much for your support and advice!


Dh and I got permission to go and pick up the two boys next week. We were told that the fifteen year old was getting a job and the thirteen year old went to live with her dad, who lives in same town. The thirteen year old has a different dad then the others, so we are not sure what is going to happen there. We are determined to talk the fifteen year old to quite job and move away...we think she decided to get a job because the probably felt she had to!


We also found out that Dh can get his sister to give us temporary guardianship of the kids, and Dh can put them on his insurance. We are still talking about what we would do if she tried to get them back. Dh thinks she will not put up a fight and will probably just be glad to have them live somewhere for good. We are still going to hire a lawyer though when we can to cover all our options.


Thank you everyone again. Your kind words and encouragment really meant alot to me!

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