Intimidated or just Lazy?
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Intimidated or just Lazy?
| Mon, 01-10-2005 - 2:51pm |
My husband hasn't been very "hands-on" in caring for our first born, now a 6.5-months-old baby boy. He says he is not comfortable with handling the baby and feels I can do a better job. As a result, I take care of the baby and he spends no more than 10 to 15 minutes a day with the baby, if that. Don't get me wrong, he is a loving spouse and husband. But just not a very helping new-daddy.
I would like him to show more interest and be more hands-on. Any tips?

My husband acted the same way and I would get very upset because I didn't think he liked our baby. And he really did help me out the best he could, just didn't know much about newborns. Do you ever do grocery shopping and leave your son with your husband, or go to the mall alone? I would try something like that and suggest something he can do with your son, like go for a walk, to the park. If my husband and I were both home, it would be me caring for our son because my husband said I did it better! Or when it's time to change a diaper,or a bath, just do it together, I tried that one,too. I always did that a bathtime, we would take turns, one would wash the baby and the other one would take the baby out of the bathtub and change him.
Now that my son is 2, my husband won't leave him alone! They do soo much together.
I just think when their babies dad's get intimidated and think they can't do it as good as the mom. Just find out what works for you! goodluck :)
kate
Yes!!! Saturday mornings... Schedule something that is easier without the baby eg: haircut, grocery shopping, clothes shopping etc and MAKE IT A ROUTINE that you keep to. 1- it will give you a little alone time to get things done!
2- he will appreciate what you do every day!
3- he will naturally bond with his child more... the more time, the more bonding.
And... although he just doesn't want to, in this instance, it will be GOOD FOR HIM as well as the family. Sort of like the first day of school... yes, intimidating but once the child rises to the ocasion, the fear is gone! So my advice- encourage your husband with praise, and there is no easy way to do it: that Sat morning should be set, just like the first day of school is!!!
Thank you guys for the replies. Your answers affirms my believe that the more he gets involved, the more he will want to be involved. I think I will just have to keep on dragging him into the baby-care whenever possible. Hopefully he will start to like it.
Sincerely
For us Maggie did not even like her dad until she was 3 mos old and went all went on vacation and he was around a lot.
One thing that helped when she was that little was Friday and Saturday nights he would get up with her. This gave me a chance to get some more sleep and they could do some bonding.
Sarah
I really don't have much advice.
One thing you can try is going out for a few hours and have him watch the baby. Maybe with him being the only parent around, he will soend more time with the baby. Just a idea.
I do have a ? Have you talked to him about this? There has to be more of a reason then the one he gave.......
I've been away for a while, so you probably don't recognize my name, but, I read your post and couldn't help but pipe up.
If communication is important to your marriage before you have children, it only becomes a thousand times more so after they arrive. No matter what his reason is--he HAS to start taking part in raising your son, for a whole bag full of reasons--and you need to talk to him about it!!
First and foremost, if he thinks that he can simply wait until his son is older, then develop a bond with him, he's dead wrong. Kids aren't dumb, and they know who was there for them, and who wasn't--at a surprisingly early age. Not wanting to care for his son is an indication that he hasn't bonded with him yet, and that can cause BIG problems down the road. Their relationship could be strained, if it survives at all. I'm sure he hasn't thought about how hurtful it might be to have a 5 year old who doesn't want ANYTHING to do with his daddy (much less a 15 year old who still doesn't). If he isn't concerned about how it will make him feel, then he needs to stop and think, and become concerned about how it will make his son feel. Unloved, unwanted, and uninvolved with his dad's life. Not 10 years down the road, try 10 months down the road.
The second reason is you. You went into becoming parents together, and it's time for him to pick up his share of the WORK that goes along with it. How he participates in the work part of raising your child together is also a sign of how concerned he is for you, his wife, and for how your relationship is doing. If he is willing to stand on the sidelines and watch you struggle just because he's scared, or lazy, or overwhelmed, or WHATEVER, then he's not thinking very much about how this could damage your marriage, and he NEEDS to.
Parenting a child is HARD WORK--it is beyond a doubt the hardest thing that most people ever do in their lives. The trick to getting through it is hard to pin down, and almost like catching smoke in your bare hands. You will be exhausted, you will be scared, because NOONE knows what they're doing--not mommies, not daddies, not anybody--not just at first, but at every step of the way--no matter how many kids you have, they're all different, they all throw you different things to handle, so you just have to learn along with them, and do your best. It doesn't matter who's better at certain things, what matters is that you're there, and you're trying, and you're giving of your heart to your child. You can either let it overwhelm you, and retreat--and miss the best thing that you will ever have the privelege of doing--or you can realize the truth in an often over used phrase--"God loves a cheerful giver." When you give to your children, of your time, and your energy, and of your love, you can do it one of two ways. You can do it because you're obligated to, and because it's your job, and because you're expected to--and it will drain your energy, and your motivation, and chip away at your life every day. OR, you can give to them out of joy and love--because no matter how hard it gets, (and there's no use denying that it's really hard some days) you WANT to be there, you WANT to be doing this more than anything else in the world. You can look into your heart, and be full of joy that you are getting to just BE THERE, and watch them grow and change in front of your very eyes--and discover that what you give in joy is much easier to give, and gives back to you so much more. And I PROMISE, the fear, and the selfishness, and the anxiety that WE ALL FEEL sometimes will seem so very small by comparison, you will keep giving, and be amazed at the depths of your own heart.
You have to talk to your husband--tell him these things, tell him what is in YOUR heart--it sounds like you're feeling alone, and a little resentful--and that's ok, as long as you realize that a little resentment can be washed away like so much dirt, but let it set and stay too long, and it can be like a stain on your marriage, that may always be there just below the surface. Tell him with love, not animosity, and with hope that he will decide to change if he can just see that we all feel scared, and yes lazy and overwhelmed sometimes. But we remember that the thing we feel most is blessed--to have a child that we love more than we love ourselves, and more than we feel anything else. :)
Good luck--keep trying :)
Angela
Yes, I have tried leaving the baby with him to go out for a grocery run (I could have very easily taken the baby out with me during the day time to do it, but I wanted to use it as an excuse to give him more baby time). I would come home to both of them stressed out. His idea of baby-sitting is having the baby on the couch watching TV with him. I have asked him several times to give up TV when he is minding the baby to no avail.
After insisting on talking about the issues, I gathered that he feels he is usually under extreme pressure at work, so when he is home, he just wants to use TV as a pacifier and not have to deal with a totally dependent baby. He had repeated told me to "buy happiness with money" by hiring baby-sitter to help relieve me. While I appreciate the offer, I somehow feel it's not entirely the right solution. I guess I needed to feel that this is OUR baby. We are in this together....not me and some hired-help. Does that make sense to you guys?
I also sense the fact that his dad was a very hands-off father and his mother was the all-nurturing being has something to do with it.
With all that said. I am happy to report that things have improved a little after our talk. He is spending a little more time playing with the baby (like 20-30 minutes) and that I try to make their time together as pleasant and easy as possible by giving him clear instructions on what to do and how long he has to do it. He said the change is brought on by the fact that the baby is starting to sit this week which makes it a little more interactive, fun and easier to handle the baby. I guess maybe that also has something to do with it.
What do you think?
Dear Angela:
Thank you for taking the time and interest to address my issue. I really appreciate it. The Chinese saying, "Great Medicine, Bitter Taste", came to mind when I was reading your reply. I certainly appreciate the strong dosage of the medicine you are giving me.
My husband and I have (had?) this great relationship that people who know us are jealous about. We were both extremely loving, caring and had so much respect for each other. I say "(had)" because that was before our baby came along. Since the arrival of the baby, I haven't been the usual understading, easy-going person that I used to be and he hasn't been this considerate, helpful partner that he used to be. We have had several "discussions" and our relationship was getting a little more abrasive everyday. I finally decided that I want to see a marriage/family therapist. I think that was a wake-up call to him. We had a talk after I told him the therapy idea. I think we were both glad we were forced to have this talk. We are not entirely back to our old-selves yet. But I can definitely see we are heading that direction. I am no longer a short-fuse and he is a lot more involved than before. I am hoping with the baby's increasing mobility, he will feel even more confident in fatherhood. Who knows, we just might not need the therapy after all.
thank you Angela for your advice.......and keep them coming if you feel like it.
I'm glad you picked up that I was actually trying to be helpful, not mean lol. I just feel soooo strongly that parenting is a much easier job when the parents can start from a place that they KNOW they are both loved, and supported, and no matter what, they are in this together. I'm not saying that you can't do it alone--God knows there's a lot of people out there doing just that. But it sure is easier if it's a "team sport".
I know that in my experience with my husband, it is so easy to become focused on the day to day details--washing the little faces, and the little clothes, and cleaning up the messes, and putting the food on the table--that we can lose sight of the big picture--this isn't just what we're doing right now, this is our family, this is our marriage, this is our life. How we DO THIS together represents who we ARE together. It's hard when you have your first baby--everything is changing, and it's not unusual for you to have to work at finding new ways to communicate with each other--it doesn't mean there's anything wrong really, just different. You've added a lot of new words to your emotional dictionaries--you've just got to figure out how to put them into conversation. I promise, just keep talking, and it WILL get easier--and better. :)
Angela
Yeah!!
Daddy gave the baby a bath today and was able to get the baby to eat dinner when I couldn't. I was so frustrated and in walks my husband to help calm me and took care of feeding the baby for me. :-)