just need somone to talk too....

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-29-2004
just need somone to talk too....
7
Sun, 05-02-2004 - 4:44am



ok heres my problem.

me and dh decided that we would have another baby infact im going to the drs on tues to remove my iud so that we can start right away. when i told this to my mil she was alittle upset because she had asked me to have ababy for her and i told her no(her and her new hubby are trying to adopt because she can no longer have children). now that i know she is a little upset about this i dont know if we should try for a child now or just be considerate and wait untill she has adopted. i really dont want to put having a nother baby on hold because this is something that me and dh have been talking about doing for a couple of months now. so heres my question. should we put trying on hold or just do what we want to and not think about how she would feel?either way i am still going to remove my iud on tuesday but if i decided to wait untill she has adopted then i am just going to take the regular bcp.

anyone have any 2cents they would like to put in?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Sun, 05-02-2004 - 9:50am

This is just my opinion and what I would do if I were in this situation.
Sometimes it takes months if not years to have children, for some people. The chances of you becoming pregnant as soon as you start trying are slim, but can be done :)
I think you and your dh should go ahead and do what you plan to do. I understand that she might be hurt, but she cannot expect you two to put your lives on hold because of something she wants.
Some times adoptions can take a long time. Unless she is already in the process of doing it.
I just think you ahould go for it and hope she understands. I think she will, but just is going through a lot of her own to excpet what you two want to do.
Good luck either way and I hope my post does not sounds stupid

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
Sun, 05-02-2004 - 10:26am
Personally, I don't think that your decision to have a baby should be influenced by anyone other than you and your husband (and maybe your other children). It is a HUGE decision, and it needs to be made when it's right for YOU, not ANYONE else. I also don't think that it's right for your MIL to be putting pressure on you to carry a child for her - I know that it's heartbreaking to not be able to conceive a child, but that does not mean that the burden should fall on you. I hope that helps - good luck!

Paige

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2003
Sun, 05-02-2004 - 10:43am
well, you may not like my opinion, but here goes:

first, some background: my mom & dad's divorce was final the month after my wedding. My dad remarried a lady who is only 7 years older than me. They have a son who is 1 year older than my daughter. Now don't get me wrong, I LOVE my "step-mom" and half brother to death, but there are times when I find myself resenting the fact that my dad can't be stictly "grandpa" to my kids. His attention is and always will be divided because he has another kid to consider. I'm not jealous of my brother, but I do feel that my kids are missing out on the traditional "grandpa-grandkids" relationship.

Your MIL has a grown son, and it's time to be a grandma. If she wants to adopt, then it's her business. Don't put your life on hold for fear of offending her. It's your life and you have to live it. You can't spend it trying to please everyone else, because you'll end up regretting your decisions.

I wish I had my kids before my dad got remarried so that he could have experienced being JUST a grandpa for a little while, and my kids could have enjoyed being spoiled with attention like grandkids should.

GL!

Desiree

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Sun, 05-02-2004 - 6:42pm
I'm sorry that this is upsetting you--the decision to have another baby should be a happy one, and this is taking away from your joy (and that's just NOT fair!) If it's at all possible for you, you should *both* sit down with your (or hubby's?)brother and sister in law, and gently explain to them that though you will support them in any other way you can, you can't put your own plans to have children on hold because they are having fertility problems. You need to TELL them how upset this has made you, because you do truly sympathize with them and in no way want to hurt them, but you really are both ready to have a baby now.

I struggled to have our sons. It was hard, and it was emotionally painful--I'll be honest and tell you that yes, it was difficult to watch all the women in our family swelling with babies while I was holding my breath and waiting month after month, year after year. That did not change ONE bit the fact that I was happy FOR them, and glad that they were so thrilled to be having babies. We considered adopting for a while, and investigated it thoroughly. Even if you have already applied at SEVERAL agencies, there is NO guarantee that it will not take months if not years to be chosen by a birth mother, or by the agencies if you're going that route. Even with private adoption, it takes time, and a LOT of money and paperwork--and still no guarantees. It would be even harder on your SIL if you waited until she had been trying to adopt, and potentially ran into problems than it would be now, honestly.

As far as her being upset to your response to her request to carry a baby for you, I'm sorry but that is just completely inappropriate. It's her right to be disappointed, but if she respects you, and cares about you and your husband at all, she should never have expressed that disappointment to you, MUCH less indicated that it should have any bearing on YOUR future family plans. It is a HUGE request, and there are emotional strings and ropes in every direction--TRUST me, we seriously looked at this option. First of all, if you had ANY reservations, SHE should have stopped the conversation right there--after all this is the family she wants to bring a baby into, and hurting the people in it isn't a very good start to a little person's entrance into the world.

My two cents worth, but you should not postpone this decision if her reaction is the only reason. If you both want a baby now, and are ready to start trying, THAT is the criteria for doing it--not if your SIL is ready or not. If she's having that much distress about her inability to have children, the appropriate response is to go to counseling, not to expect everyone else around her to stop getting pregnant because it upsets her. And you still fall into the "simply everyone else" category, regardless of whether she asked you to carry a baby for her or not. Her reaction to you saying no is HER problem, not YOURS. I know that that sounds mean, but I promise you, it's not. She's going to have to deal with her issues about not being able to have children of her own anymore--and THAT is what this is all about, I promise you!! You--or anyone else--can't deal with them for her, and if she doesn't, it WILL influence her abilities as an adoptive mom if she does succeed in adopting.

Soooo.....that's my opinion. I've been on the other side of this fence, and I know that even though it may feel uncomfortable to talk to them, it's going to feel a LOT more uncomfortable if you don't, and then have to wonder from now on how your SIL is going to really feel about and treat your new baby, regardless of when you have one. She's going to be your new child's aunt, and for his or her sake, I would suggest clearing the air as much as possible before he or she comes along....

Angela
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Sun, 05-02-2004 - 7:22pm
First of all, you really need to NOT discuss any future children plans with your MIL. It is completely wrong of her to make you feel upset because you want to start a family and you didn't want to go through all the medical stuff and then pregnancy and all that entails for her. Heck, it was pretty rude of her to ask you to begin with. That is the sort of thing a person should volunteer for, not be asked to do.

Either way, you should not postpone your plans for her. Just don't mention it again and when you do become pregnant, hopefully she can share the joy. If not, then I would limit my exposure to her.

Hopefully, she will either have adopted or started to enjoy her life as is so you can continue the relationship. Listen, she had her shot at parenthood. I am making the grand assumption that she cannot have children because of age or a decision she made to be sterilized. Just because she has a new hubby does not make her younger and such that she should be able to have a new family. She will be a much happier person if she decides just to enjoy her life instead of being jealous.

Good luck.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-2003
Sun, 05-02-2004 - 9:58pm
I have 2 cents to throw in! LOL! First of all I wouldnt have asked you to have a baby for me to begin with. Second she is being very immature about it. I wouldn't wait if you are ready. Anyway it may take awhile for you to become pregnant. Your MIL will come around after you have one. If she don't then thats her tough luck.

Christy

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-29-2004
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 3:58am



i would jusy like to say thank you to all of you ladys who gave me your 2centslol

you dont know how greatful i am that i had such great advice from you all and to think that i had to hear all this from strangers,everyone else that i spoke to besides my dh felt that i was being unfair it is just so great that i had this board to come and vent in. i just wanted to say thank you all so much hearing all this great support has made me feel alot better i now know for sure that im not being a mean person or selfish for thinking of myself. once again thankyou :)

jessica