Just visiting. I've got a question...
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Just visiting. I've got a question...
| Sun, 10-03-2004 - 12:00am |
Hello Everyone,
My name is Rina. I'm not a parent, but I'm planning on helping my good friend out after she has "my nephew". I plan on being there to help her out when her husband goes back to work. He'll be off for a week or two. So I want to be there after he goes back to help her since this is her first baby, she's going to have a C-section and to just be there for support.
What are some good things to keep in mind in helping out a new mom? She plans on breastfeeding. I have never been this much involved with a baby and I want to really help out. Your suggestions would be deeply appreciated.
TIA

When you have a newborn it is hard to get anything done but the best way to mentally recover is to try to get back to normal so I think a good way to help is to just be there and help by holding the baby to give her time to do things like shower, make and drink a cup of coffee (or breakfast, or lunch or whatever), or even just go to the bathroom.
Encourage her to nap too! Maybe you could take the baby for a walk while she naps.
Make dinner, and make double and freeze one batch (eg lasagna or something like that).
That is really nice that you are going to help your friend out. It will make such a difference for her.
HTH
Dolli
New and improved siggy coming soon (which could mean after Christmas)
Rina
First, be sensitive to the fact that no matter how close you are to your friend, she's going to be VERY protective of the new baby, and possibly also VERY emotional--that means that you need to be careful that the help you are offering doesn't make her feel inadequate, or like anyone feels like she isn't capable of taking care of her new baby. I know it sounds silly, but trust me, it happens more often than you may think it does--new moms can take things the complete wrong way simply because they are just exhausted, overwhelmed physically and emotionally, and flooded with super hormones. Help her out with the housework, and "to do" type stuff before helping with the baby--only pick him up when crying/do things for him if she indicates that it's wanted. She NEEDS this early time to bond with him, to get a good sense of how to care for her baby, and also to develop self confidence in her abilities as a mother.
Second, don't take anything personally. If she holes herself up with the baby, or acts nervous when anyone else holds him, she's just working through some anxieties that are TOTALLY beyond her control--it doesn't mean that she thinks you're some horrible person who is going to hurt her baby! New babies can overwhelm you--overwhelming love, overwhelming sense of new responsibility, and on occasion, overwhelming anxiety. Just keep reassuring her on how well she's doing, and that you're there if she needs you, and any positive, gentle thing that you can tell her to make her feel like she's actually in control of the situation... The exception to this is if her behavior is actually erratic or destructive, and you are worried that she may be experiencing ppd. Baby blues are normal, deep depression should never be ignored.
Third, I know it may sound silly, or insignificant, but help her (and hubby) to each feel loved and special too. It's typical that when the baby arrives, everyone is completely enamored of the little bundle, and the parents, who are feeling overwhelmed and wiped out, are pretty much just left out in the cold LOL! It can be something as little as going into the bathroom, after you know that the baby is fed so that she can leave him for a while, and running her a bubble bath--she probably wouldn't to it herself, because it's easy to forget about your own needs--and sit with the baby while she soaks for a while in the tub. Pick up hubby's favorite take out, or arrange a "parent's night in", where you watch Jr. for a couple hours while Mommy and Daddy curl up together to watch a movie they rented, and just spend a little time being together. It can be a lifesaver, I promise, to be reminded gently that you can only be as good a mommy as you are an individual--so mom and dad need to take time out to recharge and remember who they both are as people and a couple, not just parents.
Lastly, reassure her--and encourage her husband to do so as well--that it is OK to accept help, or to tell you that she needs help. It's easy to feel like you're supposed to know it all, and that asking for help is only going to give away that you feel like you're taking a final exam in a class that you never went to. It's normal that after a C-section, for it to be REALLY hard to get around for a while--you kind of feel like, well, someone cut you in half (imagine that). A good thing to do would be to offer to get up and hand her the baby when it cries, so that she doesn't have to turn grey and feel faint every time she's trying to hop up for him. Bending over to pick things up is very difficult, and it's amazing how much 7-10 pounds can feel like it weighs when you still have in surgical staples. Encourage her to slow down, and help her feel more in control by putting the things she needs within arms reach. As far as breasfeeding goes, I have news for you--whoever said that it just comes naturally is FULL of hoo hoo. It's hard work, especially when you've never done it before, and the baby certainly has never done it before. It's kind of the blind leading the blind... Whether she decides to supplement, or go it au natural, just be supportive, and understanding. Breastfeeding is different for every woman, and with every baby. Sometimes it works great. Sometimes it's a fiasco from day one, and it can be SOOO hard to seperate emotionally how well you're doing at it, and how you feel about yourself as a mommy. Don't judge, and help her to not judge herself.
Sometimes the best thing that anyone can do as a friend is just listen--laugh with her, hold her hand, cry with her if she needs to. She may be grumpy and irrational, she may growl at you then cry at you, but in the end, she'll love you dearly for just being there.
Angela
Mommy to Wil (7yrs old), Wes & Wade (4yr old twins)
You can take some classes with her about breastfeeding or parenting, to help you both.
I think it is great that you are trying to help her out, I wish I had someone there when I had my first and second.
Your a good friend.
Good luck to you both.