"kids don't give love, they take it"?!?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
"kids don't give love, they take it"?!?
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Mon, 11-01-2004 - 4:34pm
My minister told me today that children don't really give love- they take it. then, she corrected herself & said 'well, they show it in unexpected ways at unexpected times.

i can't get out of my mind that remark she made: 'children don't give love- they take love.'

is that true??

she doesn't have children (yet) & neither do i.

she does do a lot of sunday school & counseling to children/parents/families.

she has a masters in counseling & her doctorate in divinity.

is she right?

when i see her on sunday- i'm going to ask her why people have children then.

people don't become moms just to be a sacrificial lamb. it's not all being the martyr at the stake.

i know it's a lot of sacrifice & work but it's not all a 1-way street, is it??

thanks for your thoughts.

Kat

 Katrina

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2004

My 16 mth old and 4 year old give me love in many ways!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
As a mom, I don't agree. Children give much more love than they are given and their love is practically unconditional.

As for your minister, it may have something to do with the basic Christian belief that people are born with original sin (or something like that) and that only by prayer and supplication (in some forms of Christianity) can you be "good". Please note that I am Jewish and I may not have all the parts of Christianity down but am telling it to you like I understand.

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Registered: 07-24-2003
Thanks for your replies! My minister is just a standard Presbyterian minister & she wasn't quoting religious teachings.

Her opinion came from her work w/ troubled children & mothers having difficulties (note: she doesn't counsel kids/moms that are doing fine- just those w/ negative experiences).

So, her view is skewed by that. Plus, she's not a mom herself yet.

I told her I want to be a mom & I want my own family- more family, more love... & she said "children don't give love- they take it".

(talk about a heavy, dismal attitude.)

I can't wait to ask her more about why she feels that way. I think she is a bit negative about parenting & I guess she was trying to challenge me to make sure I am prepared.

I am really scared about what she said- like what if she knows something I don't know. I'm kind of annoyed about people putting motherhood down so much in our society these days.

Motherhood is what it's all about. Fatherhood also.

Thanks for your support! Kat

 Katrina
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
when i read the title of your post i just busted up laughing, so i just had to repy :)

i can't speak for your pastor as i have no idea about her parenting or life philosophy, but i can relate a little to what she said. kids do give love, but it's a different relationship than any that you will ever have with anyone else. do my kids love me? yes, of course they do, but they don't love me like an adult would. they DO take, and take and take and take, roflol. and they do it completely guiltlessly and thoughtlessly. they demand my love, my time, and my energy every waking moment of every day, and i give it willingly every second of every day. i put no demands on their love, except for the ocassional bribery for a kiss :D, and ask for nothing in return, and i wouldn't have it any other way. your love for your kids is a one way street in the sense that you would always love them even if they never loved you back. your love would be there irregardless, and a well-loved child knows this and is blissfully selfish, lol. but the amazing thing is the way in which this fact changes the love you get back from your kids.

the love you get from adults always has some strings attached, even the love between a husband and a wife or two very close friends (which occasionally happen to be husband and wife as well, lol). there's always something expected and something requested by adult love. but love from your kids is different. it's "i love you because you love me and i know it" love, and that is so incredible. my kids love for me is completely unforced, i don't require it, i wouldn't withdraw MY love if they didn't, loving them doesn't 'get them anything' so to speak, their love for me is just simply because i love them and i'm good to them and they know it.

so love from your kids isn't couched in the conventional niceties of adult relationships, they won't tell you you're pretty very often or give much of a crap when you're having a bad day, they won't put your needs or wants before their own in a million years, they won't avoid inconveniencing you or embarrasing you in public, they won't go out of their way to make you life easy, but they WILL reward you in a thousand other little ways every single day. when they spend hours making you the world's ugliest mother's day card, or tacky little decorations that only a mother would love, or when they try so hard to make you proud of them, when they actually remember to take their shoes off or unexpectedly follow one of the many rules they usually break, when you hear them brag to one of their little friends "my mommy makes the BESTEST mudpies, they're waaay better than your mommy's", or when they crawl in bed with you at 2 am and (and you inevitably take their side as dh tries to kick them back out so he doesn't have to sleep on the couch AGAIN) and they wrap their sticky little arms around you and whisper "i wuv you mommeee", you know that that's the truest love you're ever going to get in this lifetime.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2004
Well put Clarity! Exactly what I would have said if I hadn't been cleaning Nick's mess he made by dumping the WHOLE bottle of baby powder on the floor..lol.








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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2003
Would you want someone you didn't love to love you? Yes, children take love, but in my opinion, they give it back a million times. Of course they take our love, because they love us!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2003
WHAT????

You can tell her that "I" said everytime my dd (17 months) gives me a hug or a kiss, she gives me love. When she comes to me when she has a problem, she gives me love, when she runs up to me all excited over something, and takes my hand so I can see what she's so happy about, she gives me love. When I am upset, and cry, she will come and give me a hug, or a pat on the knee, and give me a look that clearly says "what's wrong?" again...love. Everything kids do oozzzes love, (execpt for the late night wakings, and gross poopy diapers!!!) I would be interested in knowing where she got that fact from. If that were the truth, people would have 1 kid, realize they were being screwed and getting nothing in return, and never have more, and tell thier friends, and they wouldn't have any either. I don't get it!!!!

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Registered: 01-06-2004
I am guessing here, but maybe she meant as a newborn??
I always

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2003
I find that comment totally offensive if you ask me. And I would decide then and there to leave that church on the basis she has a biased, disturbed view of children. Someone with these kinds of negative thoughts are totally not fit to run a congregation of love and joy. As far as views of Christianity, most views do not believe that mankind is innately evil. That idea orginated with the Puritans (who believed you were either chosen by God to be saved or damned upon birth and no matter what you did during life you could not sway the decision). The only religion that may still hold that belief (or something similar to it) or denomination I should say might be Catholics. But I cannot say that for sure as I am not Catholic. But as denominations go every one of them is different in views.

As far as children not giving love, thats total bologna. It would take someone blind to the love between a mother and child to say that. Having a family is like having people (yes little people) who will always love you as long as you love them. And though that is not a reason to have kids, I don't think any sane rational person would do what mother's do without the wonderful payment of "I love you Mommy." We don't set out to have kids to be matyrs to a cause, we have children to enrich our lives further with love and lessons like sacrifice. Nothing can compare to the moment you give birth, its so moving and untouchable by any other moment you could experience in a lifetime. While I would not recommend any young girl have a baby (which is the only reason I can think a supposed preacher would say something that ignorant) its not because children only take love, its because the amount of work necessary to take care of kids is beyond the workload of any job that I could think of. Just in the last two weeks my kids have been sick continually and the cost of healthcare has put my family in a bind where I will have to drop one of my courses for next semester to make up the cost. Thats what family is ...its sacrifice for the love of your children and their welfare. So the next time she says something so profoundly stupid and unbased..you tell her since she has not been in a "motherly" situation...Judge not lest you be judged. Because she is apparently putting a judgement on my children and all of our children that neither do I appreciate, respect, or agree with.

Mothers are eternal..and the love for their children (and their children for their mothers) is infinite beyond belief.

Angelia

Mother of 2 boys




iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2004
I think that from the day Alexis was born she gave us love, maybe just because she is our first, but everytime she squeezed our finger or cuddled on my chest and fell asleep I felt loved by her. The older she gets the more love she gives... every smile, giggle and long nap. lol. She does take a lot of love too but I feel that I get most of it back. Now that I can stay home with her I feel that way even more.

Julie

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