long distance grandparenting
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| Thu, 04-26-2007 - 8:45pm |
I'm just wondering who else has parents/in-laws who are grandparenting long-distance...and I was wondering how it works out, how often you see each other, how much contact the kids have with them (phone, computer, whatever) between visits, etc etc etc.
My parents are now just 2 hours away since we moved here, which is very nice...it's an easy daytrip when you time it with Ellie's naps and it's nice to have a place to go visit on the holidays. And my parents drive down our way maybe once a month, sometimes stay over for one night. Anyway, that's fine...
but my in-laws are in California...and Ellie is my MIL's only grandchild...and it's getting hard. I'm very close with in in-laws and love them very much, I talk on the phone to my MIL almost daily and I send her pictures at least once or twice a month. I have pictures of Gramma and Grampa hanging up so Ellie can look at them, I made Ell her own little photo album too with pictures of them for her to look at, and I take little videos of the "big things", like her first steps and such, and I share all of them with my in-laws. But it just seems like they want to be here ALL the time, which just isn't possible...they visit every 3 months (staying over for 5-6 days when they do) and my MIL has mentioned how they would like to visit every 2 months. Plus they have a fifth wheel which they would like to bring out and camp near us for the summer, their expectations being that we would get together a couple times a week. My MIL is worried all the time that Ellie is going to forget her, no matter what I say or do I can't seem to reassure her that Ell won't forget her...she is always wanting Ellie to hear her voice and now she's been on me for us to get webcams (I'm not crazy about the idea of a webcam and at 17 months, there is no way that Ellie is going to sit in front of the computer and interact with a webcam...she won't sit still for ANYTHING at this age!)
Anyway, it's causing some strain on the relationship...and the relationship has always been terrific. But I'm feeling a little suffocated at times, like they are just desperate for MORE MORE MORE...my MIL actually made a babybook of Ellie's first year, which bothered me a little bit. I've never known anyone who had a baby book (complete with birth stats and everything) of a baby that they didn't give birth too. And when they visit they just overwhelm Ellie (and me too) with video- and picture-taking. My MIL tells me that I can't understand how much they ache to be with Ellie and how hard it is for them...and no matter that my own family (who now lives within a day's drive) sees her even less than they do!
I just don't know how to deal with it anymore and I'm wondering if anyone else is or has dealt with this before. Do I need to set some boundaries with my in-laws or do I need to just learn to deal with it? Will they calm down some in time or is long-distance grandparenting always a source of drama like this?
Thanks for the opinions!
Krista, 35 year old SAHM
DD 17 months

In my experience, they calm down the older the grandkids get and the more grandkids they have. The web cam might not be a bad idea. We got one and my parents (they live 10 hours away) can just say a quick hi/bye to the kids and it helps them a lot. We send the girls to my parents about 6 times a year for a week. Some parents aren't comfortable with that and that's ok too. They love it and I look forward to it more than they do sometimes! But I can totally trust my mom. She has those kid harness/leash things and has them in strollers and backpacks with the leash tied to her wrist. I think it's over the top but atleast I know someone would have a really hard time nabbing them. And when they built their house, it was built to be child proof.
And as for the whole baby book thing, my sisters mil made one for Abbie. She watched her until she was 14 months old and was like a grandma to her. It didn't bother me too much, I just knew that Abbie was loved very much and it was her nana's way of remembering the milestones that she went thru with Abbie.
HTH
Tara
Currently my dad/step mom and MIL live 4 1/2-5
I am sorry that this is happening Krista.
Ana- the website idea is a cute one and maybe that would be a possibility...I just feel so bad that my MIL always seems so sad and miserable and just DESPERATE for "more" of Ellie to the point where it suffocates and frustrates me! I would like to alleviate some of her longing so we're all more comfortable!
Tara- how old were your kids when they started spending 6 weeks a year with your IL's? Do you drive there or do your kids fly? Do your IL's have carseats/cribs/strollers (if your kids were going to visit them when they still needed those things) or do you drive there with all their gear in tow for them to borrow?
Thanks for the advice everyone!
Krista!
Dan and I grew up in the same town, so all of our extended family is about a 5 1/2 hour drive away.
Here is Bella's website so you can see what I have done.
My IL's live here in town but my parents live in Oregon. My IL's have car seats because they have 12 grandkids in town and almost always have 1 or 2 of them. My parents haven't bought car seats because we have give them the kids car seats, but they have strollers, a play pen, port-a-crib, and a ton of toys.
Last time we met half way and handed them off, then picked them up half way. But we have gone down there for a week or so and then left them there for a week and my parents drive them back. They are still too young to fly by themselves and I don't know if I would ever do that only because by the time we drive to the airport and deal with all that stuff, we would be paying more and it would still take the same amount of time. Plus, with the way things are now, I can only imagine what it will be like in 12 years when they can fly by themselves. (Southwest is the only one with nostops from Spokane, WA to Portland, OR and last I looked, they had to be 12 to fly W/O and adult.)
The first time they went down was when Abbie was 2. She was the only one. Lilli's first time was when she was 1 ans Bree's first time was when she was 7 months or so. I just pumped like crazy and sent all the breast milk down there. She was just starting table foods, so that helped too.
We also sent them there when we were trying to break them of bottles and binkies. For some reason it was super easy there and the whole process only took a day or two. Heck, the last time I sent them all down, Lilli came back potty trained!
They also spend lots of time overnight at my IL's here and that helped them get used to being away from us. But my IL's house was not child proofed and they have 2 big fish ponds that did't have a fence around them. Lilli fell in last spring and my BIL jumped in to get her. It was really scary, and my IL's didn't get to watch any of the 12 kids until a fence went up. We all have older kids now,so they tell us when there is something unsafe and the IL's either take care of it, or they don't get the kids. It sucks, but the mentality of my MIL is unbelieveable sometimes. She doesn't want to child proof because it is her house and the kids ned to learn to stay out of stuff. Her thoughts on that changed when a bottle of gretian voilet (sp) (the purple stuff that is used for thrush) was dumped on her new pale slate floor!
Anyway, sorry for the rant! But if it is something you are considering, this some of the stuff we have had happen and what we have done.
HTH
Tara
I love all the ideas I have gotten here!