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| Mon, 06-14-2004 - 1:14pm |
Hi, I'm a long time lurker on this board. Just reading all your posts keeps me busy without posting anything myself. Lots of different situations, information and interesting stories.
I'll try to keep this down to a minimum. I tend to ramble.
I am now a SAHM, and I LOVE it. I have been staying home now since last October when my littlest one was born. I have a 22 month old too, so they are close in age. I am an older mom. Conception was just a dream for many years, and these 2 gifts were every bit of a blessing as much as a surprise!
I have always been a career woman, had my own bank account, and handled all my finances. DH and I got married shortly after my oldest was born. It's been about 8 months now that I've been at home, and my feelings of devastation still haunt me. It's been so hard for me to give up my independence. I find it extremely difficult NOT having my "own" money.
Not having my own money isn't the only thing that bothers me though...........
What also bothers me, is that I have to ASK for money or use my credit cards if I want to go shopping for anything. I can't even buy a loaf of bread if we need it without using MY credit card. I use the cards I had before we got married which he pays. It's always the minimum amount on it he pays, so I have to call the company to make sure I dont go over. Is this insane? DH and I have no bank account together, no credit cards together, I am not on ANY of his accounts whatsoever. I feel as though I'm getting punished for a previous marriage of financial convenience for his ex. It's not that I want to splurge, I don't buy irrationally at all. I have taken my daughter out to lunch 3 times since she was BORN. Of-course I had to find a place that took credit cards to do it, and I purchase mainly food for the family. If I'm out of shampoo or something like that. Little things. I just don't feel as though we are one. I feel like I am property of DH he has to take care of. Does this make ANY sense? This has been a stewing subject for me for a long time.
I just wanted to know if I'm being petty here? Expecting too much.. afterall he puts a roof over our heads and pays all the bills.
If anyone would like to share, I would like to know how you run your finances as far as spending, joint accounts, am I over reacting? Any moms who used to work, now home having trouble with not having an income?
I just feel like who I am has been taken away from me. I'm not a person anymore, it's hard to explain.
I wanted to get a job when he was home so kids didnt have to go to daycare, he said no. I wanted to babysit, he said it would be too hard on me with our children and having other children here long hours. I wanted to do a paper route in the early mornings, he said no it wouldnt be a good idea because thats my main sleeping time. It's been 8 months and its an ongoing issue with me. I haven't said anything to him. I feel with his past of having and ex who was terrible, that he would feel I was the same. We are in 40-50 thou in debt from it, CS and he pays all health insurance. The CS has dropped recently, SD has come to live with us. (which is a whole other posting!) He makes good money so it isnt that we dont have the finances available, I just think he's a little controling BECAUSE of all the loss of control with his other marriage. Am I on the right page here with this?
Does anyone else feel this way? thanks for reading........... take care.

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First off welcome to the board!
I am going to try to be cautious because I don't want you to go back into lurkdom. But I have to warn you I am very opinionated...lol. I am aslo a very empathetic toward people and I don't like to hear of someone who I feel is in pain. Being a Mom I value and respect you already and feel it would be a dishonor to you if I didn't tell you the truth.
First I want to know, what makes you think you have to take this? Yes, I can see where he would be cautious because of first marrieage. YOU ARE NOT HIS EX WIFE!
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Well I said all that to say this.I think it is very possible that your Hubby isn't trying to control you, he just had a bad experience in the past.Do you feel like he loves you?If so then I would try to handle this very cautiously.Maybe the two of you could work something out that would make you both happy.Some married people just prefer to have separate bank accounts.My Hubby and I have everything in both of our names.He gives me cash when I need it,or I write a check.Maybe your Hubby could give you the ammount of money that it would cost if you had the kids in daycare.Because that is actually what your job is.And that isn't even counting what it would cost to hire someone to do the other things you do-like keep house etc..
Well sorry I rambled on.Hope that helps.
Heather
First off, let me welcome you to the board. My name is Mel. I have 2 beautiful boys and have been a SAHM for 3 years now.
It sounds like a good gripe to me.
I would feel pretty low if in my marriage, I had nothing with my husband.
We are one now that we are married and we share everything, even though I do not make money for the family.
I am just as important as he is.....
I know the feeling of being overwhelmed at staying home, but I am sure it will get better for you.
I don't have much more to say, but I hope that things get better for you.
If he does get upset about your bringing it up, tell him that if he feels uncomfortable paying more than the minimum balance on the credit card, then you are going to have to renew your interest into exploring other methods of bringing in revenue - either a paper route or some part-time babysitting. Something.
If you let him know that you view this as a problem, but one that you will happily share in a solution for, I think you two can address it together. It is quite possible that he will be totally shocked that you want the card paid off each month and has no idea that this has been eating away at you for months. You owe it to both of you to bring it up and try to find some sort of solution that will suit you both. He also needs to understand that you are feeling powerless and silly having to "ask" for money when you have always been so independent.
Good luck - Suzanne
I would suggest that u have a discussion with him over this, and tell him that such tight control is demeaning - and is it fair that u are punished for the ex??
I'm sorry, for what I have to say, but you are not his ex! You are you, and if he does not trust you, there is no marriage.
Marriage is 50/50, a partnership. If you had a problem in the past, that would be one thing. But I would not put up with it. The fact that he doesn't even give you your own money to go the grocery store is astounding! He is putting you in debt! That's not very nice.
He is trying to control you by not letting you find an alternative source of income. Excuses like "that is your sleep time" is lame. It is YOUR sleep time, and if you want to give it up, you can. If you are giving him no time and ignoring him, that would be one thing. But he has you in a cage, from the sounds of it.
Also, if he leaves you, you are SOL.
Solutions? If it would make him feel better, have a household account. Talk to him, nicely first. If this is not resolved by next month, get help, couple counseling, because he needs it.
You deserve RESPECT! You work hard. And I bet you have no idea what he is spending the money on.
My DH and I have an agreement, if something is an expensive or a
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My point is, you need to speak up. Tell him how this makes you feel. The only way you are gonna know he knows is if you tell him. Men do NOT take hints very well. You practically have to tell them twice to get them to understand how we feel.
Good Luck to you!
Elaine
I guess I just wanted my feelings validated. I didn't know whether what I was feeling was justified or whether I was making a mountain out of a mole hill.
I tend to be a person who leans on the more sensitive side.
After reading the posts, I realized that maybe I made DH to be more of a bear than he is. He is a good husband, a good father and excellent provider. As like most men, he tends not to wear his emotions on his sleeve. We can talk about things, I just felt kind of funny thinking that maybe I was blowing this out of proportion. For that reason, I didnt want to say anything or sound like a gold digger.
I DO think he likes to be in control because of his past disaster of a marriage. It's unfortunate that he tends to be leary as there isn't anything to be leary about. He was married 12 years so I guess it will take some time. He really got burned BAD. He gave her the house AND all contents, half retirement, half 401K in cash, half all stocks, he took all debt, paid CS and is responsible for medical. All he took was his clothes and tools he had before they married. She really made out good. BUT, it's not an excuse to be this way with me although I understand.
I guess a lot of it is my fault too because I havent taken this issue to him. He isn't one to start a deep conversation, but he will contribute if I want to discuss things. I know how much hurt his past has caused him and I just didn't want to say anything especially when I thought it may have just been me.
Unfortunately the add for the paper route isnt in the paper. I will keep watching. This route would have made 175 a week for 3 hours a night!!! Night meaning 1am which would have been perfect, no sitter needed. I think 175 a would be quite enough for me to buy my kids a happy meal or a toy don't you?
The route I was told takes 4 days to train, so maybe the person will not like it or want something else. If it comes available again, I will take it, and talk to my husband and tell him WHY I want the route. He's never talked mean, asked me how much I spent, or made an issue of anything I've bought. I really dont think hes aware of how I feel and if he did know I think he would be okay with something part time as long as the kids didnt go to daycare. Thats one thing we both want to avoid at all costs. I think it is so important to be home with the kids. Its the most stressful, emotional,physical and rewarding job anyone could have. WE are SO important, and my husband knows this as well.
Thank you for sharing your stories, and input. I will have a talk with him, when I do, I will post.
Have a good weekend!!! and thanks again, you all are great!!!
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