Might have the wrong board to post

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2004
Might have the wrong board to post
11
Mon, 06-14-2004 - 1:14pm
this question.

Hi, I'm a long time lurker on this board. Just reading all your posts keeps me busy without posting anything myself. Lots of different situations, information and interesting stories.

I'll try to keep this down to a minimum. I tend to ramble.

I am now a SAHM, and I LOVE it. I have been staying home now since last October when my littlest one was born. I have a 22 month old too, so they are close in age. I am an older mom. Conception was just a dream for many years, and these 2 gifts were every bit of a blessing as much as a surprise!

I have always been a career woman, had my own bank account, and handled all my finances. DH and I got married shortly after my oldest was born. It's been about 8 months now that I've been at home, and my feelings of devastation still haunt me. It's been so hard for me to give up my independence. I find it extremely difficult NOT having my "own" money.

Not having my own money isn't the only thing that bothers me though...........

What also bothers me, is that I have to ASK for money or use my credit cards if I want to go shopping for anything. I can't even buy a loaf of bread if we need it without using MY credit card. I use the cards I had before we got married which he pays. It's always the minimum amount on it he pays, so I have to call the company to make sure I dont go over. Is this insane? DH and I have no bank account together, no credit cards together, I am not on ANY of his accounts whatsoever. I feel as though I'm getting punished for a previous marriage of financial convenience for his ex. It's not that I want to splurge, I don't buy irrationally at all. I have taken my daughter out to lunch 3 times since she was BORN. Of-course I had to find a place that took credit cards to do it, and I purchase mainly food for the family. If I'm out of shampoo or something like that. Little things. I just don't feel as though we are one. I feel like I am property of DH he has to take care of. Does this make ANY sense? This has been a stewing subject for me for a long time.

I just wanted to know if I'm being petty here? Expecting too much.. afterall he puts a roof over our heads and pays all the bills.

If anyone would like to share, I would like to know how you run your finances as far as spending, joint accounts, am I over reacting? Any moms who used to work, now home having trouble with not having an income?

I just feel like who I am has been taken away from me. I'm not a person anymore, it's hard to explain.

I wanted to get a job when he was home so kids didnt have to go to daycare, he said no. I wanted to babysit, he said it would be too hard on me with our children and having other children here long hours. I wanted to do a paper route in the early mornings, he said no it wouldnt be a good idea because thats my main sleeping time. It's been 8 months and its an ongoing issue with me. I haven't said anything to him. I feel with his past of having and ex who was terrible, that he would feel I was the same. We are in 40-50 thou in debt from it, CS and he pays all health insurance. The CS has dropped recently, SD has come to live with us. (which is a whole other posting!) He makes good money so it isnt that we dont have the finances available, I just think he's a little controling BECAUSE of all the loss of control with his other marriage. Am I on the right page here with this?

Does anyone else feel this way? thanks for reading........... take care.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2004
Mon, 06-14-2004 - 4:48pm

First off welcome to the board!


I am going to try to be cautious because I don't want you to go back into lurkdom. But I have to warn you I am very opinionated...lol. I am aslo a very empathetic toward people and I don't like to hear of someone who I feel is in pain. Being a Mom I value and respect you already and feel it would be a dishonor to you if I didn't tell you the truth.


First I want to know, what makes you think you have to take this? Yes, I can see where he would be cautious because of first marrieage. YOU ARE NOT HIS EX WIFE!

Are you a M.O.M-Mom of Many? Find other M.O.M's

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2004
Mon, 06-14-2004 - 5:36pm
Hi!Well here is my 2cents;I am also married to a man who was divorced.He was married for almost ten years,and his ex-wife cheated on him twice,and finally ran off with another man.Well,now as a result he is always very concerned if he thinks that another man is flirting with me etc...If I even mention anything complimentary about another man he doesn't like it.He isn't trying to control me,he just got"burned" once and is afraid of it happening again.

Well I said all that to say this.I think it is very possible that your Hubby isn't trying to control you, he just had a bad experience in the past.Do you feel like he loves you?If so then I would try to handle this very cautiously.Maybe the two of you could work something out that would make you both happy.Some married people just prefer to have separate bank accounts.My Hubby and I have everything in both of our names.He gives me cash when I need it,or I write a check.Maybe your Hubby could give you the ammount of money that it would cost if you had the kids in daycare.Because that is actually what your job is.And that isn't even counting what it would cost to hire someone to do the other things you do-like keep house etc..

Well sorry I rambled on.Hope that helps.

Heather

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Mon, 06-14-2004 - 6:35pm

First off, let me welcome you to the board. My name is Mel. I have 2 beautiful boys and have been a SAHM for 3 years now.
It sounds like a good gripe to me.
I would feel pretty low if in my marriage, I had nothing with my husband.
We are one now that we are married and we share everything, even though I do not make money for the family.
I am just as important as he is.....
I know the feeling of being overwhelmed at staying home, but I am sure it will get better for you.
I don't have much more to say, but I hope that things get better for you.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2000
Tue, 06-15-2004 - 10:33am
I think you can keep largely separate finances and still address this issue. If you were to sit down and go through all of your old credit info for the prior 12 mo, you could easily come up with an average $ amount per month that you need to spend on household items, gas, groceries, etc. Then you and your DH need to sit down and have a conversation about the ongoing interest rates being charged monthly on your credit card to the portions that aren't being paid off. I believe that you could have the conversation in an entirely nonthreatening manner. Just say that the charges make you uncomfortable and that you two need to figure out a monthly household amount that can be deposited into your bank account (maybe even arrange an automatic transfer or direct deposit from his payroll (my DH has direct deposit into multiple accounts).

If he does get upset about your bringing it up, tell him that if he feels uncomfortable paying more than the minimum balance on the credit card, then you are going to have to renew your interest into exploring other methods of bringing in revenue - either a paper route or some part-time babysitting. Something.

If you let him know that you view this as a problem, but one that you will happily share in a solution for, I think you two can address it together. It is quite possible that he will be totally shocked that you want the card paid off each month and has no idea that this has been eating away at you for months. You owe it to both of you to bring it up and try to find some sort of solution that will suit you both. He also needs to understand that you are feeling powerless and silly having to "ask" for money when you have always been so independent.

Good luck - Suzanne

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2004
Tue, 06-15-2004 - 7:12pm
Firstly, you are NOT being petty!! or expecting too much!! Of course you shouldn't have to pay with your credit card! Setting aside his issues over his ex, his whole attitude seems to be that he is in full and total control, and he is trying to control you thru' the money issue (and just a thought here, but if you pay for everything with a cc, then he can know exactly where and what you have been doing!!) He does not seem to be treating u like an equal, but like a child!

I would suggest that u have a discussion with him over this, and tell him that such tight control is demeaning - and is it fair that u are punished for the ex??

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 9:32am

I'm sorry, for what I have to say, but you are not his ex! You are you, and if he does not trust you, there is no marriage.


Marriage is 50/50, a partnership. If you had a problem in the past, that would be one thing. But I would not put up with it. The fact that he doesn't even give you your own money to go the grocery store is astounding! He is putting you in debt! That's not very nice.


He is trying to control you by not letting you find an alternative source of income. Excuses like "that is your sleep time" is lame. It is YOUR sleep time, and if you want to give it up, you can. If you are giving him no time and ignoring him, that would be one thing. But he has you in a cage, from the sounds of it.


Also, if he leaves you, you are SOL.


Solutions? If it would make him feel better, have a household account. Talk to him, nicely first. If this is not resolved by next month, get help, couple counseling, because he needs it.


You deserve RESPECT! You work hard. And I bet you have no idea what he is spending the money on.


My DH and I have an agreement, if something is an expensive or a

------------------------------------


~ ~ Follow your passion!:&n

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2004
Thu, 06-17-2004 - 4:08am
I can relate to your story a bit. I am a SAHM and have been since 7/03. You do feel like a part of you has been taken away. You are no longer Jane Doe. You are mommy, wife, and housekeeper. I absolutely hate having to ask for anything from anyone. My husband doesn't seem to me to the extremes like your husband, but he holds it over my head that I do not work. I cannot contribute financially so I can't buy anything. We are generally broke most of the time so I never try to spend. Little things make me happy though. All I want is to buy some make up, hair goo, whatever. I just want to say to him sometimes, "Damn it! I want to act like a girl sometimes. I'd like to be primping and reading magazines!!!" I just want to be me again. I am working on being me again. I'm still teh same person, just have ALOT more responsibility. I'm okay with that. It seems your husband has a bad taste in mouth when it comes to women, due to his lovely ex-wife. THAT IS NOT YOUR FAULT! You are not her and will never be her. Don't let your husband run the show because it will just run you down till you just don't even bother anymore. Say what you need to say and make him understand how you feel. If he loves you, he will listen and hopefully try to understand where you are coming from. The same goes for him. He needs to explain his self. Why is he the way he is? Does he not trust you? Talk. The best thing in a marriage is communication. A marriage is a partnership. I don't know how much help I am. I am only 25 so maybe what I say is a bunch of bull. You take it how'd like. Let me know how things go. I don't ever want anybody to feel bad or insignifigant. Life's to short to put up with crap from others.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 06-17-2004 - 7:36am
I have been where you are and I remember how it felt. When I first started staying home, I clipped coupons and felt like since I didn't have an income, I couldn't get what I wanted when I wanted it. I've been home almost 6 years now. A LOT has changed since then. I finally had to have "the talk" with my DH about how I felt. I told him he'd have to either give me an allowance or stop making me feel like I had to justify every purchase I made. Luckily, for us, we paid off all our credit card debt a long time ago. So I just use our check card/visa for purchases. But I still feel a twinge of guilt. I have put stuff back at the store that was for me and remind myself of my mother all the time for doing it. After our talk, my DH was a lot better about not asking what I spent X amount of money on. He knows I don't spend impulsively anymore and if I buy something, it's because we need it. But our money is "our" money, not his or mine. I remember once we wanted a comforter set at Sears. They had a special offer if you signed up for their credit card (which we had planned on paying off the first month and closing the account). I went to fill out the application and my DH said "they won't give you credit, you don't have a job!!" I saw RED!!! We had a nice talk on the way home about how that made me feel very low and I take my "job" very seriously and when people compliment us on how well behaved our kids are it's because of ME that they are the way they are!! He never has said anything like that ever again to me. He now comes home and compliments or thanks me for doing the laundry, tells me the house looks nice etc.

My point is, you need to speak up. Tell him how this makes you feel. The only way you are gonna know he knows is if you tell him. Men do NOT take hints very well. You practically have to tell them twice to get them to understand how we feel.

Good Luck to you!

Elaine

Avatar for my3girls2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-17-2004 - 7:57am
Just wanted to say Good Luck, I have to agree with most of the posters already,,, get the job if you want,, I have done in home daycare for 12 years now,, it's what keeps me home with my girls!! I think it will be hard the 1st few times you put your foot down, But don;t give up,,, stay firm,, GL,, Let us know what you do!!
Kim~
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2004
Fri, 06-18-2004 - 10:55am
Thank you all for replying to my post.

I guess I just wanted my feelings validated. I didn't know whether what I was feeling was justified or whether I was making a mountain out of a mole hill.

I tend to be a person who leans on the more sensitive side.

After reading the posts, I realized that maybe I made DH to be more of a bear than he is. He is a good husband, a good father and excellent provider. As like most men, he tends not to wear his emotions on his sleeve. We can talk about things, I just felt kind of funny thinking that maybe I was blowing this out of proportion. For that reason, I didnt want to say anything or sound like a gold digger.

I DO think he likes to be in control because of his past disaster of a marriage. It's unfortunate that he tends to be leary as there isn't anything to be leary about. He was married 12 years so I guess it will take some time. He really got burned BAD. He gave her the house AND all contents, half retirement, half 401K in cash, half all stocks, he took all debt, paid CS and is responsible for medical. All he took was his clothes and tools he had before they married. She really made out good. BUT, it's not an excuse to be this way with me although I understand.

I guess a lot of it is my fault too because I havent taken this issue to him. He isn't one to start a deep conversation, but he will contribute if I want to discuss things. I know how much hurt his past has caused him and I just didn't want to say anything especially when I thought it may have just been me.

Unfortunately the add for the paper route isnt in the paper. I will keep watching. This route would have made 175 a week for 3 hours a night!!! Night meaning 1am which would have been perfect, no sitter needed. I think 175 a would be quite enough for me to buy my kids a happy meal or a toy don't you?

The route I was told takes 4 days to train, so maybe the person will not like it or want something else. If it comes available again, I will take it, and talk to my husband and tell him WHY I want the route. He's never talked mean, asked me how much I spent, or made an issue of anything I've bought. I really dont think hes aware of how I feel and if he did know I think he would be okay with something part time as long as the kids didnt go to daycare. Thats one thing we both want to avoid at all costs. I think it is so important to be home with the kids. Its the most stressful, emotional,physical and rewarding job anyone could have. WE are SO important, and my husband knows this as well.

Thank you for sharing your stories, and input. I will have a talk with him, when I do, I will post.

Have a good weekend!!! and thanks again, you all are great!!!

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