Mommy as Martyr

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2003
Mommy as Martyr
13
Fri, 02-20-2004 - 9:29am
Hi everyone!

I have a question.

Recently, I sent an email to my mom saying that I was feeling like I am at the bottom of the list. Kids first, then husband, then mom, way down at the bottom. I have given up everything that I enjoyed to stay home (going out with friends, piano lessons, waxing appointments, etc.) I am sure that we have all made sacrafices for the sake of the family and the kids. In the email that I sent to my mom, I was basically feeling bad about it.

What she said back is that I was being selfish and now that I am a mom, the kids DO come first and I should have thought of that before I had them. I should just be happy being healthy. Like the "eat what's on your plate because there are starving people in China" mentality.

But I contend that I grew up with this "martyr" of a mother. She always cleaned. Never went out with friends. Never bought herself anything. Didn't spend any money, period. My mom wasn't happy. I think that she romantizes being a stay-at-home home now, but at the time, she was always, always cleaning and busy being broke.

Anyway, my question is:

Am I wrong to want some of the little things back? Like my waxing appointments? Does everyone think that you (as the mom) have to give up everything for the kids and the husband? Sometimes, I feel like the fact that I gave up my career and my body is enough. Am I just the most selfish, ungrateful person?

Thanks for any imput. Even if you agree with my mom.

;)

Melissa
Meldi

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003
In reply to: meldi
Sat, 02-21-2004 - 11:38pm
You ARE at the botom of the list LOL, right now. Life is about ages and stages. It will get better! And someday, when your DD is telling you she is embarrssed by you and refuses to be seen with you , you will wish she needed you as much as she does now.
Melynda

Mommy to Ella (4/99) and Mckenna (6/20/03)



An immaculate house is a sign of a misspent life.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2003
In reply to: meldi
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 9:06am
Thanks again, everyone!

I really appreciate all the imput. I ended up having a great weekend and actually missing my daughter and husband after a marathon day of shopping (and not buying, but living vicariously through my single sister-in-law) on Sunday.

Now my main concern is not eating every single one of the Thin Mints that we bought from every troop in the neighborhood! ha ha

Thanks,

Melissa
Meldi
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2003
In reply to: meldi
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 11:47am
Melissa,

Your feelings aren't good are bad, they just are. And it is o.k. God, sometimes I miss "my old life." But this one is soo much better. You may have seen your mother as a matyr, maybe she made you feel guilty about "having" to stay home. But try to recoup. We have 3 sons aged 11 to 3 and a daughter on the way. It is very, very overwhelming. But my DH does give me time, unlike the men from our parents day. I get to visit with friends and he watches the kids or sometimes I stay home while he is playing ball or something. The sacrifices are VERY worth it. Hang in there and pray. Gotta run and pick up sick kid from school...just think I don't have to take another day off and argue with the boss and try to find a babysitter for tomorrow!!

Good luck

Cindy

Baby Names - BabyNamey.com Name Badge Ticker

Pages