My heart is breaking

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2005
My heart is breaking
8
Mon, 09-12-2005 - 10:43am

for my little girl...


Ever since she started school she's been talking about these two little girls Mikaela and Chassidy. Friday when I picked her up she was so excited because she and Chassidy ate lunch together and played together during recess. She spent hours yesterday making cards and pictures to give to her new friends.


Well last night I was talking to her and asking some questions about them, and she told me that a few days ago Mikaela and Chassidy yelled at her during recess and told her that they didn't want to play with her. I asked Natalie how she felt and what was her response... she told me that it made her sad and she didn't say anything but went and sat on the hill by herself. I asked her how they've been treating her since and she said that they've been nice to her.


Kyle took Natalie to class this morning, and the teacher wanted to talk to him about some concerns she was having. It turns out that Natalie hasn't actually been playing with these girls, just playing along side them. The teacher also said that Natalie is having a really hard time adjusting socially with the other kids... she's really quiet and reserved. She also said that she has to repeat things several times to Natalie because she just "spaces out" (which I've read that oppositional defiant disorder is often coupled with ADD).


My heart is breaking for her... she wants so desperately to be friends and play with these girls. I just hope the cards she made for them are well received (based on their previous behavior I'm really concerned)... kids can be so cruel sometimes.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2003
Mon, 09-12-2005 - 12:50pm
My dd is 14 now but when she was in second grade she had the same thing happen. She had switched schools and wanted to be friends with two girls who had been friends since they were babies. I realize it really hurts to watch this but believe me, it will pass. I don't think cards and letters will help. I told my daughter that what was important was, did she want them to like her and play with her or did she want to like them and play with them? Meaning, were they worth her friendship or not? I suggested that she find friends who seemed to like being around her. My dd also has been diagnosed with ADD and that played a part in how we approached it. We made sure she learned not to be bossy, learned to listen and learned to like herself. Now that shes a teenager she has lots of self confidence b/c (and these are her words) she stuck up for herself, went where she felt she was welcomed and made friends with people she liked. It takes awhile to instill this thought pattern into them but you're right. Girls can be brutal when alienating someone and one little power trip can be devastating to the girl who has the brunt of it put on her. Just keep telling your daughter shes strong, smart, and most of all, loved. Just my two cents. Hope it helps.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2005
Mon, 09-12-2005 - 1:05pm

Desiree, I don't what to say to make you or Natalie feel better, but only give BIG ((((((HUGS))))))) to you both. I would be feeling the same way too. I know kids can be cruel and it hurts even more when they are doing that to one of our own. But tell her to hang in there. She will have plenty of friends that won't mistreat her before she knows it.

Olivia

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&nbs
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2004
Mon, 09-12-2005 - 9:11pm
Man, no one wants to see their child hurt!
Avatar for me_n_my_gals
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-13-2005 - 6:32am

Many hugs to you and Natalie. This is such a hard thing to deal with. My dd Katie (in 3rd grade) has had an on/off relationship with a little girl in her class for about a year now. She spent some time with her over the summer, playdates, etc. and then school started again. Well, Katie played with K.R. (the girls she has been friends with) quite a bit when school started. We also have a neighbor (K.H.) who Katie spent time with, and she also rides the bus with her. Pretty soon, things got ugly. Katie, who I am teaching must be nice to everyone, weather she is friends with them or not, was shoved out by the other 2 girls. Yesterday, when I got to school for recess duty, Katie was in tears. The K.H. and K.R. were practicing a dance, and were originally including Katie. However, since Katie wasn't doing it right, she got kicked out of the "club". So now, KH and KR have been hanging out as a 3some with Kate, but took this to be their opportunity to get rid of her. There is truly lots of drama with 3rd grade, let me tell ya. Anyhow, what I see happening, as I see it all the time, is KR is very bossy, overbearing, and rude to all the kids on the playground. She only plays with them and is nice to them when she wants to be. She played with Katie over the summer, and the whole time she was at our house, kept telling Katie that her little sister was a pest, her mom's rules were stupid (a word our kids aren't allowed to use), was trying to convince Katie to "sneak" things out of the house, etc. These are all things I don't allow. My other problem is, the girl caused some trouble last year, and all the teachers at school think KR is just wonderful (she is a very smart girl) and she wouldn't do all thos things. So, bottom line, Katie went in crying at recess (some other very sweet girls from Katie's class played with her the rest of recess) and I told her she needed to talk to her teacher about it. So she did. Some sort of adult intervention must have happened, as well, because after school, Katie got a call from KR, apologizing. I wonder if her teacher contacted her mom. I'll have to find out..... This girl is also famous for being mean, and then later on in recess, come to find Katie and be really nice to her so she can play with her. Basically, only plays with her when she feels like it.

Anyhow, what I'm trying to say is, I always tell my girls that they must be nice to everyone (the golden rule, you know - treat others the way you would also want to be treated), however, they don't have to play with everyone. I told her, it probably wouldn't be any fun to play with someone who doesn't want to play with you.

I just want you to see that it is certainly not just your dd who is having trouble. I realize how tough it is to see your child not liked or played with by other children. It is truly heartbreaking. My suggestion to you is to try getting her involved in some sort of afterschool activity. Do they have a Daisy Scout troop at her school (you know, the step before Brownies?). I found that Molly did well in Daisies, and made some really nice little friends. I wish I could do more for you, Desiree. It is really hard. I'm sure Natalie will adjust. It will just take a little while. Kids can be so cruel. I don't know why that is. Keep encouraging her - tell her what a wonderful, smart girl she is.

Hugs to you both,
Wendy
(sorry for rambling - I found it a good outlet myself - LOL!).

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2004
Tue, 09-13-2005 - 7:07am

Oh goodness, the queenbee syndrome already. As a former pre-k teacher I think the only help for this is instilling your child with so much confidence that she does not need someone who is not a true friend. I would not let her go out of her way to try and make friends with these girls. Instead I would encourage her to know how true friends act and treat you.


I wouldn't not worry yet about her socially. She is in kindergarten and this is typical behavior. I would however ask the teacher to encourage others to play together on the playground. The teacher can be a catalyst to starting friendships.


I was a space out too! lol It was just that I had a huge imagination and was bored mostly in school. It was just my personality. I had to have something catch my attention. I still live in my head a lot even now. I am not sure there IS anything to do for that.


One more thing, I know there is this expert I am always hearing about in Dallas that is the best at diagnosing ADD. They say you actually

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2005
Tue, 09-13-2005 - 1:41pm

Thank you all for your kind words and encouragement...


When I picked

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-2004
Tue, 09-13-2005 - 4:37pm
Desiree,
Im SOO glad everything went well, or at least Mikeala wasn't mean to Natalie. I hope things continue to improve for her :) Please keep us udpated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2004
Tue, 09-13-2005 - 10:19pm

That

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