Need Advice

Avatar for peaceingod
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Need Advice
8
Fri, 06-10-2005 - 9:29am

Hi all,

I am wondering if any of you struggle with the dilemma as to whether you should stay home with your kids or go back to work. I have 3 kids - 6,4,2. My husband is a school teacher and paints in the summer so we get by with what he makes but don't have much extra. I believe it is important for me to be here with the kids but struggle with whether I am doing the wrong thing not going out and getting a full time job. Opinions please??

Cathie

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2003
In reply to: peaceingod
Fri, 06-10-2005 - 9:34am

It is purely a personal decision .

We have four kids none school age so it would actually cost me money to work but i also have a hard time trusting daycares I have seen to many horror stories maybe I am just anal I dunno.

I also think when ppl have children they should raise them thereselfs if financial possible

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2005
In reply to: peaceingod
Fri, 06-10-2005 - 2:37pm

Hi Cathie, I do not think you should struggle with whether your doing the wrong thing or not. It is never a "wrong thing" to stay home with your children. We do not have extra money either, but I am so thankful to God that I get to stay home with them. Just yesterday there was a post about the 2 year old being forgotten by the daycare worker and left in the car where she eventually died. I think that is horrible and it seems like something bad is happening in daycares everyday in different cities. I was not able to stay home with my older children and I missed soooo much. I do not want to go through that again with my son who is only 6 months. Sometimes I do think we would be doing a lot better financially if I started working again, but at the same time we would just be spending more money on things we don't need and my kids would have to be left with my mother and of course I would have to pay her to watch them. Also, what you are doing is a full time job. Especially with 3 little ones at home. I wish you luck on your decision and keep us posted.

Olivia

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&nbs
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2004
In reply to: peaceingod
Sat, 06-11-2005 - 4:52am
Cathie, you know it's not whether I struggle with it, it's other ppl that constantly make remarks. Even one of my friends that has a 2yr old just asked the other day if I was going back to work after baby #3 is born. Um hello I haven't worked since 01 when #1 was born why would I go back after #3 and pay daycare for 3 kids?! I love being at home and am thankful that my dh works so hard for me to have this privillege!!! If you have the means and the desire to be with your children then you're doing the right thing. It is a personal decision you have to make. Ok it's very late and I have insomnia so if this makes no sense I'm sorry, lol! I hope I said something of value, lol! :)
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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2004
In reply to: peaceingod
Sun, 06-12-2005 - 3:23pm

I also think it's the individual's decision. Sometimes, it does have to do with money, sometimes it has to do with SANITY, sometimes, other issues. One poster said she thinks if you are financially able, you should raise your children yourself. Well, that depends, in my opinion. For instance, if you are like ME who didn't realize how much you would miss work and adult interaction all day and you are a basket case with your children, then maybe it's best TO work...it all depends. I am probably going to go back to work soon, and I absolutely don't have to...financially, we have no problems, my dh makes enough that I don't have to work. But it might be BEST for me AND my ds and my family if I DO go back to work to keep me sane and so I can appreciate the time I do have with my ds more.

You can find a million women who will argue to stay at home and you can find a million who advocate to work..each will have their own reasons. I think it boils down to what is best for YOUR family. Some families really absolutely need for a parent to be home due to the children's temperament or even the parent's. Some families really absolutely need for both parents to work so that everyone remains happy. Maybe the mom needs to work to feel like a person and have an identity other than "Mommy" or "wife." Some children, even babies are soooo incredibly social and NEED to be around others all day...others BESIDES Mommy all day long every day. And for those that say "just join a play group or get involved in the community," well, not everyone has a community big enough to do that or might not know many others with babies to hang out with. Some people find it difficult just to make it through the day with a baby let alone going out and finding other women to develop meaningful friendships, esp. if you've just moved to a new town or your town is small and you have no family living near you. Some women do better working for the first year or two and THEN staying at home once the child can communicate more and can be taught better b/c s/he understands more. Some would argue that the parents are the best care providers for their children, and I'm not so sure in EVERY case that they are, esp. if they are new parents. For me, it's going to be worth paying someone to watch my ds all day even if it takes the majority of what I make (I have a Master's Degree, so it will probably not affect us that much) b/c we'll all be happier. So, to get to my point..there really is one...it is different issues for every family...some financial, some preference, some social needs, etc.

Also, and this is REALLY important, I think...you do NOT HAVE TO USE A MASS DAYCARE. That is what totally confuses me about the SAH vs. Work issue...many think you EITHER stay at home OR you use DAYCARE....NO, NO, NO, NO, and NO!!! Daycare seems to have all these nasty connotations to it...I have a friend who runs a "daycare" out of her home...she is licensed, she has a Bachelor's Degree in Early childhood Education, and she does pre-school with the ones who are old enough. Her "daycare" is NOT a standard run of the mill daycare like so many mention. It's in her home, it's only 5 kids, they are all similiar ages, and she's in DEMAND b/c of how well the kids do. THAT is the type of situation I would call ideal if I'm not going to stay at home myself. Or there is church daycare facilities. Some are so reputable they have waiting lists. Some Grandmas want to keep a kid or two all day for MUCH less money than a mass daycare. My point is that there are options. If I go back to work, it will be at a local college, and guess what? They have a facility on campus where I can go see my ds anytime I want to. Mass daycare is not a MUST if you work.

So don't feel guilty about whatever choice you make b/c it's YOUR family that has to be happy with the decision in the end, not anybody else's.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2003
In reply to: peaceingod
Sun, 06-12-2005 - 3:27pm
home day cares can be just as sloppily run as mass daycares ...here in ct a little boy 18 months fell in a kiddie pool the daycare women was busy didnt relize and the poor thing drown . Accidents happen but just because a daycare is run from the home doesnt make it any better just like with anything you really need to check it out good
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2004
In reply to: peaceingod
Sun, 06-12-2005 - 6:24pm

I absolutely agree that home daycares can be "as sloppy" as mass daycares, but I never implied that I would put my child in a home daycare I hadn't checked out thoroghly. I would probably try word of mouth by someone I trusted or someone my dh worked with. Of course, check out anywhere you would put your child in and then recheck it...you can even get background checks on the employees (I used to be in private investigation and employee screening as well). And also, I know someone who used a mass daycare and swore her daughter was never happier than when she went there. So it really is about checking out wherever you are placing your kids...my point before was not to kill the idea of using "other care" if you want to or need to. Daycare is not the root of all evil, and I am definitely one who is very very picky about where I would put my child. Otherwise, if I wasn't satisfied with what I found, I wouldn't do it (b/c I have a CHOICE to not work...but others DON'T and I feel those people are constantly persecuted for something they have to do). So...not trying to get a rise out of anyone, but I guess I'm a little tired of the thinking that it's SAH or daycare that is going to "ruin our children." It's not true, and some are actually better off there than at home all day getting no interaction with other children or people due to whatever reason. I'm just saying to realize that there are other options even if you don't "have" to work...you CAN work and not have to feel guilty about it. It's ridiculous that sometimes we have to feel like we can't win...someone posted that she gets asked all the time if she's going to go back to work (like the people who ask think she should, I guess, or that's just how they lived themselves), and she isn't thinking of doing that...that is FINE!!!! But then there are those who ARE going to go back to work and it's by CHOICE, not necessity, and they are judged, TOO!!! It's almost like we can't win unless we are doing what is seen by society as "necessary" and not "choice." We are judged too much. There is my two cents for what it's worth.

Debbie

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2005
In reply to: peaceingod
Sun, 06-12-2005 - 7:15pm

Hi Cathie!

We struggle all the time with money not necessarily the idea of me going back to work. I am a SAHM of 5, 7yrs and under. My most recent Nathan of almost 6 months. (I noticed that you have a boy born on the same day as my son Isaac! (NEAT!)
Anyway, my husband started his own business a few years back and we have basically just been getting by. Yes we make several sacrifices (mainly our new home not being entirely complete). But I believe it it worth it. They are only little for such a short time. I will go back to work when my youngest is in school. But when I do go back to work it will only be part-time for sure. Too much to do around here for a full time job.
Anyhow that is my two cents worth. Hope it helped!

Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2003
In reply to: peaceingod
Mon, 06-13-2005 - 8:09am
I agree actually ....I think some women need to work to remain sane there has definatly been times that I thought if I didnt get a job I would go crazy lol