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| Thu, 04-12-2007 - 8:23pm |
I've been a lurker on this board for a while, and I thought I could ask you for some advice. My name is Elizabeth, and I'm mom to a gorgeous baby boy age 5 months. My DH and I have been married for 2 years. My problem is he has 2 kids from another marriage, a boy and a girl, ages 9 and 13 and they completely drive me nuts. I tried when we were first together to be a good friend to them, but they never accepted me as part of their lives and resent me for marrying their dad. I just gave up. My husband works long hours and I'm alone with them. They're mom only sees them on the weekends, and she's a total mess. I can't stand her. She's the ex from he**! She and I don't get along. My stepkids are a lot like her. They are ungrateful and demanding. When I look at them, I'm reminded of my DH's former marriage and relationship with his ex, because they even look like her. Frankly, I admit I'm jealous of my DH's relationship with my stepkids. I feel he puts them first and loves them most and I would just give anything to have him not have kids from a past marriage. It's really hard. It's so hard I find myself drinking a little during the day and into the evening to get myself through. Just a shot here and there, or one or two drinks, nothing major. I'm really unhappy. I love my son so much, and my husband too, and I want to stay home with my son, but I'm considering putting him in daycare and going back to work because I can't stand being around my stepkids anymore. If I did that, they would be latch-key kids though, because they're too old for daycare, and I don't even trust them in our house without me.
I welcome any advice you can give me.
Elizabeth

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Elizabeth,
I understand that it can be difficult dealing with an ex-wife and kids from a previous relationship. My DH has two kids from his prior marriage (5 & 7) but unfortunately we do not get to see them, do not get to talk to them, and the only time the ex calls is at the end of the month when she is expecting child support. We can only hope that one day things will turn around and my husband will be able to see and spend time with his other two kids, but it doesn't look like that will ever happen. I an envious that your husband gets to have his kids. You could not understand the pain my husband is in from having his two kids ripped away from him (trust me there is such a long story here it would take so long to tell) and have his ex-wife treat him like all he is good for was sperm and now money. He pays her the child support the court ordered just so she can rub it in his face that she is buying new cars and shacking up with her twenty-years-older boyfriend who is now their "daddy". He is constantly stressed out because she threatens to raise his child support if he doesn't sign away his rights to them, or just calls to threaten this or that CONSTANTLY. At least your husband has his kids with him and doesn't have to go through all of that.
As for dealing with the kids, I think the drinking should stop. I know it helps you cope but there has to be other ways of dealing with this. Saying that you wish your husband didn't have kids from a previous marriage is wrong and (remember you asked for advice) you knew he had kids when you married him. I don't know what the predicament was at the time you two were wed but you signed up for this, honey. So now it is something that you do have to accept. Unfortunately, the kids are too old now for you to play disciplinarian with them. They know who mom and dad are and they are probably difficult and rude and ungrateful and all of the above but they are scarred from the divorce of their parents and to them you are an intrusion in their lives. Plus, now they also have to compete with a new baby which makes things even harder on them. Your best bet is going to be trying to be friendly with them. Try to get out and do things together. Get to know them better. It will probably be hard at first because they might not want to have anything to do with you, but keep trying. Leave the "parenting" to your husband (because it is wrong of him to expect you to discipline them - just ask Dr. Phil.) See if they will let you help them with their homework, plan a special family night with movies and pizza and junk food and really get on their level. Trust me, they can feel your animosity toward them just like you can see their animosity toward you. You're really going to have to make them feel like they are a part of your family and not just a burden because until they really feel comfortable in your home they're going to act up. Plus, not to worry you, but the teenage years are there and that's going to make them even more difficult to deal with. You'll have to rope 'em in now. LOL
Just don't give up. Everything happens for a reason, right? I believe this is a test of your patience and will-power and definitely a proving ground for you, if to no one else, then to yourself. And remember, you've always got this board you are more than willing to post on to vent your frustrations. There is also a step-parenting board, I believe, that could have some good advice for you as well. Good luck.
Tarra
what a tough spot Elizabeth! Im sorry I have no advise for you. I would say maybe that having a couple shots in the day cant be good for you....are you breastfeeding your 5 month old? Maybe can you get to counseling to help deal with some of your feelings? It could help you, and maybe have your step kids go as well (in a separate session) to help them work through any issues they have.
My parents split when I was 9, and I HATED my moms boyfriend (now my step father) he tried to buy me off - food, movies, fun events for me and my friends ect. it was great at first, but old really fast. then he moved in LOL... a whole other story.
I hope you stick around, theres lots of great ladies here that can hopefully help you more than I have!
Hi Elizabeth and welcome to the board.
Hi Elizabeth and welcome to the board.
I think that all of the previous posts have given some great advice. Now here's my 2 cents:
First of all you have to stop drinking during the day. Having a drink after dinner or when the kids are in bed is one thing, but during the day you need to have all of your senses in order to care for your baby. There are other outlets that can help you "deal" that do not include alcohol.
Second, your step-kids sound like they have been thru a lot. But, that is no excuse for them to be rude to you or to act ungrateful and demanding. However kids are a product of their environment and if your DH's ex acts that way, then that is all they know. As hard as it may be, you have to keep trying to reach out to those kids and with real feelings, not some act. Once they realize they can trust you maybe they will come around.
I also think it's a great idea to have your DH sit down with them and explain that you and your son are his family too and that they need to respect you and he also needs to set ground rules. Planning a family night together with pizza and a movie was a great idea that someone mentioned. Most of all, these kids need love and direction, and it doesnt sound like their mom is a great resource for that, so you and your DH will have to take the reins and make it happen.
Finally you have to try to get over the jealousy you feel towards his kids -- they didn't ask to be born or to have their parents divorce and dad remarry. As awful as they may be acting, they are innocent in those terms.
I really hope you dont take any of this in the wrong way and that you visit this board often. We will be here to help you as much as possible!!
((Hugs)) and good luck!!!
I am sorry that you are going through this and I wish I had some words of wisdom for you.
I'm sorry, but this post really upset me. Compassion and empathy are not your strong forte, are they?
First of all, I feel sorry for the OP, but it is not the kids' fault that their parents got divorced, nor is it their choice that their dad remarried. And adults are the more mature individuals. Therefore, it would seem it should be up to them to be the bigger person and go out of their way to make their relationships with the kids (ANY kids) work. These children are living with their dad and stepmom, not by their choice, and their mother has abandoned them. I feel soooo sorry for them. Their stepmother hates them and is drinking to boot. How bad can their little lives get? They deserve compassion and empathy and understanding. . . But military or boarding school? OK, I admit I am shocked by very little, but your post shocked me. Have you ever heard the phrase "Walk a mile in someone else's shoes?" How can you be so judgemental and hard? It is not all about us in life. The OP knew when she married her DH that she was taking on these kids as part of her family.
As for Elizabeth's post, I would strongly recommend family therapy, a good long talk with your husband, and Alcoholics Anonymous. . . Good luck to you!
It is unfortunate that you are so upset with my suggestions I gave to the poster. Would you rather that I had said that it is her own doing, and that she shouldn't complain, because she chose to marry a man that has children from a previous relationship? At least I gave her some options to look into. The only other advise she got was to go to AA. I agree that it is not the childrens fault, that is true. Also, I am not judgemental in anyway. You don't know anything about me, other than what I wrote in my introduction post. Look who is being judgmental now.
thanks for being understanding to me. You're right it's my husband's problem and not mine, but I have to live with them. You are the first person to see that this is my house and I shouldn't have to put up with it.
Elizabeth
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