Need help! At my wits end!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2003
Need help! At my wits end!
7
Mon, 06-28-2004 - 10:59am
I don't know where to begin. Within the last week or so, it has been aweful at my house. I have an almost 3 year old boy and an almost 5 year old girl. My DD got done with preschool, had Bible school and we're about into the 3rd week of not having something to do everyday. Well, there is plenty to be done at the house, just not anything like school everyday. Anyway, our day is fairly routine. They watch cartoons a bit in the morning, then send DH off to work, eat breakfast...Then I start trying to get some stuff around the house done. That is when the trouble starts. I politely and calmly ask my DD to make her bed...I'm not that particular, just pull up the covers. Well that ends up taking about 4 times of asking before it's done, with a trip to time out inbetween. Then I ask my 2 year old DS to pull up his covers and he does it! He also puts his toys away when I ask. My 4, almost 5 year old DD pouts and throws a fit when I try and get her to do ANYTHING. It gets so bad that I end up yelling, I mean, like losing it, sending her to her room because I need a break from her, and our whole day seems ruined. She whines and wants me to help her pick up the stuff that SHE has put all over her floor. Where am I to find the time to take care of the rest of the house. I have been crying off and on for a few days now out of frustration. I've talked to different people about it for advise and all I hear is that it isn't going to get any better. Well it HAS to. I don't know how much more I can take of this sweet little 4 year olds mouth. She is disrespectful and rude to me and I just don't know how to deal with it anymore. Is it because she doesn't have school right now? I just don't get it. She wants to do everything herself...butter her toast, pour milk, set the table for dinner, etc, etc. But she refused to do what I ask her to do. My house is not emaculate in any way, but I try to keep stuff picked up. At least so I can walk in her room without stepping on toys or tripping. I know I'm rambling now... Thanks for listening. Any ideas in dealing this would be appreciated. I take time to do stuff with the kids all day off and on, but my daughter acts like she doesn't give her enough attention.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2003
Mon, 06-28-2004 - 1:07pm

Try rewarding her when she does do something you ask her to do.

   

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2004
Mon, 06-28-2004 - 1:29pm

Hi, have a few suggestions for you. First I wanted to say It sounds like dd is bored, as you

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2000
Mon, 06-28-2004 - 4:46pm
Well, every kid is so different (as you clearly know). What works for me and DS (newly turned 6) may not work for you guys at all. But here's how we approach things....

I don't mind occasionally picking up a few toys just to get DS started. Certainly not every time, but more than occasionally. But then I explain to him that since I am helping him pick up his toys, I expect him to assist with emptying the dishwasher and folding the laundry later in the day. Kids that age LOVE doing things like lining up all of the forks in the utensil drawer, so he doesn't mind at all. In fact, since he still typically likes a good bit of my attention, he just is happy being with me and is glad to put away the laundry or change over the hand towels. He's pretty competent at dusting with the swiffer duster too.

As far as ongoing family harmony, I like the cooperative style of the "I help you/you help me" approach. We are a family, and that is what families do. We help each other to get everything done to make the house pleasant and liveable.

As for ongoing toy clean-up, DS has always known that any toy that wasn't picked up by bedtime would get locked away in a timeout until he earned it back. But to be honest, DS has yet to ever lose a toy into timeout, so I am not sure what he'd have to do to earn a toy back. Probably, he'd have to have one good day of everything 100% picked up by bedtime and all other chores done as requested in order to earn one toy back. I would also probably give the child a set period of time to earn back a toy. If a toy is still in its locked timeout box in 30 days, it goes away permanently.

We make special exceptions for large ongoing lego structures and such being left out longer. But I REALLY REALLY can relate to the chaotic feeling you get when it looks like there isn't even a clean path through the house. And I can't stand it either.

As for toys, DS gets a set allowance each week which is not tied to chores. With the exception of holiday and birthday gifts, if DS wants a toy, he must spend his own $ on it. He saves up for a very long time to get enough cash for a big toy. And I think that part of the reason he never loses toys into timeout is that he feels that he saved hard for them and doesn't want all of that saving to have been for nothing.

You could certainly apply the same timeout situation to blankets and sheets on beds that go unmade within a set interval of time. In the summer, when covers aren't really essential, it would be perfectly valid, in my opinion, to set a household rule that beds get made by 9 a.m. with only one reminder. At 8:50, you could set a timer and announce that there's only 10 minutes left to make beds or the kids will lose their covers for the night. Then give the covers back in the morning and tell DD that she can make her bed or continue to go without. Of course, some kids would be thrilled to do away with covers forever if it meant that they didn't have to make their beds ever again. So it may not work unless you know that your DD really prefers sleeping with covers. Or the rule could include the pillow too if you know she really likes it.....

I have heard that the setting of timers works well for many kids. Tell her once, that she has 20 minutes to get her room cleaned up (or else you will pick up the toys and she won't be seeing them for a while). Then set a kitchen timer for 20 minutes and put it down next to her. The hardest part is to follow through and confiscate all of the remaining toys on the floor when the timer goes off and deal with the giant hissy fit that will surely follow. But it's probably no worse than what you are already dealing with now.

I'm so sorry your summer is off to a rough start. I agree with the other posters that having a daily independent art project time or computer game time might help you to have an uninterrupted interval to yourself each day. Best wishes - Suzanne

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2004
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 1:01am
I have the same problem with my 6yo and the 2yo isn't far behind. 2 things that have seen results are stopping her when she whines "I said you need to...this isn't a choice. Do it now please." Another thing that works sometimes is "You can help make dinner when you have picked up your toys." She gets what she wants and still has to do what I told her. As for crying off and on for a few days, I think I'm an expert on that. It's so frustrating. Many (((((hugs))))) to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 9:58am
are you living wiht my kids???????lol..i have two that do that..but.... may i make one suggestion..... i notice when my kids watch cartoons in the morning, we have a reaaaaaly bad day....... i dont know why...but my 8yo is VERY crabby on days that i let them watch kid tv in the morning,and we dont watch violent cartoons, unless you consider rugrats violent....lol.anyway..... we start out day by making our beds first...... our toys are picked up before bed time.... so we wake up in the morning to a nice picked up house...our mornings go like this. they wake up.....they do get a few minutes of play time (only because it takes mommy a few minutes to get her butt up..lol).but no tv, then we make beds, pick up, practice piano, eat breakfast.. we are participating in our libraries summer story time, today we go to a state park for a morning hike with a guide. it is a bit of incentive to get our work done early, when the programs are this early. but try the no tv thing.... see if it helps....... but what ever you do, be consistant.that is the key..... you can try 100000 different methods, but if you dont stick with them for a long period, not one will work.good luck.......
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2004
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 10:54am
(((((Hugs)))))

I can't give you any advice, but I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. I am with you all of the way. I have a DD (5) and a DS (almost 4) and your situation sounds EXACTLY like mine all the way down to our DDs whining. I could have signed your post..LOL. I have been reading all of the responding posts and will continue to read them so that maybe some of the advice that you are getting will help me also.

Best of Luck!

Beth - SAHM to Lauren (11-3-98) and Noah (8-29-00)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2004
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 11:47am
I have 4 children and I love them dearly but I had to manage my home strategically and since my first 3 were stair steppers... an assembly line!

*Take advantage of the night...do things when they are asleep so you can concentrate on them more when they are awake.

*Use a planner and map out the following day (guidelines)

*Get up before they do so you can focus: pray, stretch, meditate, read, have a cup of green tea or coffee and reflect

*Cook dinner for the next day so all you have to do is heat it up

*Make trade-offs with other parents. Keep their kids for a day or a few hours so that they can get some things done and have them return the favor.

*Put the kids to work! Let them do small things like dust and their fold clothes. Join in.

*Plan some games and activities that you can do with the kids were YOU won't be worn out:

1. Treasure Hunt-Hide things in the house the night before. When you see the kids getting restless and bored, tell them it's time to play treasure hunt. Dress up in costumes and have THEM do all the leg work looking for stuff, you just sit here. Sure you will look crazy in pirate garb, but you will be resting! Just don't forget were you hid everything!

2. Get wet. Pull up a chair and get THEM wet, they will do all the running around while you rest...your arm may get a little numb but it is worth it. Play with water guns.

3. Let them build a tent in the house. If you have to get in it, you are still resting. It will take up a lot of space and you might not be able to get back and forth but it beats stepping on toys.

4. I work from home so we used to play "office" and guess what, I actually worked and put them to work! They thought it was a game.

5. They want school? Give 'em what they want. Set up a room like a school. Give them school work. Nothing hard, some print-outs, just to keep them busy. If you are the Principal you can creatively get a little work done.

Work smarter, not harder. Try to preserve your tears, screaming, and yelling... that energy is gonna be needed else were. Your daughter will clean up her toys if she knows that it will allow her to do the things that she loves like set the table. She needs boundaries and consequences.

I have a 6 year old that I spoiled because she was my last. She just finished kindergarten, wants me to be here playmate, gets bored, does not want to clean up her toys and does not respond well to time out. This stuff works on her!

-Kids are like scissors, bleach, and fire they can truly bless and improve your life if you handle them properly. If you don't it can cause a lot of damage.

It doesn't get harder as they get older, the priorities just change and you have to shift your focus. I cried when my last child went off to kindergarten, then danced when I found out they go for a full day! What could be harder than changing a million dirty diapers, washing 20 loads a day, and being a member or the human milk machine society? Nothing!

I hope I made you laugh a little bit. It's gonna be ok from one mom to another!