need major help w/6 yr old fast!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
need major help w/6 yr old fast!!!
18
Sun, 01-25-2004 - 9:47pm
I have a daughter who is 6 yrs old who i swear thinks she's 16! She does not obey me, nothing makes her happy, she aggrevates me on purpose, she talks back to me like she doesn't understand who's boss!!!!! She yells at me, complains all the time, and whines all day! If I ask her to do something she stands there and just looks at me until i have to yell at her to do it, then she says "your always mad at me" or "your always yelling at me". I have tried spanking her, taking the tv away, not letting her play w/friends, no toys. even to the extent of keeping her in her room all day long w/the exception of getting up for water and meals! Nothing works!!! she is such a problem child! I gave her a bath right now and told her when she gets out that she needs to clean up all the bath toys, when she got out she persisted on standing there until i had to of course yell at her...as she's picking up her toys i hear her mumble "i wish i had a different mom"!!!!! what am i doing that is so terribly wrong? I used to say the same thing when i was younger about my mom but i had a mom who beat the crap out of me just cuz i didn't do her laundry right when i was 9 yrs old along with many other things. My mom has even seen the way my daughter acts and cannot believe it! I have asked my mom if i was like that when i was little and she said "never". that i was very good. I really don't know what to do, i am resorting to counciling...anyone have any advise for me??? much appreciated!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2003
Mon, 01-26-2004 - 12:05am
Oh boy, my DD just turned 7, so I completely know what you mean!! We are still working on the talking back, but she is getting better. She thinks EVERYTHING needs HER explination when I didn't ask for one!! UGH!! She acts EXACTLY like a mini-teenager!! I know this sounds horribly old fashioned, but what I do with my children (the back talking trickles down the line where even my 2 yr old seems to do it now!), is I tell them the ONLY acceptable answer to what I tell them, is "yes mam". If I tell them to do something, they are only allowed to say yes mam, and they are SUPPOSE to just do it. I told them by saying yes mam, they acknowledge what I said, and agree to do it (or not do it if I tell them not to). Of course, if one of them starts to back talk, I tell them "what are you SUPPOSE to say?" and they give me the response that I want. My DD does the whole "yes mam, BUT..." So I tell her there are NO butts with "yes mam!" LOL There are times where she INSISTS on telling "her side" of the story (like when I tell her to stop yelling at her brother, she's got to explain WHY she's yelling at him). To this, I tell her "yes I understand that you are telling me why, but I didn't ask a question, and to not answer questions that I didn't ask". It sounds harsh. The last thing I ever want to do, is to not listen to my children. Being a middle child in a family of nine children, I always felt like I wasn't heard, and I don't want my kids to feel that way, but there is a line to that! In return, if I don't understand what is going on, I ask her to explain things before I start spouting off demands/orders. I don't do it all the time, and I am often telling DD that I indeed SAW what happened, so she does not need to explain, and she is only allow explinations when I ask for them. It is getting better. She does refrain from mouthing off more now. I just REALLY want to nip this in the bud before she thinks it's okay behavior to desplay to grandparents/teachers.

Angie

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Mon, 01-26-2004 - 4:35pm
6 year olds can be difficult. The best approch when nothing is working is to stop focusing on the negative. Ignore the bad behavior and focus only on the positive. This is EXTREMLY difficult but works really well. You can make a star chart and come up with different things she has to do to earn stars. Even if it is simple things like listening the first time. When you get 6 stars then you get to pick something out of the bucket (all a dollar items), when you get 10 stars it is a date night, you and me..ice cream. 15 stars go to a movie, etc etc. Then only see the good. If she doesn't listen just move on and igore the bad behavior but when she does something positive hip horray and praise and then give her a star. At first your going to have to find things to praise her about but then she will start seeking that praise more and it will be easier. So you start out by saying she gets stars just for listening the first time. Well she isn't going to listen the first time, she is going to test you. So you just ignore her and go do it yourself or wait till later and ask her again. When she finaly does it praise her and get really excited as if she just took her first steps but do not give her a star. Tell her I am really proud that you finally did what you were asked that makes me so happy, hopefully next time you can do it the first time I asked so I can give you a star etc. Most of the time when children start acting out really bad it is because they want attention and they don't care if it is positive or negative. So if you ignore the negative and focus on the positive you soon will get a lot more positive. Warning I will say again this is not easy to do, we are all really good at seeing negative and positive is harder to see. You ahve to look for things like, wow, I like how well you ate all your vegitables at dinner even if they love vegitables, find things to praise about. Good luck.

Laura from Utah and mom to:

Deven 11

Amber 10

Bryen 9

Jered 8

Mikel 6

Ceaira 4

Taryn 2

Taylynne 1.5

Zane 0.5

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Mon, 01-26-2004 - 6:35pm
Thanks Laura, you have given me really good advise! I know it's all about attention but it's just so hard to give it to her when i am so mad at her for acting this way! She has a younger brother that has just been diagnosed w/diabetes so he's been getting a lot of the attention right now! WOW, I happend to notice that you have 9 kids!!!!!! eeek...HOW DO YOU DO IT?????? i also happend to notice that they are all a yr to 2 yrs apart...how do you stay sain??? Once again thanks for your help!

Kristin from California and mom to:

Alyssa Noel 6

Jason Ryan 21 months

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2004
Mon, 01-26-2004 - 7:36pm
My 5 year old told me not even 2 hours that she wants a new family!!Id walk thru hell for that kid and shes mad because I told her to pick her jacket and shoes off the floor,I just deal with it.I just wanted you to know your not alone.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Mon, 01-26-2004 - 9:34pm
It's nice to know I am not the only one going through this! It has just gotten to the point where i just can't take it anymore, she is literaly whining, crying and complaining all day long! Everyday when she gets out of the shower she stands there and screams and cries that she's cold! so i tell her hurry and dry off and get dressed ( i am still in the shower at this point cuz i take one w/her and my ds) she still stands there crying and screaming obnoxiously, i have to tell her at least 10 times!!! by the time i get out she is still not dressed...then she has a fit because she doesn't like the shirt i picked out, then she complains that her shoes are sticking in and out so the whole morning is nothing but whining and crying and having stomping fits!!!! then she tells me why are you always mad at me or your always yelling at me...does she not get a clue???? I have told her that i am always mad cuz the way she acts but it does not change anything she still does the same things everyday!!! uugggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I just don't know what to do anymore?????????
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Tue, 01-27-2004 - 10:33am
Kristin,

Nobody said I am Sain! *smile* Well with that going on in the house and the stress of dealing with your son it does sound like you have your hands full. Do the chart with your son too, you don't have to wait for them to be acting out before taking action. Something else we do in our house to help give that one on one time is to date our children once a month. One month it is my turn the next my husbands and we take the children out on individual dates. It is wonderful to get them alone and hear what they have to say. Most are 12-18 months except for Mikel and Ceaira who are a whoping almost 3 years (34 months) apart. They keep us jumping that is for sure. *smile* Good luck and keep us posted if things are working. Like I said it will not be easy I know what you mean about just being fed up and ready to ring their little necks sometimes but we both know that all that gets us is more frustrated with the kid and ourselves because we know we didn't handle things right. O yea to answer How do I do it? Well schedule, we have a schedule, staying organized is very important. And never stopping doing laundry *L*

Laura from Utah and mom to:

Deven 11

Amber 10

Bryen 9

Jered 8

Mikel 6

Ceaira 4

Taryn 2

Taylynne 1.5

Zane 0.5

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2004
Tue, 01-27-2004 - 2:57pm
Laura,I really admire that you handle 9 kids so well,I only have two and there are days with the youngest onethat I feel close to a breakdownshe gets soooo much attention and love that I dont understand why she acts so horrible.Is it a phase?She says she wants new parents!!She cries at everything or anything that dont go her way.How do you handle it?Im serious,there are alot of stay at home moms out there that have more trouble out of kids this age than babies!I just want to ad that I love my girls but I love my mind to and Im losing it!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Tue, 01-27-2004 - 4:58pm


Yes, 6 year olds can be very trying! A friend once gave me some very wise advice ... "It is their job to push you and it is your job to draw the line" If they weren't pushing, they wouldn't be doing their job - right?? I tell myself this all of the time.

I had a day today where I was close to screaming ... all were misbehaving - 5 year old was backtalking, fighting with his brothers and sister, 4 year old was having a temper tantrum and the 2 year old was into everyone's stuff. I reprimanded, I did timeouts, I took away toys ... nothing worked. I finally took a book from the bookshelf ... announced I was going to the bathroom to read until they learned to behave. I shut the door and you should have heard the feet racing up the stairs and crying through the door apologizing. They were angels (at least for an hour but by then I had cooled off and was ready for the next battle).

Just remember, losing your temper usually makes it worse. They seem to thrive on it. Hang in there ...

mom2four

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Tue, 01-27-2004 - 6:01pm
Yes 5,6 year olds seem like they can be worse on days. I think a lot of it stems from they are getting old enough to express themselve but are still little and don't grasp the concepts to many things and it can cause frustration in them and thus in us. My 6 year old just spent a day with grandma and she siad when she brought him home, the only time he stopped talking was when he was eating. *L* Sometimes too much attention is bad too. We know you love your girls and it is perfectly normal to feel like ripping your hair out sometimes. You say she gets so much attention and love, what do you mean by that. What type of things is she acting horrible about, why is she saying she wants new parents. Finding the root of the problem can be difficult but can help greatly.

Laura from Utah and mom to:

Deven 11

Amber 10

Bryen 9

Jered 8

Mikel 6

Ceaira 4

Taryn 2

Taylynne 1.5

Zane 0.5

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2004
Tue, 01-27-2004 - 11:16pm
Laura,Im just back to answer a couple of your questions,truth is Destiny is spoiled and its my fault,I have an older childand when she was born theysaid no more for me,so 9 years later I found out I was having a babyit was a gift straight from God.I know all moms feel this way,but maybe I felt it a little stronger this time.From day one she cried,for the 1st 6 months of her life she cried,then it got better,preschool was great for us and now its kindergarten,SHE CRIES.We had to change teachers in the middle of the year,go see a counsler and anything else,Im sure we did that to.She told her counsler she cried all the time for 2 reasons the 1st was her daddy has a sick heartand 2nd she thinks mom&dad will give her, her way.She wants new parents because we were ask to try to set more boundries,so now she picks up her on messit makes her so mad,she says Im mean,I dont spank,maybe a short timeout or whatever.I cant go back and undo all the extra attention I gave her as a toddler,I feel blessed to have both of my girls,I guess I dont know what the true'root of the problem is'

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