Need parenting advice...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2003
Need parenting advice...
3
Thu, 11-11-2004 - 3:33pm
I’m at my wit’s end and I need some help. I’m married and have 4 children ages 7 ½, 6 ½, almost 4 & 14 months. My kids are not AWFUL, but they (we) really need some help. I guess I’ll just make my list and hope someone can offer some advice.

My 7 year old son has a smart-mouth and says things that I would have NEVER gotten away with as a child. And he is constantly picking on his younger sisters. He yells at and hits them. He yells at his little sister (almost 4) when she says something like “Two plus four equals eleventeen!”. I can’t seem to get it through his head that she is in preschool and does not know these things yet. He also gets in trouble at school for not listening and disrupting others. Not all the time, but enough for me to be concerned. And we are constantly having to tell him to stop yelling. Not mean yelling, but he is always talking loud and yelling at something. He thinks it’s funny. All of this make is seem as if he is a terrible little boy, but he’s not. He is a big time Momma’s Boy, he is sensitive, girl crazy, loves to draw, plays tackle football, won’t cry when he’s hurt, or at least not until his face is hidden in Mom’s shoulder. He does good in school – grades wise, not behavior wise.

My 6 year old daughter doesn’t have quite as many problem issues, but we really need to work on her not wanting to help pick up around the house and her stomping away when something happens she doesn’t like or she has to do something she doesn’t like. She is an excellent student, the top in her class. She is the best behaved in her class, in fact, the teacher said she is the only child this year to get all 4’s for behavior and 11 out of 12 fours for schoolwork. But when it comes to homework, she’d much rather play than do it. Same with the 7 year old.

I see signs of my son becoming negative pessemistic person – JUST LIKE HIS DAD. And I can’t figure out how to stop that, because he’s around him all the time and I’ve tried to change DH, but it’s not possible - that's just how he is.

Right now our discipline method is grounding and it doesn’t work very well. They have no really special toys that they would care if they were taken away to speak of. I yell a lot and wish I didn’t. I always say I’m going to work on it, but then one of them pushes my buttons just right and I can’t keep it in. They get spankings every now and then, but not too often.

I’m not quite sure what I’m asking, I just am really stressed out and need some advice and/or suggestions. I would love advice/suggestions on not only discipline and how to handle the above things. But if any of you have schedules or advice on how you organize your time and your family, that would be of great help. With 4 small kids, I am ALWAYS picking up around the house, ALWAYS doing laundry, ALWAYS wishing I could be more organized like other moms with lots of kids are.

Please someone, help me!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2004
Thu, 11-11-2004 - 3:55pm
I have 3 children and seem to have the same problems you have. My daughter makinsey is 9 tomarrow. She does very well in school and is very sweet. But she spaces out all the time. It takes 3 hours every night to sit with her and do homework b/c she ends up staring at the wall. I ask her to do simple easy chores like emoty dish rack, gather dishes, clean her room, put her laundry away and sometimes feed the puppy. It takes her forever to do these things b/c she ends up doing other things. She is horrible at cleaning her room and I end up crying b/c I yell too much about all this. Its bath time by the time she's done doing a few things. She doesnt have those chores everyday, just once in a while. I take away sleepovers, cds, tv time and I refuse to do her hair in the am b4 school, all when she is bad. Anything she enjoys to do I take away as her punishment. But she doesnt learn from it. My 4yr old son Justin is a lot like your son. And its nearly impossible to get him to listen. I stand my ground but feel like I do everyday! I also clean all day everyday, laundry everyday and try so hard to be organized. I just wonder if this is just the way it is and sooner or later I will chill out or they will catch on. I have been a stay at home mom almost a year and swear never thought this could be this hard. I feel like no one appreciates me and often I am mad. Another thing too, it seems only my belongings get broken around here. My 3 kids are very close to me and chose me over everyone. I often explain to them how bad it hurts that they cant listen. I tell them that their behavior wont help them when they get older, depending on the situation I explain what would happen if they were adults. But its as if over nite all that flies out their little heads. My baby will be 1 on saturday and he already smiles when I say no and keeps on doing it. Sometimes I just want to run away lol. (as if) I dont have any advice but sometimes its nice to know youre not alone on this crazy ride. I know I felt better reading yours. Eileen
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Thu, 11-11-2004 - 9:30pm
i don't have kids yet but i started reading parenting books & found a lot of these things discussed.

can you involved DH's in managing the children every day more?

it sounds like they need careful involvement.

(i wouldn't necessarily fret over chores- but more over the child having a positive attitude. i didn't do chores when i was growing up- but i was v. well-behaved. my mom just didn't ask me to do them- & she didn't sweat them. we had a messy house sometimes but there was not tension over 'the small stuff'.)

(also, be sure to not expect more domestic chores from a girl- that's not good for the girl's self-image).

maybe the boys both being described as kind of 'momma's boys' has something to do w/ it-- do you let them be loud or too out of line sometimes w/o consistently establishing the tone for the family?

i don't know how to do that b/c i have no kids yet (you probably haven't even read this far b/c of that!)

maybe get them to parks for exercise more. after-school activities.?

worked for me!

 Katrina
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2004
Thu, 11-11-2004 - 10:10pm

I LOVE Dr. Phil and beleive he can truly help families...here is what he says about disipline. I would reccomend picking up Family First in stores. Sorry to sound like a commercial but I really beleive what he has to say can help. I hope some of this can help.


Common Discipline Mistakes

Dr. Phil explains some of the most common discipline mistakes parents make and how to avoid them.

Losing Your Temper
When you habitually yell at your children, they can end up yelling back at you. Children are actually more responsive to calm requests and commands.

Disagreeing on Rules
Never disagree on discipline in front of your children. Parents must present a united front to their kids when enforcing rules. Otherwise, they will quickly learn how to "divide and conquer."

Treating Children as Small Adults

Although you want your children to know that they are heard, you shouldn't make the mistake of letting them have an equal say in the rules of the household. This is a parent/child relationship, not a democracy. As children get older, parents can explain the reasoning behind their decisions.

Bribery
Bribery is not a healthy or effective form of motivation for children. You want your children to learn right from wrong regardless of whether or not there is a reward for behaving in an appropriate way.

Unhealthy Praise
Be careful of praising your children too much or too little. Appropriate praise can be healthy and build self-esteem, but if overused, it can leave a child feeling inadequate when he/she doesn't receive it. Give affirmation for positive behavior and hopefully, your child will repeat the good behaviors that bring appreciation.

Inconsistent Discipline
It's important that parents are consistent with discipline in order to avoid making their children confused about guidelines and consequences. For example, if action A leads to consequence B, it needs to do so all of the time.

Inappropriate Punishment
The punishment should be a natural and logical consequence of the punishable behavior. If the punishment isn't fair, you can lose the opportunity to "teach" your child through the act of disciplining because your child's focus will be on the unfair punishment.


Age-Appropriate Discipline Techniques

The disciplining techniques parents use should be based on age-appropriate expectations. For example, explaining to a 13-month-old why she is being punished for hitting her sibling isn't going to get you very far if she can't yet understand reasoning. Using guidelines outlined by the American Academy of Family Physicians, Dr. Phil suggests the following discipline techniques and when they are effective to use.


  • Positive Reinforcement
    Focusing on good behavior instead of bad behavior. Parental attention is one of the most powerful forms of positive reinforcement.


  • Redirecting

  • This technique literally involves the simple act of redirecting your child to appropriate behavior.


  • Verbal Instruction/Explanation

  • Going over what you want your child to do and why can help him/her develop good judgment.


  • Time-outs

  • Time-outs involve physically removing your child from a problem situation. Sending your child to a neutral and "boring" area, such as the corner of a room with no toys or television, and ignoring him/her until he/she is calm and quiet. Time-outs should not last longer than five minutes. One minute of time-out per year of life is a good rule of thumb.


  • Establishing Rules

  • Explain your rules and be prepared to repeat them until your child learns to follow them on his/her own.


  • Grounding

  • A technique effective with school-age children and teenagers, it involves restricting your child to a certain place, usually home or his/her room, as punishment. For example, "grounding" your child on a Saturday night as punishment for breaking curfew on Friday night.


  • Withholding Privileges

  • Children should learn that privileges come with responsibility and they need to be earned. In order to be effective, this technique should be used infrequently. A privilege that is valued by the child, such as watching television or playing with friends, should be removed.

    Birth to 18 Months

    Effective:

  • Positive Reinforcement

  • Redirecting

    Ineffective:

  • Verbal Instruction/Explanation

  • Time-outs

  • Establishing Rules

  • Grounding

  • Withholding Privileges

    18 Months to 3 Years

    Effective:

  • Positive Reinforcement

  • Redirecting

  • Verbal Instruction/Explanation

  • Time-outs

    Ineffective:

  • Establishment of Rules

  • Grounding

  • Withholding Privileges

    4 to 12 Years

    Effective:

  • Positive Reinforcement

  • Redirecting

  • Verbal Instruction/Explanation

  • Time-outs

  • Establishment of Rules

  • Grounding

  • Withholding Privileges

    13 to 16 Years

    Effective:

  • Positive Reinforcement

  • Verbal Instruction/Explanation

  • Establishment of Rules

  • Grounding

  • Withholding Privileges

    Ineffective:

  • Redirecting

  • Time-outs

  • Five Steps to Disciplining Your Kids

    Do you need alternatives on how to get through to your children? Are you at the end of your rope? Dr. Phil offers Five Steps on How to Discipline Your Kids—without spanking.

    1. Commit Yourself.

    It's crucial that your child knows that you're going to do what you say you will. If you explain what a punishment will be, and then don't act on it, you will have less credibility the next time. Make a commitment to your child's discipline, and be consistent in your behavior toward them.

    2. Be Realistic in Your Expectations of Your Child.
    Don't ask your child to do anything he/she cannot do. Make sure that what you are asking of your child is a behavior within his or her reach — if it's not, your child will get frustrated and be less likely to listen to you in the future.

    3. Define Your Child's Currency.

    Find out what your child values — it could be a toy, a particular activity, or even a privilege like getting to stay awake to a particular hour. Dr Phil explains: "If you control the currency, you control the behavior that currency depends on." Once you understand what your child values, you can withdraw positive things (taking away the toy) or introduce negative things (making them take a time-out) as a form of discipline.

    4. Give Your Children Predictable Consequences.
    It's important for your child to understand that the same result will come from the same behavior. Make your child feel like he/she has control over their life: If your child behaves in "Way A," they need to be sure that they will always get "Consequence B." If he/she can count on the rules staying the same, they're more likely to abide by them.

    5. Use Child-Level Logic.
    Explain your values in terms your child can understand. Take the time to explain the reasons behind why you are asking he/she to behave in certain ways — if your child understands the kinds of behavior you'd like them to avoid, they're more likely to apply that reasoning to different situations, instead of learning to stop one behavior at a time.









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