neighbor bully
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neighbor bully
| Thu, 11-11-2004 - 4:27pm |
I would really appreciate some advice. I am a stay at home mother of a 17 month old little girl. Since I stay at home, my daughter only gets to play with other children if we go over to my neighbor's house. I love my neighbor. She is very kind and I don't want to lose my friendship with her over what is happening with our children. Her daughter is 2 years old. She is constantly pushing, slapping, kicking and dragging my daughter around. My daughter is so shy and quiet and hasn't begun to stick up for herself yet. She really is a sweet little girl and I really don't think she has it in her to push back. I am so sick of this little monster picking on my daughter. Her mother apologizes and tells her child not to hurt my daughter, but it doesn't seem to work. Last night we were over visiting and it was non stop abuse. I keep telling her that I know it is probably a stage and that my daughter needs to toughen up..but I really don't feel that way. I just don't know how to tell her that her daughter needs to be nice. I want my child to be able to play and for us to be friends, but my heart breaks everytime she gets kicked or pushed down. Does anyone have any suggestions on what to say to my neighbor or if maybe I should just relax. I don't want to shelter her from everything..but I want her to learn to play nice.

I have some thoughts about what the 2 year old is doing to your baby. My son is 26 months old and he has gone through the hitting, kicking, punching stages of younger children. We go to the YMCA where he can play with other kids, and he was always trying to hit other kids, and it was SOO frustrating. I use to do what your friend does, tell the other child sorry and tell my son that its wrong. Actually once he tapped a baby on her stomach, and her mom got SOOOOO freaking mad at me, and took her baby away. That made me feel bad enough, because my son really isn's a bully, he's a sweetheart.
Well, afer a few times, I felt soo badly he was doing this, even though he didn't fully uderstand it was wrong, I learned what to do. When he's playing with younger kids, and he starts to go after one of them, I just follow him around CONSTANTLY and not letting him get away from me. He usually only does this when he's ready for a nap. Since I've been doing this, he has been SOOOO much better,it's amazing, he actually will hug younger kids! I think maybe you should just keep close ties on your baby, not letting her get too close to the 2 year old. And, I would DEFINANTELY talk to the child's mother, she should be doing a lot more. I know it's out of the parents control, but she should keep a closer watch on him. And you should keep in mind, that your baby is going to encounter things like this, and not get too up-tight about it, they're only kids :) Hope this helped!
Katie.
ADK -- you explained yourself so well in your post. I'm sure if you worded some version of what you said here to your friend, she couldn't help but understand ... as long as you make it clear that you like her child and you understand it's age-appropriate behavior. And that you don't judge her.
If it was me, I'd do exactly what Kate recommended -- stay on your daughter like a bad suit and body guard her. And calmly but firmly insist that the other child be gentle. Remind her that hitting HURTS! And that you want to play but there is NO hitting. And if the child doesn't listen, you could remove your daughter to another place and say that XXX cannot play if YYY doesn't play nicely. Then keep her on your lap or something while you chat with your friend. And hopefully your friend will get the hint and follow your lead. That will send the message. It will be a drag at first to follow her so closely when you probably want to have some adult interaction with your friend, but it will be worth it because after a while the child will hopefully learn and you will preserve the friendship without going nuts or having your daughter suffer. If you explain yourself as kindly to your friend as you did in your post ... you should be fine. My 2 cents is ... When other people don't discipline their kids (maybe just be from inexperience) and your child is in physical danger (maybe too a strong word), you have to intervene ... as politely but firmly as you can. I think being proactive is the way to go. That way you don't feel helpless. And you are not telling the other parent what to do with *her* child, you are just protecting yours. And if your friend is cool and you enlist her support, you tackle this as team and hopefully nobody gets bent. If you have along friendship, this kind of stuff will come up again.
And don't forget to tell your daughter to tell the other child not to hit her - firmly but politely (in keeping with her own style, but firmly). Teach her to stand up for her boundaries. That will serve her well for the rest of her life.
Edited 11/11/2004 7:00 pm ET ET by donachiara
Edited 11/11/2004 7:03 pm ET ET by donachiara
Edited 11/11/2004 7:16 pm ET ET by donachiara
Here is my opinion...
A lot of two year olds start to become VERY territorial. They are trying to exert their control...and well two year olds are not allowed to have much control of anything. They are constantly told no, and don't touch. Not that this is wrong of the parent, most of the time it is a good thing. They are also not usually ready for "parallel" play and will usually play happily alone, as they do not yet understand the concept of sharing.
Because the other child is going through this stage,I would advise you not to meet on this child's "turf". A neighborhood park or even your home would probably be better. You do need to be on the same page with the other mom though. When these incidents happen both you, and the other mom need to completely ignore the other child and pay total attention to the "victim". I would not acknowledge the other child at all! Say things like "poor ______, it makes us so sad when someone hits us". This will also teach the other child empathy while showing her bad behavior does not get you attention.
You also want to prompt your daughter what
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It might be a phase for this 2 year old, but your dd is only being taught to do the same to someone else.
I think she should stay away till this child learns to be nice or gets over her phase.
JMHO.........
i have another response...I think the worst thing you can do is to not let your child play with the 2 year old. You have to teach your child that it's wrong, and it's not by being over-protective. My son is around kids older all the time that wrestle, be rough, etc...and I just teach him there's a time and place for that! just my opinion!
Katie.