New here - need MIL advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
New here - need MIL advice
7
Wed, 07-14-2004 - 9:06pm
Hi -

I'm new to this board. I am a new mom, my baby is 3 1/2 months old and I have decided to stay at home with her for at least the first year (hopefully much, much longer). While I am anxious about leaving my career behind for awhile, I feel that it is too important to be home.

My problem is with my mother in law. We are so different. I don't like the way she speak to my step-son, she is sarcastic and has said many things that have hurt my feelings. Basically, I don't like her very much at all. The problem is that we live in the same town and she would like to spend lots of time with her newest grandchild. She has acquired a car seat, and seemingly expects to take our daughter places. Since I'm breastfeeding, I know this won't be an issue for at least the next 8 months . . . or more. She has also indicated that she wants to watch our child. What do I do? I don't want her to spend time with my daughter without me present. I do beleive in honoring my husband, and she does see my daughter at least twice a month (when we get together) and I do beleive that it is NOT right for me to not try - but I just don't want to let her have my child when I feel like she hasn't respected me.

Any thoughts would be appreciated.

Sincerely,

Sariasar

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2004
Wed, 07-14-2004 - 9:59pm
your feelings are totally valid. good for you for making the right decision to stay home. just remember that YOU are the mother. and whatever you decide is the right thing to do with your baby. if you feel uncomfortable leaving your baby with anyone, even family, do not do it. go with your gut! good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
Thu, 07-15-2004 - 8:09am
I absolutely agree with the other posting. You are the mother and your maternal instincts are kicking in. You are protecting your baby. Do not leave your baby with anyone, if you are having doubts. Stay true to yourself and don't let anyone talk you into anything when it comes to your children. Hang in there!

-Elyssa

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 07-15-2004 - 8:48am
Hi, I have never left my daughter with anyone(I know Im bad). My daughter is a year old now. When people asked to keep her I just always came up with an excuse. After a while they will get the drift and quit asking. It is just too scary out there to trust ANYone with your child these days. I would definately talk to my husband about it also. He needs to know how you feel.

~Mollie

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Thu, 07-15-2004 - 10:53am
I have to ask--what has your husband had to say about his mother's attitude? It sounds to me like you need to have an upfront conversation with hubby about how you feel (after all, it's his mom...) If he expects you to cooperate with having family time with his mother, then he needs to participate in smoothing the water, so to speak, and help her to understand that you aren't comfortable enough with the relationship you have with her to send your new baby off with her alone. It also sounds like if you were to say anything, however tactfully put, it may well not go very nicely. You are NOT obligated to let ANYONE take your child ANYWHERE if you aren't comfortable about it. It's up to you to ultimately decide what is best for your baby, not what is best for your MIL, or even for yourself really. With you breastfeeding, her taking the baby won't be an issue for as long a while as you would like (I breast fed for well over a year with all mine...), but eventually she'll be on your doorstep with car seat in hand if you don't head this off at the pass. Better a delicate conversation with her son than an ugly confrontation with you on the front porch... It may ruffle her feathers, in fact she may get down right mad, but you ARE NOT responsible for her behavior, only your own. If after you've honestly tried to work on the relationship/attitude problems she won't behave in a manner that you feel would be a benefit to your new child, then the burden of not getting to visit alone with her grandchild is on her shoulders, not yours. But...if you just stick your head in the sand, and don't make the effort to improve the situation to a point that both she and your baby can have a positive experience with each other, then you're not really being fair... I'm not saying you have to get to a point that you two are best buddies--but if she makes an honest effort to correct her bad attitude, you should give her credit for it--a lot of children never get the chance to know their grandparents, so if she's taking steps to be a better influence in your baby's life, then cutting her out at that point would be sort of mean... Talk to your husband. If you two offer some bounderies for her behavior in exchange for seeing her grandchild regularly, she should be willing to swallow her pride to the reasonable extent necessary to act more kindly towards EVERYONE in your family. If she's not, then the relationship must not be that important to her (at least not important enough to behave appropriately). Just my two cents worth--hope it helps.

Angela

mommy to Wil, Wes & Wade

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Thu, 07-15-2004 - 1:04pm
Angela -

Thank you for your thoughtful response.

I have talked to my DH about his mother. He does agree that his mother has said some things she shouldn't. He also understands that I don't feel comfortable with his mother taking our baby. On the other hand, he beleives (and I think he is right) that it would do no good talking to his mother about this issue. She'll get hurt and offended and there will be a lot of awkwardness. I've tried in the past to "clear the air" and it hasn't done any good. She once told me that she was old, and that she wasn't going to change. She also said that it was likely that she was going to say things again that would hurt my feelings - but that she didn't mean it.

She's not an evil person, but she does say things that bother me. I realize that she's not trying to be hurtful, but what she does is hurtful. My stepson is 13, every time she sees him she says "I haven't seen you in so long." This makes him feel guilty and bad - or she nags him over little things that don't matter. Since it's my stepson, and she's known him longer than I have, I don't say anything. Once, when we were having a discussion and I offerred my opinion, she turned to me and said "I wasn't talking to you." to which I replied "Well, then I guess I'll just sit here and keep my mouth shut." When she realized that she should not have said that, she said to me "Well, your husband, my son, doesn't want you to be upset - do you? (referring to my husband)." It was very manipulative. She did apologize later. But, as you can see from these examples, each time we are together I am just waiting for her to say something. I am trying to have an attitude of "water off a ducks back", and I think I could do it except for the fact that we have a baby that she wants to take!

I beleive in honoring my husband and will not refuse to attend family events. And my husband realizes that I may never be able to let his mother take our child. I guess there is nothing I can do about this, except keep trying. I do agree with you, someday I am going to have to tell her that she's not taking our baby - but I've got some time. Ugh! My husband is perfect in every way, the only thing that is not is some of the people that come with him!

Any further thoughts you have are very welcomed!

Sariasar

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-2003
Thu, 07-15-2004 - 9:06pm
I do have some advice..though some ya may not want to hear..... But I am not trying to make ya mad. First of all I do think that she should respect you. But to get the respect ya should sit down with her and explain to her what she does that you don't like. Maybe she doesn't realize that she is hurting your feelings. Some older people including my 51 yr old MIL....just have their ways...and don't realize when they step out of line. Second of all, its not right to keep your daughter away from to punish your MIL. Its not healthy. Okay now Im sounding like Dr. Phil. When ya feel like ya need a break...call your MIL and ask her if she wants to watch your daughter. But before ya start that..I do think that ya'll need to talk. If you don't feel like talking to her..then maybe you could get DH to do it..since it is HIS mother. Or maybe all 3 of you could sit down and talk about it. Explain to her..that you want her and her granddaughter to have a healthy relationship BUT you also want her to respect you.

Christy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 07-17-2004 - 2:36pm

Christy has some great advice. Please don't be mad at me for what I have to say, but I believe there is good in everyone.


We are all very close minded, and often times just see our side, even though of course we try to look at it from the other angle.


If she was so horrible, she would not be soo excited about the baby.


I never got along with my MIL much in the beginning, but have learned to understand her, and forgive and forget. She says and does things I don't like sometimes, but she is

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~ ~ Follow your passion!:&n