New here - need MIL advice
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| Wed, 07-14-2004 - 9:06pm |
I'm new to this board. I am a new mom, my baby is 3 1/2 months old and I have decided to stay at home with her for at least the first year (hopefully much, much longer). While I am anxious about leaving my career behind for awhile, I feel that it is too important to be home.
My problem is with my mother in law. We are so different. I don't like the way she speak to my step-son, she is sarcastic and has said many things that have hurt my feelings. Basically, I don't like her very much at all. The problem is that we live in the same town and she would like to spend lots of time with her newest grandchild. She has acquired a car seat, and seemingly expects to take our daughter places. Since I'm breastfeeding, I know this won't be an issue for at least the next 8 months . . . or more. She has also indicated that she wants to watch our child. What do I do? I don't want her to spend time with my daughter without me present. I do beleive in honoring my husband, and she does see my daughter at least twice a month (when we get together) and I do beleive that it is NOT right for me to not try - but I just don't want to let her have my child when I feel like she hasn't respected me.
Any thoughts would be appreciated.
Sincerely,
Sariasar

-Elyssa
~Mollie
Angela
mommy to Wil, Wes & Wade
Thank you for your thoughtful response.
I have talked to my DH about his mother. He does agree that his mother has said some things she shouldn't. He also understands that I don't feel comfortable with his mother taking our baby. On the other hand, he beleives (and I think he is right) that it would do no good talking to his mother about this issue. She'll get hurt and offended and there will be a lot of awkwardness. I've tried in the past to "clear the air" and it hasn't done any good. She once told me that she was old, and that she wasn't going to change. She also said that it was likely that she was going to say things again that would hurt my feelings - but that she didn't mean it.
She's not an evil person, but she does say things that bother me. I realize that she's not trying to be hurtful, but what she does is hurtful. My stepson is 13, every time she sees him she says "I haven't seen you in so long." This makes him feel guilty and bad - or she nags him over little things that don't matter. Since it's my stepson, and she's known him longer than I have, I don't say anything. Once, when we were having a discussion and I offerred my opinion, she turned to me and said "I wasn't talking to you." to which I replied "Well, then I guess I'll just sit here and keep my mouth shut." When she realized that she should not have said that, she said to me "Well, your husband, my son, doesn't want you to be upset - do you? (referring to my husband)." It was very manipulative. She did apologize later. But, as you can see from these examples, each time we are together I am just waiting for her to say something. I am trying to have an attitude of "water off a ducks back", and I think I could do it except for the fact that we have a baby that she wants to take!
I beleive in honoring my husband and will not refuse to attend family events. And my husband realizes that I may never be able to let his mother take our child. I guess there is nothing I can do about this, except keep trying. I do agree with you, someday I am going to have to tell her that she's not taking our baby - but I've got some time. Ugh! My husband is perfect in every way, the only thing that is not is some of the people that come with him!
Any further thoughts you have are very welcomed!
Sariasar
Christy
Christy has some great advice. Please don't be mad at me for what I have to say, but I believe there is good in everyone.
We are all very close minded, and often times just see our side, even though of course we try to look at it from the other angle.
If she was so horrible, she would not be soo excited about the baby.
I never got along with my MIL much in the beginning, but have learned to understand her, and forgive and forget. She says and does things I don't like sometimes, but she is
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